August 2009 – Page 3 – The only certainty is bad grammar

monday. monday. (and also sunday night).

Published: August 17, 2009 / Updated: August 17, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, random thoughts, sh*tty things that happen to me

a couple lame things happened to me, so let’s share shall we?

first, last night i was backing out of my garage at 10:03 p.m. to go to wal-mart because even though i was supa tried, i had no deodorant and was thinking maybe the people i’d see at work wouldn’t be cool with that and also, that maybe there would be a crazy fire or accident or flood or something and i would have to cover it and my soulmate would be there in uniform and then he would want to ask me out when he saw me from afar, but then he’d change his mind when he got up close because i smelled like icky stuff mixed with gross things. and then BAM!

i hit the freaking passenger side mirror off my car by running into the garage wall.

what the frick?! i was going like three miles an hour. don’t car parts typically have a little more fight in them?

plus, come on, we all know im never going to pay to get that crap fixed.

alas, because i still needed deodorant, my roommate and i re-installed it with some packaging tape and off i went in my newly ghetto car.

then today, i went to work at my little bureau office where i was going to enjoy a day of solitude and BAM!.

my key got stuck in the door at work.

it’s a problem that doesn’t even sound like it should be a real problem.

apparently this happens though. keys just go into doors and never come out. they meet someone special or something among all those nuts and bolts and it’s over. you never get to lock your door again. it’s right there next to “bushes spontaneously combusting” on the master list of problems people have.

the three nice men who work nearby all looked at me like i was a bat-sh*t nuts when i asked for help and their eyes said “cute little girl, are you too weak to pull a key out of a door? ha. ha. ha. let me help.”

about five seconds after that each realized i was actually pretty awesome/sane, and that my key was, in fact, stuck in the lock and their eyes changed to say “woah. this key IS stuck in the lock.”

minutes before committing to unscrewing the lock, a miracle tube of de-icer appeared from one of the men and they were able to lube it up enough to pull it out. (that’s what she said).

and off i went.

the good news is, i totally got to wear a pretty new fuschia jacket today that my mom got me for my birthday (which is sunday). and, mad men is back in my life and as awesome as ever, AND a really cute guy sent me a message on facebook.

as a result, im going to go ahead and put the last 24 hours in the win category.

for real this time guys. I’M OVER TWENTY-FREAKING-ONE!

Published: August 16, 2009 / Updated: August 16, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

i went out friday night.

and on the way to the very last bar i had to pee. not pee like “oh, i shall use a restroom when it becomes convenient and until then, i’m fine holding it.”

no no.

this was more of a “HOLY CRAP I MIGHT PEE RIGHT NOW. THIS VERY SECOND. IN MY FRIEND APRIL’S CAR. AND I DON’T EVEN CARE. GET ME TO A BATHROOM NOW!” kinda thing.

and when we got to said bar there was, of course, a line. which almost gave me bladder cancer on the spot.

but alas, i was able to hold it until i got up to the bouncer. and i was all, “here sir. you may have my ID now. look. i am clearly over 21. and the id is real, so i would like to enter and use the ladie’s room if possible.”

but since i look like im 12 and it was a wisconsin ID, he was all, “hmm. i need a second form.”

but last time i went out with april she left my debit card on the sidewalk and only by the grace of the Lord Jesus himself did i get it back the next day, so i no longer bring that when i go with her, so all i had was my blog business cards to show him, which of course i bring everywhere.

and he was like “oh. umm. ok.” but then after looking at them for like three seconds he was like “what the heck are these?! this is not a second form of ID.”

and i was like. UGG! I HAVE TO PEE!!!

and then he was like, “well what’s your zip code?”

but i haven’t lived in wisconsin since 2008, so i couldn’t remember, which i kindly explained to the stupid nice man.

and then he scolded me for not getting my illinois licence yet. and then i was all, it’s because they require a birth certificate, and i can’t find mine. but i know i have it, so im just waiting for it to magically show up under my pillow from the cook county clerk fairy and then i will get my new license.

and i was like, DUDE IT’S ME! LOOK AT THE FREAKING PICTURE. THEN LOOK AT MY FACE. SEE THE PICTURE? SEE MY FACE? IT’S ME! I SWEAR TO GOD IT IS MY ID. I’M CRYSTAL SUE LINDELL. 8/23/83. IT’S ME!!!!!!”

and with a sigh so heavy it could have knocked down the Sears Willis Tower he said “fine. you can go in. but this is your last time.”

and i ran to the bathroom like an olymic sprinter on steroids with expensive running shoes and everything.

and while peeing there on a bar toilet, reading random phone numbers, i thought, wait what? last time? what the heck is that supposed to mean?

umm don’t worry mr. bouncer. i was just using you for your bathroom. i won’t need to come back here again. ever. i shall take my clearly-older-than-21 business elsewhere. stupid jerk.

in unrelated matters i am over 21.

Published: August 12, 2009 / Updated: August 13, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

so a cute boy came over last night.

and i was like, perhaps you can bring one alcoholic beverage and then we shall have many fun times.

and then he told me he’d stop by the alcoholic beverage store, so i requested mike’s hard lemonade.

and when he came over he had a 12 pack of miller bud light AND A 12 pack of mike’s hard lemonade.

for the two us.

there are 21.5 bottles left for those interested.