The only certainty is bad grammar

Editor’s Note: My very best friend April got married this past weekend and I was the maid of honor. Below is the text to the toast I gave to the bride and groom. 

Wow. Just. Wow.

April Colleen Eichele is married. Excuse me, April Colleen Fitzhugh.

Whatever her last name is though, this girl is Amazing.

Incredible actually. Absurdly wonderful, furiously beautiful, and outlandishly fantastic.

And thank God above she ended up with Shannon. Seriously. Thank you God for bringing this man into my best friend’s life. I’m so happy he exists on this planet and that she found him.

And how about is the incredible party these two threw? I cannot explain to you guys how much it means to everyone here that we have been privileged enough to be a part of your very intimate day. Thank you so much for that.

I first met April back when scrunchies were still cool. I knocked on her door, asked her to be my friend and the rest is history.

It’s been about 13 years since then now and it’s incredibly surreal that I am standing up her watching her get married to a real-life prince.

It seems like just a minute ago the two of us were playing Mario Kart on Nintendo, talking on the phone for weeks and eating Taco Bell three times a day.

Over the years, April has taught me so much.

Her tenacity has continually showed me that there’s always a way to solve a problem — whether it’s organizing a closet, finding a way to pay for college or just figuring out which dress to wear on a Friday night.

Her love of God has pulled me back from the dark nights of doubt and worry and given me hope and light more times than I can name.

And her heart has taught me there is such a thing as true friendship, and that two people really can work it out no matter what.

Because that’s how it is best friends. Even though life changes, and we grow up, and learn to drive, and get diplomas, and real jobs, and real apartments and real cars, and real boyfriends, there’s a core to the relationship that cannot ever be destroyed.

It’s as if they are sewn into our hearts in a way that guarantees they are permanently there.

And I can see now that Shannon is sewn into her heart in the same way. That he is now tied to her in a way that guarantees he is permanently there. And I’m so, so happy for that.

In fact, I would like to point out it was only a matter of days after Shannon and April’s first date that I called future-husband on him for her. Because I knew that this was the man who could see what I had always known — April is an incredible woman.

I wish you two more happiness than you thought was possible, more children than you can fit in your car and a more perfect love than either of you two thought was possible.

So, let’s raise our glasses to April and Shannon. May you kiss too many times, love too strongly and be showered with too many blessings. I love you both.

Editor’s Note: My very best friend April got married this past weekend and I was the maid of honor. The morning of the wedding I gave her a survival kit of sorts that included a bunch of stuff she might need during the day. I also wrote this poem to go with the box:

Dear April,

Here is a Just In Case box made especially for you.
I’m hoping it will help get you through the “I do’s”

It has random things that I think you might need
Like a couple of band-aids just in case you ever bleed.

As far as First Aid goes, there’s also some pills.
But don’t get too excited, because they’re just basic Advil.

And, even though your hair will be perfectly set,
You will also find bobby pins and hairspray so you don’t have to fret.

In addition, I included some hand sanitizer gel.
So you can make it to the honeymoon feeling quite well.

In case you start crying there’s plenty of tissue
And safety pins too, so your garter belt won’t be an issue.

And don’t worry about your dress, not even one bit
Because there’s plenty to fix it in the Singer sewing kit.

Plus even if you spill some red wine on your veil,
There’s a Tide to-go mini that will help you prevail.

I also got you some contact solution
So that if you scratch your eye, there is no confusion.

And there’s Chaptsick to help you maintain sexy lips
As well as deordarnt, so you can have sexy pits.

But what would a Just in Case box be without food?
Handing you one without that would be rude.

There’s a Godiva chocolate bar, some trail mix and gum.
And there’s even some mints so you can give Shannon some tongue.

Lest that’s not enough, there’s some Crest mouthwash as well.
And I won’t even ask you to kiss and then tell.

And last but not least is one thing that’s for Shannon too
It’s Ky Warming Jelly for the second you’re both out of view.

I pray that you both will be blessed to end.
And that you’re always know you’re my very best friend.

Love,
Crystal