Perception, reality. same dif.

This girl I know recently sent me some pictures that had ME in them. that’s right, all you need to know is that they had me in them, because that’s all you look for in a picture, right? me. i mean, that’s all i look for in a picture. hmmm, let ME see…where am I in this photo. OH! there I AM!. at this point i decide if i look a. awesome, b. not-so-awesome or c.worthy of never showing this picture to anyone EVER. Then, after I pick a, b or c I gauge how i look in comparison to the OTHER people in the picture. but don’t worry, i only look at those OTHER people long enough to notice if they look better or worse than ME!.

I do this because inside im a 11-year-old girl (although, some would argue, I’m ALSO an 11-year-old girl on the outside) and I constantly feel like I JUST REALIZED that MY LOOKS are being compared to other people’s looks. not only this, but I ALSO JUST REALIZED that I TOO could compare myself to OTHER people. (what can I say I SHOUTED A LOT when i was 11) And since i have NO IDEA how to do this in real life, the only time I can really gauge how pretty I am (or am not) is when I’m looking at e-mail attached pictures. Duh.

This whole thing is becoming more complex though, because of these weird things called facebook and myspace. because now, after i carefully evaluate each photo (for my awesomeness level), i then have to decided if it is, in fact, the photo i want everyone I actually KNEW when I was 11 to see. I, of course, want them to see how awesome I look now that I’m no longer 11. HOWEVER, since I’m actually 24 I try to reason with myself by explaining that a. if I AM looking at me, it means other people are probably doing the same thing and therefore nobody really gives a crap about how i look and b. that if i do (once in a blue moon) look bad in a photo, then it’s obviously because of bad lighting. duh again. 

So, if any of you people have any pictures of ME out there, feel free to send them my way. but don’t be all EXPECTING them to show up on a web site, unless I LOOK AWESOME. duh.

UPDATE: I just sent a picture to my mom and it was of me, my sister, my grandma and my friend and my mom was all ‘Oh THANK GOD I’m not in it.’

I thinking that’s where I get this from.

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im so freaking tired.

I really want to post something, because as I’ve mentioned earlier, I like to post ALL THE TIME (you know, so the five people who read this daily will have a reason to keep coming back). I’m just super tired and I had a really long week and work was hard and blah, blah, blah, so instead, I’m just putting this up to let you five people know that I promise to post a bunch of stuff tomorrow (saturday) because it’s my day off. I swear. There will be AT LEAST 67 new posts tomorrow. cross my heart. and by 67 i mean two — one for today and one for tomorrow.

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Bob — like the floaty

I once new a boy named Bob. actually, his full name was Robert E. Eaton.

And bob and I, well, we used to kiss and stuff. back in high school. and sometimes he’d write me notes and tell me I was awesome and then I’d write him notes and tell him HE was awesome. and that was all good for awhile.

But I’m kind of stupid and he was a high school boy, so he was kind of stupid too. and sometimes we’d have these stupid fights. like the time I left him at the movie theater (which was like 12 miles from my house) and made him walk home because he was making me mad and he said ‘let me out of the car’ and then i did (because i ALWAYS call a bluff) and he got out of the car and walked all the way to my house where he apologized for being stupid.

What can I say. we were both stupid. and then one day, all of a sudden we weren’t friends anymore. we had grown apart and that was OK and that lasted a few years. i moved on with my life. he moved on with his.

but then, one night, he suddenly called me up (out of the blue) and everything was all good for awhile and we had one really great conversation — until we had a stupid fight. and he hung up on me and I didn’t call him back (because I ALWAYS call a bluff).

and then, two weeks later he died.

that’s it. he just died. and I never talked to him again. and I NEVER got to work out that stupid fight we had. and when I found out he died, I literally lost control of my body. I don’t remember how, but I fell to the ground. and I cried. for days. I really did. I cried. All the time. because nobody I had ever known had died before. and I think i even went a little bit crazy, because I didn’t know how to deal with the grief and I would find myself trying to talk to him when i was crying.

and I thought (because I was stupid) that i would get over in a few weeks. but that was more than three years ago and I still cry. all the time. and sometimes, I just want to call him and tell him I’m sorry about that stupid fight we had. but I can’t. and it sucks. and I think about it every day. and the only thing i can do now is make sure i never have any more stupid fights with anyone else — ever. and I think that’s the only thing any of us can really do, because all the stupid fights, well, they just seem so stupid in the end.

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