Monthly Archive: July 2008

miracle on route 59

so, you might be all ‘there’s NO SUCH THING as miracles.’

but you’d be wrong.

you see, my best friends mom’s sister once told me about this woman who cured people. (im pretty sure that’s in the category of “MAJOR” miracles.) and another time, i got a job in the chicago suburbs (that’d be a “MIDDLE” miracle). and yesterday i had what some would call a “MINOR” miracle. As in, only two people were ‘miraculously affected.’

but since one of those two people was me, I’m going to go ahead and share:

editor’s note: the following story is totally true. for real. it is.  

ok. so yesterday my neurotic best friend (who HAS to have everything in the exact right place all the freaking time — including her shower supplies. that nobody can even see because there’s a shower curtian. seriously.) somehow managed to lose her car key.

hot d*mn if she didn’t spend for.eva looking for that stupid little black key (which isn’t a key so much as a really expensive computer chip that sucks to replace).

she started looking for it while i was still at work and one hellish commute later, she was still tearing the apartment apart.


that’s when I had to sign up for the stupid key-search-party.

i was all ‘maybe you left it by the mail boxes’

and then she’d be all ‘im pretty sure a ghost took it’

and then id be all ‘no, im pretty sure a ghost didn’t take it. maybe it’s in my purse for some random reason.’

then she’d be all ‘no. ghosts are real, and it’s the only logical explanation at this point.’

after about 97 minutes (ish) of that, we decided that another logical explanation may be that it fell into my (amazing) couch (which unfortunately has cushions that don’t come off, making it impossible to search).

and THEN.

we heard the key.

yep. it was INSIDE my couch.

i started picturing horror-movie-like scenes of us having to tear off the fabric to get at the stupid key.

we flipped it to the side.

and upside down.

and to the other side.

and then upright.

and then back upside down.

and then — she went to stick her hand in the secret hole under the far left cushion (where we could only assume the key must have fallen) and she took a breath.

and (because i was a bit cranky at this point) and i was all ‘REACH FOR THE STUPID KEY! DORK.’

and she was all ‘shh. im praying that God will move the key into my hand.’

and was i all ‘GOD CAN’T MOVE KEYS! UGH’

and before she could say ‘God can do anything,’ he seriously moved the key into her hand.

true story.

the key moved.

into her hand.

and she pulled it out of the couch.

im pretty sure this proves the exsistence of god.

or ghosts.

either way, it was a d*mn miracle.

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ya. i still miss most cheese.

so even though it’s been nearly five months since I gave up cheese and converted to veganism, i still kinda talk about it all the damn time.

like, when i past a restaurant i used to love i say “MAN. back when i ate cheese I used to love me some Papa Johns.” or “MAN. back when i ate cheese i used to love me some olive garden.” or even “MAN. back when I ate cheese I used to love me some TGIFridays.”

this thought is so constant in my mind, that i find myself having to filter it so I don’t repeat it too many times to the same person.

For example, I’ll think to myself “ok self. you’ve passed six restaurants you used to like. on the seventh one you can go ahead and tell somebody that you miss it. … wait for it. OH! there’s one.”

“MAN. back when i ate cheese i used to love me some applebees.”

mmmmm. applebees.



also, i miss Parmesan.


it’s just so freaking good.


flakes of Parmesan on a plate of fettuccine alfredo. yep. that’s what I’LL be eating in heaven (where I can only assume they serve magical cheese that doesn’t come from animals and is cholesterol free.)

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somebody please build a train between here and mchenry. thanks.

so nobody here seems to think that it’s ABSOLUTELY INSANE to commute an hour each way to work.


they all just look at me and say, ‘ya, me too.’

jebus chrest where the heck did i move to?

the drive is KILLING ME.

im so damn tired that i no longer want to do normal things — like blog, cook or work out.

the two hours a day i had free to do such things have now been turned over to the 103.5 morning show and the B96 commercial free hour at 5 p.m.

and hot damn if im not cranky.

my bff just asked, ‘do you want these wheat thins? they’re expired.’

normal roommate question.

but what i heard was ‘why the hell don’t you make something of your life you stupid idiot? gawd, you can’t even throw away expired food.’

and don’t even get me started on road rage.

why the H3LL do truckers need to tailgate me when im going 55 mph on a 45 mph road?


*deep breath*

i don’t know if i can make it in the burbs.

im starting to reconsider my decision to leave south dakota. and that was TWO jobs ago.

sure i had to drive an hour and a half to the nearest Target, but at least my job was 5 minutes away.

why the heck does ANYONE live here?



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