August 2013 – Page 3 – The only certainty is bad grammar

My final words to the youth group.

Published: August 11, 2013 / Updated: August 24, 2013 Crystal god, humor, Life is hard sometimes, long, Uncategorized

Editor’s note: Today, Sunday Aug. 11, 2013, was my last Sunday as the youth leader at Crossroads of Faith United Methodist Church. Below is the letter I read to the youth for our final youth group.

Dear youth group,

I feel the need to start by telling you that I love you so much.

I know. I know. I tell you guys that all the time. I’m always blabbering on about how I love every single one of you. How I pray for all of you, all the time. How I love you all individually.

But the reason I say it all the time is because it’s true. It’s so, so true.

I love you all. Every single one of you.

I also want to tell you that I hate that I have to leave. I really, really hate it.

I ask God all the time, why he’s taking something I love so very much away from me. And sometimes, I question whether God is even there to hear my question.

I tell you that for two reasons.

One, so that you’ll know I seriously tried every single thing in my power to stay in this role. Seriously. I feel like I clawed at the edge of cliff, until, finally, my hand slipped off and I couldn’t hold on any longer.

The other reason I tell you that is so you’ll know that as you go through life, horrible, unexpected things will happen to you, and they will make you question your faith. They will make you question your beliefs. And they will make you question the very God you pray to.

And that’s OK. The questions are good. They are normal and healthy and as long as you keep asking them, everything is alright. It’s when you stop asking questions that you should be worried. Because it means you’ve given up. Don’t give up.

Also, don’t be afraid to fail. Imagine how many things you could do today, if you’re weren’t afraid to fail? You could ask that hot guy on a date. You could write a poem. You could make a YouTube video. You could write a song. You could start a band.

Now project that out into your life. There are so many things we stop ourselves from doing every single day because that little voice in our heads tells us that we might not be good enough, or we might not finish it, or we might not do it better than the other guy.

But that voice is stupid. Do it anyway. Chances are you probably won’t fail, and even if you do, it won’t be nearly as bad you think it will be. Also, you will have succeeded more than if you had never tried at all.

Have a plan for your life. You don’t have to stick to it, but you do need to have it.

It will help you keep your priorities in order. It will help you make huge life choices. And it will help you get to the next step.

I started out wanting to be a teacher, so I went to college. Than, I thought maybe I could try the writing thing, so I started working for the school paper. Then, I ended up being pretty good at it, and now I work for a candy magazine. I never became a schoolteacher, but imagine if I had never taken the first step to go to college?

Know which rules to keep and which ones to break. Maybe you need to miss a week of school to go to Europe. Do that. Maybe you need to finish all your homework so you can graduate. Do that. Maybe you need to play a clip of Zach singing “I like Big Butts and I cannot lie” in the mission trip video, for the whole church to see. Do that. Maybe you need to wear your yellow Mission trip shirt when everyone else does, so that everyone matches, and it looks awesome. Do that.

Serve others every chance you get, whether it’s opening the door for your mom, or painting a house on a mission trip.

Go on every mission trip you’re invited to go on. I promise it’s always more important than whatever else you have going on.

Read the Bible. Every day.

Brush your teeth twice a day.

Never text and drive. Never drink and drive. Always keep at least a car length of space between you and the car in front of you when you’re in heavy traffic.

Say please and thank you.

Don’t check your phone when you’re on a date.

Go to church every week. Even if you don’t feel like it. Especially if you don’t feel like it.

I confess that one of my biggest fears right now is that I will come back in six months and this entire youth group will be gone. I pray every night for that not to happen. Don’t let that happen. You are the group. No matter who comes in as the new youth leader, you are all the people who make up the youth group. Every single one of you. And as long as you keep showing up, you will all continue to have the wonderful place to come to every week to share your souls with each other.

Take your hat off when you pray.

Pray often.

Donate lots of money to lots of things. Give money to the church. Give money to the homeless man on the street. Give money to your mom. Give money to your friend. Give it away like you can’t take it with when you die, because you can’t.

Never, ever, wear navy blue with black, or brown with black. Just trust me on this one.

Buy the cheap gas, and the expensive deodorant.

When you are old, remember what’s it like to be young. Remember how crazy this time is for you. How emotional it is. How scary the world seems. And have compassion for those who are younger than you.

When you heart is broken, take the time to cry.

Maybe you need five minutes, maybe you need five months. Either way, give your heart time to heal before you date again. It’ll make finding your next love much, much easier. And yes, there will be a next love. I promise.

Forgive others.

Start by forgiving your parents for all the stupid things they did to you.

Then, forgive your best friend every time you have an argument, and your least favorite teacher when she gives you 10-page papers to write. Forgive the guy in traffic who cuts you off, and the boy who never calls you back, and the college that’s too stupid to accept you. And then take a deep breath, let it all go, and move on.

Ask for help.

I have gone through some extremely dark times these last few months, while I’ve been sick. And I’m not afraid to say that on some nights the pain was literally too much for me to handle. And I would think about things I shouldn’t have. And the only way I got through those nights was by picking up the phone and calling Eric or my mom or my friend Terri and having them answer at 3 a.m. and listen to me cry.

I would not have made it through the last few months without the help of my friends and family.

If you can ask for help, you can literally make it through anything.

Live your whole life with passion. If someone asks you to lead a youth group, don’t just show up on Sunday morning. Instead, plan an out-of-state mission trip; start a night group and then personally ask every single kid, every single week if they’re coming to that night group; decorate the room with the kids’ hand prints; serve pizza and Taco Bell and McDonald’s, respond to every single one of their text messages immediately; and pray for them all individually all the time.

Remember that you are always setting an example. People will do what you do. If you jump during the “Waves of Mercy” song, everyone else will too. If you are a hard worker, those around you will become hard workers too. If you care, everyone around you will start to care too.

Love your neighbor.

Love God.

Love,
Me.

Crystal Lindell
Youth Leader, 2010-2013

The second worst thing about being in pain all the time.

Published: August 8, 2013 / Updated: August 8, 2013 Crystal humor, Life is hard sometimes, medium

So here’s the number two most horrible thing about being in pain all day every day (number one being the horrible pain): I’m totally gaining weight and it sucks really bad and I literally don’t know how to stop it.

And before you give me some crap line about moving more and eating less, let me explain some stuff to you.

The pain killers and the nerve medications both list weight gain as a possible side effect. Because of course I didn’t get the random chronic condition that comes with medications that cause unexplained weight loss.

And by “weight gain as a possible side effect” I mean, like I’ll go to the doctor on a Thursday and weigh one thing and then I’ll eat like normal amounts of food (maybe even a little less than normal if I feel particularly crappy) and do normal amounts of things and by my next doctor’s appointment on Monday I will have gained four solid pounds.

And yes, I know that part of this is because I spend so much time with my new BFF, the couch. But that’s because when I do things, like say, shower, or walk around a grocery store, I feel like death afterward.

And so, no, I’m not really burning off any calories. But when I do burn them off, I want to cry and die and drug myself to sleep.

I also know that my eating habits haven’t been the best lately.

But I’m just going to throw it out there that I feel like I’m dying more often than I don’t, and that kind of thing screws with your head in ways you wouldn’t expect, and so yes, many times, when I eat, I’m like, “Dude, whatever, give me another taco. I’m probably going to die tomorrow anyway.”

Like, honestly, I really think I’m going to die tomorrow, pretty much everyday. That’s how much pain I’m in.

Because this is my blog and I want to be honest in this space, I’m just going to go ahead and confess that since February I have literally gained over 40 pounds.

In six months I have gained 40-freaking pounds.

What the what?

I talked with my neurologist, and he switched me from one nerve medication to another, hoping it would help, but I’m still gaining like a pound a day.

Like seriously, I gained 10 pounds while I was on a mission trip, eating sandwiches and one scoop of noodles for dinner every night and painting houses all day.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, everyone in my life has been super amazing about it. My boyfriend has not mentioned it even once, not even in passing. And, neither has any of my family members. And I know that all the kids in my (soon-to-be former) youth group love me dearly, because they are so amazing that I seriously get the impression that they don’t even notice.

But I notice. And my stupid, stupid clothes notice. And the stupid, stupid scale at the doctor’s office notices.

So yesterday, I was like, screw this, I’m going to try to do something. And so I went for a walk.

According to my cell phone, I went 3.89 miles.

I mean, ya, when I came back home and sat on my couch, it felt like my ribs were literally going to explode off of my body because I was in that much pain. But the walk itself wasn’t so bad, what with the help of a the prescription pain pills and whatnot.

Anyway, as most of you know, I’m moving in with my in a couple weeks, and I’m hoping the change will help me eat a little healthier and walk a little more. (My mom seriously loves walks).

In the meantime though, I’m just trying to find lots of reasons to wear yoga pants, because nothing else I own fits me anymore.

Getting more tests. I hope I pass.

Published: August 1, 2013 / Updated: August 1, 2013 Crystal Life is hard sometimes, medium, Pain

I have finally convinced a doctor to order to an MRI of my ribs and my chest.

You know, the actual part of my body where the insane amount of pain is coming from? Ya. There.

You’re probably all, “But Crystal, you’ve been in pain for SIX MONTHS? How have they not already done this?”

Well, here’s the thing. While I have had two chest X-rays and two CT scans of my chest, the only MRIs I’ve ever had were of my spine and then a totally unrelated one of my head to make sure I didn’t have a random aneurysm causing my headaches. (I don’t).

My understanding of the situation is that the doctors thought that the nerve pain in my front right rib should be connected to my spine, and therefore would show up on a MRI images of my back.

Those all came back normal though.

And then my pain specialist (who I hate) told me that an MRI of my ribs wouldn’t show anything anyway, so I shouldn’t get it.

But in the back of my head, this whole time, I’ve been thinking I should probably get one just in case.

And now, my neurologist (who I love) has finally decided to order one.

The good news: It could show the nerves in my ribs and it might even show the problem.

The sorta bad news: The nerves are so small in that part of the ribs, and so close to the blood vessels, that there’s a chance the MRI won’t show anything useful at all. The neurologist says that doesn’t mean nothing’s wrong, it just means nothing showed up on the MRI. But basically, I shouldn’t get my hopes up.

In other news, he’s also upping my nerve medication. And then, depending on how that goes for the next week, he says I can call him and he’ll put me on another steroid pack if needed.

Ya, my neurologist is pretty awesome.

He cares.

So now I just have to wait for the insurance company to approve the MRIs of my ribs and my chest, and then get them scheduled, and then get them done, and then hope something shows up.

Because the next test my neurologist wants to order is a spinal tap, and I’m not exactly sure what’s all involved in that, but the only times I want to combine the words “spinal” and “tap” are in reference to a parody rock band.