The only certainty is bad grammar

before i even start telling you this story, i would like the record to show that i am a vegetarian AND that i have even gone months at a time as a vegan, where i ate nothing but tofurky and pretzels. and that i do these things because i love animals.

I LOVE them.

also, i would like the record to show that i love the dog i live with so much that i pick up his poop nearly every day with just a cheap wal-greens bag between my hand and his feces. and after i wash my hands, i then play ball with him for hours on end, even though he carries it back to me over and over and over in the same mouth that has the same tongue he uses to lick ALL the parts of his body.

so it’s not like i just go around trying to kill random creatures. i’d actually argue that the opposite is true.

but OMG THE FREAKING MICE IN THE GARAGE MUST DIE!

they are gross, and scary smart and icky and stupid and ugly and if they come into the house, im moving.

i once caught 12 mice in my Springfield apartment, and I’m sure that David Fitzgerald will be happy to tell you the story of how i thought the mouse poop was bits of chocolate on my counter because i was stupid and naive and could not imagine a world where mice would invade MY house.

i was so dumb. not only did they invade my kitchen, they also had no qualms about going number two right next to my bed. WHERE I SLEPT!

i tried to be nice and all vegetarian-like at first and bought the stupid live traps. but within in one day, they outsmarted it. they somehow used little “mice teamwork” to rig it so they could get the food and escape.

one day.

and once i went to grab a bag of tortilla chip and there were MICE IN THERE!!!!

WHAT THE CRAP?

i ended up giving in and killing them with snap traps. (don’t tell peta).

basically the whole springfield mice saga has led to a deep, deep hatred of the stupid rodents. and when i saw one run across the garage a few weeks ago, i screamed like i was on a roller coaster despite the fact that i was actually on a phone. (sorry diana).

i immediately texted my roommate (the head of the household) that “WE HAVE MICE IN THE GARAGE AND NEED TRAPS”

i even used all caps like that, even though it takes a half second longer for each letter, because she needed to UNDERSTAND.

she got traps. and then put peanut butter on them and set them up.

and we caught one mouse.

and then the other mice figured out how to eat all the peanut butter off the trap without dying.

I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?!? what the crap?

now my roommate has decided to step it up – with electric traps. apparently it will shock the mouse, which then dies in a convenient compartment.

if this doesn’t work, im told an exterminator will be called in.

if THAT doesn’t work, there might just be an accidental fire along the 900 block of quil lane. (mice die in fires right? or do they somehow outsmart that too?)