humor – Page 2 – The only certainty is bad grammar

Things I’ve learned from stupid snow

Published: February 5, 2011 / Updated: February 5, 2011 Crystal humor

1. If the whole world tells you that a massive blizzard is coming and it’s going to kills us all, just leave work early and get home because you don’t want to be driving in that crap. Likewise, if the whole world tells you that whatever you’re doing is going to end with horrible consequences, stop.

2. Fill up your gas tank before you head out. Likewise, eat breakfast.

3. People will actually help you dig your car out when it’s buried under a six foot snow drift and they won’t even complain about it. Likewise, a lot of people are mostly good.

4. Working from home is awesome. Likewise, working from home is awesome.

5. Dust pans break when you try to use them as shovels. Likewise, all of us have our breaking points.

6. It’s easy to fall when it’s slippery outside, so I shouldn’t run into stores, movie theaters, restaurants or pretty much anywhere, ever. Also, I should be careful when I walk. Likewise, it’s important not to be too cocky.

7. Cabin fever is real. Likewise, shopping can solves all the world’s problems.

8. Everything is pretty when it’s covered up by a coat of beautiful, white awesomeness. Likewise, ~~where~~* wear clothes that don’t show your bum crack.

9. Cloth gloves may seem like they’re totally worthless, but if the alternative is no gloves then they are the best thing ever. Likewise, sometimes your second least favorite thing/person isn’t really that bad.

10. I still hate snow. Likewise, I still hate snow.

*Thanks Aunt Sandy 🙂

Does this mean my new Bears coat is bad luck?

October 4, 2010 Crystal bears, humor, medium

I have come to the conclusion that the Giants are meanies.

Man, that was hard to watch.

Seriously, what happens when a third-string quarter back gets hurt? Does Gould go in? Because if Gould goes in, I’d think he’d be pretty reliable in the position. I’m just sayin.

My heart goes out to Jay Cutler though. The guy doesn’t suck. He doesn’t. His offensive line just secretly hates his guts so they move out of the way anytime someone from the opposing team even looks in their direction. Or maybe they’re just scared of the other guys. Or maybe they’re just figments of our imagination, and Lovie doesn’t even actually have anyone playing those positions.

Whatever the case, I feel bad for Cutler. I didn’t see the first half of last night’s Bears’ game because I was doing church stuff, but I did listen to the second quarter on Bears Radio 780, so I heard seven of the AND CUTLER GETS SACKED AGAIN!!!s.

Makes me cringe just thinking about it.

And then, because it’s apparently a record or some crap, I got to watch the replays of all 9 sacks on Cutler over, and over, and over as commentators talked smack about my beloved Bears.

Rough night man.

On a better note, let me get a HOLLA!!! for our defense. Those guys rock. They’re all, “Oh, you think you’re going to get a touch down because you’re one yard from the goal? Ha! No. Let me just pop that ball right out of your arm.”

Good times.

But then, of course our stupid offense couldn’t even get out of the end zone so the defense had to come right back on the field. And I know they had to be tired. I would be if I played like 55 minutes of a 60 minute game because my offense thought first downs were bad luck.

Don’t misunderstand, I’m still going to go around being happy that the Bears are 3-1. That’s still good. What? It is? And maybe Sunday’s game will force the Bears to look-up “running game” this week on Wikipedia or something, and they’ll come back with some better plays.

I still have hope for this team and I still believe with all my heart that they will make the play-offs this year.

Now excuse me while I say a prayer for Cutler’s quick recovery and a new offensive line.

Boy plans

Published: April 22, 2010 / Updated: April 22, 2010 Crystal Uncategorized

I suppose I should I just know by know that a 22-year-old boy is not going to be good at making and then keeping plans.

This is my fault.

I’ve dated craptons of stupid 22-year-old boys and none of them ever has ever once ever been good at keeping plans.

So I should know better.

But this boy is driving me insane!

With his, “hit me up, I’ll be around”s and his “I’ll be home, so just give me a call”s.

Seriously.

Ug!

I hate it.

I want definite plans. I want to know exactly what time I should be at your house. And what I should bring. And what kind of shoes I should wear. And what we’re going to eat so that I can make sure to eat something different for lunch. And who’s going to be there. And if I need a jacket or not. And how much money I should bring. And what purse I should bring.

I WANT TO KNOW THOSE THINGS.

But he’s not like that.

He’s carefree, and go with the flow and “whatever man”

Which I like.

I do. I like it.

I like it because I find myself watching “Four Christmases” on his couch while he jumps next to me and then grabs my hand and a suddenly a crappy movie is the best movie I’ve ever seen.

And I find myself wearing his favorite Cubs sweatshirt and having Saturday afternoon lunch together at a very dim and very intimate TGI Friday’s while the rest of the world is running errands and then walking through Best Buy hand-in-hand on a whim and thinking about how much I love spending time with him.

And I find myself smiling all the time.

Those are the kinds of things you can’t plan.

I know that.

But this weekend, I wish, just maybe, we could set a time for dinner.