long – Page 28 – The only certainty is bad grammar

those with doctorates are fine, it’s doctors i hate

April 26, 2008 Crystal anti-meat, long

well the book i read about bein’ vegan SAID my stomach would hurt for like a month after i gave up everything-animal — i assumed it was related to some sort of cheese withdrawal — but it’s been like 2.5 months now, and my stomach still freaking hurts.

oh, and i’m STILL dizzy.

Now, a NORMAL person probably would go see a doctor if they were having stomach problems and getting dizzy.

but im a STUPID person, who likes to rationalize things away under the assumption that my health problems will fix themselves. (i do this with cars too). so in that spirit, here is a list of ten reasons why I really, really, really, don’t want to go see a doctor:

1. i freaking hate finding a doctor covered by my insurance.

2. oh ya, and actually, i just hate insurance companies. they’re so manipulative. they say things like ‘oh, you just have to pay $10 and we’ll cover the rest,’ but what they mean is ‘oh, we said TEN dollars? well, we’ll just bill you the other $3,500 for that test we don’t cover. no big deal right?’

3. i hate when doctors are judgemental. and this really makes me mad, because my junior high health teacher told me this wouldn’t be a problem. so not only do i feel judged, i feel lied to.

4. im worried the doctor will tell me i need to lose weight.

5. and then i will tell the doctor that i’m LOSING weight because im vegan.

6. and then the doctor will tell me that being a vegan is SUPER unhealthy. so I’ll feel guilty about my weight AND my diet. and I’ll go home and cry.

doing what johnny depp does seems hard. and tiring

April 17, 2008 Crystal im cool, Johnny Depp, long, wisconsin

well, since I’m officially “the closest to a real stalker as (my co-workers) can allow (me) to ethically get” (hi erin!), i went out to try to see jonnhy depp just ONE. MORE. TIME. wednesday night.

plus, um how often IS johnny depp like three blocks from where you work. huh? huh? that’s right. once. once in your WHOLE life.

This time I wasn’t a lonely gawker because i was actually standing with people i knew — three women who missed out on the whole religious experience i had Monday night.

actually, 3.7 women, because one of them is like 8 months pregnant. true story.

we had to wait like three hours, which is a little longer than I waited monday night, but a LOT shorter than what i waited Friday night.

and i had to keep convincing this little boy next to me that it was in fact TOTALLY worth it to wait this long to see Captain Jack Sparrow. (i know, duh! right?)

and then.

there was the official johnny sighting. (!)

I totally saw johnny depp (ish)

April 12, 2008 Crystal im cool, Johnny Depp, long, wisconsin

So i think people totally underestimate my stalking abilities. seriously.

and that’s a shame, because I’m really good at stalking.

you see, Johnny Depp is kind of filming a major motion picture (do they still call movies that?) at an airport like one mile from my house. ok, maybe two miles. but two miles is still REALLY close. The movie is called “public enemies” and it’s a 1930s-era gangster flick (ya, ‘flick,’ that’s what they call movies now).

Since i’m in love with Johnny (that’s right, we’re on a FIRST-name basis), I figured I should go say hi and all.

Actually, what happened was, I got off work and thought I’d just go by the airport they were rumored to be filiming at and see if anything was going on. and because God DOES love me (hi God!), stuff was totally going on.

and ya, johnny depp wasn’t there yet, but I had faith.

The first rule of gawking (or as i like to call it, ‘hanging out at a random airport just because’) is to tell EVERYONE you meet that you know someone, who knows someone who knows SOMETHING.

It doesn’t have to be a real ‘something.’ It can be ANYTHING. For example, if you tell someone that you KNOW, with 100-percent certainty, that Johnny Depp only chews peppermint gum, they’ll totally let you use their umbrella.

OR, if you tell someone that Johnny Depp is staying in town, they’ll totally show you the super cool pictures they took with their 14-foot camera lens.

Oh! AND! if you tell someone that you know someone who’s an extra, they’ll give their house. true story. (ish).

I made some quick friends. One, I’m a pretty good at saying things i don’t really know about with an air of authority. Two, everyone was just SO EXCITED about johnny coming, that they didn’t seem to notice that they didn’t actually know me. and Three, i just look like a nice girl.

all this helped me get to the VERY FRONT of the fence we couldn’t cross.

the second rule of gawking is to bring binoculars. i didn’t know this rule, but a girl in a red coat standing next to me totally did. and since she had just become my new best friend, she totally let me borrow them!

and THEN!