I got gastritis. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

My doctor told me not to eat chocolate for at least 30 days because the my stomach lining is swollen and I have an ulcer in my intestines and apparently chocolate is bad for those things.

And I was all, “But, umm, I write for a candy magazine. It’s literally my job to eat chocolate.” And she was all, “He He He. You’re so funny. Just eat other candy.” And I was like, “Whoa. This sucks.”

And then I went back to work today after being out sick Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and wouldn’t you know that I got a sample box of 16 chocolates with a retail price of $48. Those are some seriously amazing chocolates.

Ya, I ate five of them.

And they were all amazing. One had passion fruit in the center and I loved it.

Backing up a few steps, for those who don’t follow me on Facebook, I was in the hospital Monday and Tuesday. Apparently I have gastritis in my stomach and the aforementioned ulcer. It basically feels like someone took a metal bat to my side.

And because gastritis rhymes with bronchitis, I can’t help but quote this amazing women pretty much all day, every day.

You’d be shocked to learn how often I can tell people I wanted a “cold pop!”

Anyway, so ya, Monday morning I woke up, and my side hurt and I thought I was going to die, and so on my way to work I figured I’d just swing by the emergency room — you know, to see how long I had.

They pumped me full of morphine like the second I walked in the door. Then they X-rayed my chest, but nothing showed up. So then they gave me a CT Scan and it turns out that I am one of the few people who vomits after being pumped full of the dye they rush through your system right before they take the pictures. So, ya, that sucked.

And then they were all, “The CT Scan looks pretty good. We think you have an ulcer. We’re going to keep you overnight so we can better manage your pain, and then tomorrow we’re going to stick a camera down your throat and take a look around. Cool? Cool.”

And I was like, “OMG!!!! What if I wake up while you’re sticking a camera down my throat?”

And the dude was like, “Ya, that could happen. But you won’t remember it.”

Which wasn’t exactly the response I was hoping for.

I slept with an IV in my arm and every single time I bent my elbow the alarm on the IV beeped like an insane person worried the sky was falling and then I had to call a nurse and I think the nurse got annoyed that I kept calling, but she wouldn’t tell me how to shut the IV off myself when that happened, so whatever.

My mom and grandma came up and spent the night in the hospital with me because spending the night in the hospital sucks and is scary and people literally wake you up at 4:30 a.m. to draw blood from your arm like it’s normal and so it’s really important that your mom and grandma spend the night in the room with you when that happens.

The two of them rotated between the bed and the couch.

Here is my mom on the couch:

And here is my poor grandma sleeping on the chair:

I’m really sorry you had to sleep like that grandma!

My brother Steve was also by my side for most of this crazy hospital adventure. He served as the coherent person in the room when I was doped up on morphine and the doctors were trying to explain crazy things to me about my intestines.

Of course, my amazing boyfriend was there as well. He held my hand through everything and was awesome and brought me roses and I love him because he is so awesome. And once, when the nurse was pumping drugs into my IV, I was holding his hand and the nurse was all snark and all, “What do you think is going to happen?” And I was all, “Nothing. I just like to hold his hand.” Boo-ya!

Now, to answer the question I know you’re all thinking: How the heck did my stomach get so screwed up? Well, it turns out that taking 9-12 Advil a day, every day for 10 years can mess you up. I basically can never take another Ibuprofen again for the rest of my life. Ever.

Also, for the next 30 days I can’t eat tomatoes, drink soda or have large meals. So far so good on all of those, even though before this happened I basically lived pop and large, heavy tomato-based meals. The last restriction though — no chocolate — well, ya. I hope the doctor wasn’t super serious about that one.

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Comments (7)

  1. Cha Cha

    Oh, Lord Jeezus, it’s gastritis!

    What a monumental bummer. I hope you’re feeling better, or at least enjoying a cold pop.

    Reply
  2. Amalya

    I just got out of the hospital yesterday night, I was hospitalized for 2 days and this is my second time having gastritis-_- the first time was last year and this time it wasn’t as bad but I still can’t eat chocolate and it’s closer to my period when I’m having chicolate craving-__-

    Reply
    1. Kalyan

      HerbsHerbs may cause side effects or inrctaet with medications. They should, therefore, be used with caution and only under the guidance of a professionally trained and qualified herbalist. With that said, there are many herbs, some of which are described below, that may be recommended by an herbal specialist for symptoms of gastritis. The herbalist would work with you to individualize your treatment.* Astragalus (Astragalus membranaceus) – used traditionally to treat stomach ulcers. May also prevent the damage from radiation or chemotherapy that can lead to gastritis.* Barberry (Berberis vulgaris)- This herb contains active substances called berberine alkaloids. These substances have been shown to combat infection and bacteria. For this reason, barberry is used to ease inflammation and infection of the gastrointestinal tract. Barberry has also been used traditionally to improve appetite.* Bilberry (Vaccinium myrtillus) Studies in rats have found that anthocyanidins (an antioxidant) from bilberry fruits help prevent stomach ulcers caused by a variety of factors including stress, medications, and alcohol. Whether this will translate into help for people requires research.* Cat’s Claw (Uncaria tomentosa) – The bark and root of this herb have been used among indigenous people of the rainforest for centuries to treat a variety of health problems including ulcers and other gastrointestinal disorders. The benefits of this herb may be due to its ability to reduce inflammation.* Chamomile, Roman (Chamaemelum nobile) Traditionally, Roman chamomile has been used to treat nausea, vomiting, heartburn, and excess intestinal gas.* Cranberry (Vaccinium spp.) – may have properties that help prevent H. pylori.* Dandelion (Taraxacum officinale) Native Americans have traditionally used dandelion to treat kidney disease, heartburn and stomach upset, amongst other conditions. Chinese medicinal practitioners traditionally used dandelion to treat digestive disorders, Today, dandelion roots are primarily used as an appetite stimulant and digestive aid. If you have gallbladder disease, you should not use dandelion.* Devil’s Claw (Harpagophytum procumbens) many professional herbalists consider devil’s claw to be useful for upset stomach and loss of appetite.* Dong Quai (Angelica sinensis) animal studies suggest that dong quai may soothe ulcers, but studies in people are needed before a definitive conclusion can be drawn.* Ginger (Zingiber officinale) – In China, ginger has been used to aid digestion and treat stomach upset as well as nausea for more than 2,000 years. This herb is also thought to reduce inflammation.* Green Tea (Camellia sinensis) – Population based studies conducted in Japan suggests that people who drink green tea regularly may be protecting themselves from developing chronic gastritis.* Licorice (Glycyrrhiza glabra) this herb is a demulcent (soothing, coating agent) that has long been valued for its use in food and medicinal remedies, including treatments for stomach ailments. Some licorice root extracts, known as deglycyrrhizinated licorice (DGL), still have the healing properties of licorice without the harmful effects (like high blood pressure). DGL may be better for stomach or duodenal ulcers and may even be as effective as some prescription drugs for stomach ulcers.* Slippery elm (Ulmus fulva) Although there has been little scientific research on slippery elm, it has a long history of use based on clinical experience. Gastritis and peptic ulcer are among the conditions that seem to respond to slippery elm.* Turmeric (Curcuma longa) -Turmeric has long been used in both Ayurvedic and Chinese medicine to treat digestive disorders. Scientific research is beginning to test the merit of this traditional use. In an animal study, for example, extracts of turmeric root reduced the release of acid from the stomach and protected against injuries such as gastritis or inflammation of the intestinal walls and ulcers. Further studies are needed to know to what extent these protective effects apply to people as well. (Note: at very high doses, turmeric may induce ulcers. It is very important to stick with the dose recommended by an herbal specialist.)* Yarrow (Achillea millefolium) – Used traditionally to reduce inflammation, increase appetite, and ease stomach upset.Nutrition and Dietary SupplementsEating a diet high in fiber may not only cut your risk of developing ulcers in half, but fiber-rich foods may also speed the healing of ulcers. Fruits and vegetables are particularly protective sources of fiber and seem to reduce the amount of inflammation in the lining of the stomach; fruit juice appears to have this benefit as well. Plus, if you didn’t have enough reasons to avoid fat in your diet already, animal studies suggest that high fat foods may lead to gastritis.Consumption of foods and beverages that irritate the lining of the stomach or increase the sto

      Reply
  3. Ali

    You sound similar to me I’m also inlcbdiery calm in stressful situations. On the other side of that, I too notice a lot of tension in my shoulders. But I’m not getting regular massages, so at least you’re being proactive. It sounds like you’re doing a lot of stuff right, especially with getting enough quiet time to yourself (that’s very important to me, too). The suggestion that Juliet made about journalling might be an option but I haven’t written in a paper journal in many years, so that’s just a hypothesis.Do you make sure you spend enough time laughing/hanging out with friends? That’s a big stress reliever for me.I’ve been considering doing an elimination diet. I think my digestive system has issues with certain foods but I’m not sure which ones. I eat pretty healthy but I’m a bit too reliant on (gluten free) protein bars when I need a quick snack.

    Reply
  4. Lauren

    How long did it take your stomach to recover? Please tell me you made a full recovery?!

    Reply
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