humor – Page 93 – The only certainty is bad grammar

kind of like a public stoning, but for my eyebrows

July 10, 2008 Crystal humor, im cool, long

they look at LEAST as cool as angelina jolie's in Wanted

I have a confession to make.

If left unattended, i kind of have a uni-brow.

seriously.

but that’s not even the worst part.

the worst part is that nobody had the sense to shake the denial out of me about this until i was 18.

18!

People, it’s no wonder I had trouble dating in high school.

sigh.

anyway, thanks to an overly aggressive college roommate combined with some constant nagging from my bff, i finally got the things waxed in late 2001.

ever since then I’ve been on the hunt for THE perfect eyebrow waxer.

not an easy task for someone who moves every six months and refuses to pay anything over $13 for inflicted pain.

BUT THEN! my bff (who’s always one step ahead of the beauty trends) told me about threading.

and i’ll go ahead and lede with the fact that my eyebrows DO look pretty amazing. (see above).

however, there’s SO, SO, SO much more to that story than the lede.

for example, there’s some MA-JOR pain associated with the whole process.

With waxing someone puts hot wax on your eyes and then RRRRIIIIIPPPPS! it off (don’t get me wrong, that hurts like a bi-otch.) but everything’s over in less than a second and with some deep breathing, it’s almost not noticeable.

However, with threading, someone uses two small threads to repeatedly (that’s right, REPEATEDLY!) pull chunks (yes CHUNKS!) of eyebrow hair out — which takes about 10 minutes.

per eye.

now THAT is pain.

just so you can visualize how this went down, i want you to understand that i got this done in the mall.

at a kiosk.

near the food court.

and strangers apparently came over to watch.

and it hurt so bad that i had to push the lady away while she was doing it because i thought i was going to throw up.

my friend even told me that THIS is how the military gets confessions. screw waterboarding.

when i finally got to look in the purple handheld mirrorat the kiosk, i did smile.

it was, after all, in the name of beauty. and i AM trying to find a husband. (kiiiddding.)

you see, threading results in a more perfect eyebrow than waxing, because the umm, “threader” can arch the eyebrows more meticulously. although, im not sure why. my eyes were kind of closed during the whole process.

the result for my face was near perfection. (although some said the brows were a little on the thin side).

bottom line: would i do it again sober? no. would i do this again with a pre-threading glass of wine? duh.

seriously. this holiday is better than christmas

July 4, 2008 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

: my hat is cooler than yours.

HAPPY FREAKING FOURTH OF JULY!

this is pretty much my favorite holiday.

there’s fun times. family. and fireworks. (who doesn’t love fireworks? that’s right. nobody.)

everyone is here at my aunt and uncle’s house (hi sandy! hi glen!). and in my family this is THE biggest holiday of the year.

first of all, the weather usually rocks. nobody has ever had to freaking drive to an independance day party in the middle of a blizzard. (at least not in america.) (well, maybe in alaska — im not sure how the weather works there).

second, i didn’t have to buy anybody a gift. as my friend tom loewy says “the most anyone gets asked to do on the fourth is bring a covered dish.”

third, there’s a PARADE! with free candy! before noon! what’s not to enjoy?

and fourth, you don’t even have to believe in the meaning of the holiday to celebrate it. not true with most other things. for example, if you don’t believe in jesus, christmas is kind of lame. and so is easter. HOWEVER, if you don’t believe in like AMERICA, the fourth of july still rocks. im not particularly patriotic (i even hate the president) but it’s still perfectly acceptable for me to get into the spirit of things today with a stylish red, white and blue hat. (see above).

in conclusion: you now have FOUR reasons the FOURth of july is great.

now i need to stop wasting away the BEST day of the year blogging.

GO.FOURTH!!!!!!!!!

i can watch them dance if i want to.

July 3, 2008 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

well not blogging sucks.

im so, so sorry that i haven’t been writing much lately, but i kind of lost a large portion of my interweb access when i quit my job. (stupid job.)

i just wanted you guys to know that im still alive.

and funny as ever.

i’ve basically spent the last few days chillin with my family from new orleans and freaking out about where the heck me and my awesome couch are going to live.

also, ive been navigating chicagoland traffic and eating mcdonald’s french fries WAY more than i should.

however, more importantly, the down time also has allowed me to do my favorite thing in the middle of the day.

watch tv.

i’ve seen 23 episodes of of ‘law and order,’ (seriously, that show is ALWAYS on). I’ve watched the ”local news’ at 5 p.m., 6 p.m. and 10 p.m. and i’ve gotten all caught up on ‘randy jackson presents:‘america’s best dance crew.”

which brings me to my point: I LOVE WATCHING PEOPLE DANCE!

see, ABDC (that’s how ‘america’s best dance crew’ is abbreviated by mtv. i didn’t just make that up) is this super awesome show where “dance crews” from across “america” compete to be the “best.” (what exactly they do after they win the show is yet unclear as cd sales of nobody signing don’t do so well, but i have hope they mtv will be able to market these people.)

it’s hosted by everyone’s favorite high-school crush mario lopez (better known as A.C. Slater) and he’s still has the EXACT SAME hair cut that he had in 1992. he tries really hard to be cool like he was on “saved by the bell,” but the problem is “saved by the bell” was not actually cool, so instead he’s just super corny.

his poor hosting abilities don’t even matter though, because this show is about THE CREWS (which incidentally, rock my socks.) they do like tricks and stuff. and they wear cool outfits. and they are super good dancers (hence the show’s title) and one is even from NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS (where my bff currently lives).

the judges are also fun.

they include a nice guy (shane), a bitchy talkative woman (lil’ mama) and a gay guy prick a random other guy (mr. j.c. iwasinaboyband)

(i have a serious crush on shane)

the most awesome thing about this show though is that it REALLY IS fun for the whole family.

for example: me, my nine-year-old sister and my 40-something uncle recently enjoyed a full episode together even though NONE of the commercials were marketed toward us. (my teen-age cousin also watched the show with us and afterward immediately went to the store to buy fructis, pre-bought tickets for ‘meet dave’ and signed up for “NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC 432.”)

in conclusion: i love ‘america’s best dance crew’ and you will too. now where are my french fries?