vegan – Page 3 – The only certainty is bad grammar

Cherry pie FAIL

May 11, 2009 Crystal anti-meat, humor, medium, vegan

see. jayne from the church youth group would have seen this travesty coming from a mile way. when were gathered to make pies as part of the mission trip fundraiser Saturday, she kept insisting that I was going around screwing everything up. telling everyone i can’t property roll dough, rip wax paper or open a can of cherries, and saying things like “way to be crystal. way to be.”

whatever fine. yes. i put holes in the dough, yes. i tore the wax paper and yes. i kind of dropped the tin lid into the cherries.

but alas, i was in denial.

so i tried to take the recipe we used for the fundraiser (provided by the lovely Renee, who goes to our church and makes pie crust like a pastry angle) and bake a cherry pie for my mom last night.

except i suck at making pie crust.

i swear to the oven gods that i used the EXACT recipe i was given. i mixed the oil, flour, salt and cold water EXACTLY as i was told to. and WAM! i get a half-covered pie that has an overbearing wheat flour flavor

i just don’t understand it. i helped roll out 30 crusts Saturday.

THIRTY CRUSTS. what the heck? how did this happen?

i was planning to make a movie-ready pie and then share the specifics with ya’ll, but seeing as how it turned out like a, well, just look at the picture, i think it would be better for all involved if i wait to figure out what went wrong and report back.

for those you who have your own pie crust recipes though and are aching to make a vegan cherry concoction, i WILL tell you that it’s just two cans of cherry pie filling mixed with cinnamon. that’s it. this is one of those awesome baking recipes that’s already vegan and doesn’t have to be tweaked.

and yes, the filling is delicious.

but even that didn’t make me feel better about this whole thing. i mean, it was basically PRE-MADE! just heat. spice and serve.

thankfully, my mom loves me so much that she barely even noticed how much i had screwed up, and even cleaned her plate when i gave her a piece.

and that right there folks. well that’s how i know my mother loves me for me.

things that make my mom rock

May 10, 2009 Crystal anti-meat, blackberry, humor, medium

it’s not like i can go around ignoring a news peg like Mother’s Day. I’m a REPORTER people. so i will now take this opportunity to mention few specific things that make my mom rock.

she always gives me $10 $20 $50 in gas money when i visit.
she loves great america as much as i do.
and water parks.
she never pressures me to give her grandkids.
she always pays when we go out for dinner.
she helps me move like three times a year, even after all my other family members disown me.
speaking of helping me move, when i got a job in south dakota, she didn’t even blink when i needed her to drive 15 hours in -80 degree weather across half the country to the mount rushmore state.
im 25, but she still pays my cell phone bill.
when i date losers, she gives me the space to figure it out by myself.
she buys tofurky when i visit and even tells me she LIKES the way it taste.
while we’re talking about tofurky, she has NEVER discouraged my veganism.
she’s my biggest fan.
when we fight, we always make up.
she reads my twitter even though she barely knows what twitter is.
she laughs at all my jokes
she’s my mom.

a couple “healthy” foods the cool vegan kids disapprove of. (see: diet pop, tofurky)

Published: May 6, 2009 / Updated: May 6, 2009 Crystal anti-meat, humor, im cool, medium, vegan

because it has everything to do with nothing, first we need to talk about how i am awake at 5 a.m.

ya. i just threw up in my mouth a little bit because im so tired.

see, i agreed to work the early morning shift at work, so i have to be there at 6 a.m. and because i underestimated how quickly i could get ready while falling asleep in the shower, i accidentally woke up at 4:30 a.m. and now have a half hour to kill before i go in.

the upside is, you get an unexpected blog entry from me. the downside is im 87 percent sure my screeching alarm clock woke up my roommate, seeing as how it may or may not have taken me about an hour to figure out how to turn it off before i eventually gave up and just unplugged the thing.

so ya, i love coke. the soda, not the white stuff. i love it like dogs love toilet water. i could slurp it up all day long, and just my luck, it’s one of those “technically” vegan foods that’s not only unhealthy for every part of your body, but also isn’t made from any animals.

people, i have TRIED with all of my heart and soul (fine. HALF my heart and soul) to give this delicious concoction up. but alas, it always calls to me like it’s sweet, sweet nectar.

well-meaning folk far and near have suggested i try diet soda instead. but aside from the fact that it taste like crap, i’ve read tons of research about how the stuff they use to give it that awful after taste to make it sweet like regular pop causes CANCER.

i KNOW! right? how could i drink something that could give me CANCER?!! vegans are not cool with such things.

and therein lies the problem. see, i want to give up regular pop, but because i know too much about the negative effects of diet pop that means a cold turkey swap for water or juice. and don’t get me wrong, i like both. but that’s like switching from from all flip-flops to all ugg boots. it sucks.

so instead, i just keep drinking pop.

also, i love tofurky. but every respectable vegan i meet tells me that it’s “too processed.” umm HELLO, who gives a frick? it’s delicious people. DE.LICIOUS. and it’s says “vegan” right there on the package. and i could live on tofurky sandwiches with sliced tomato and a nice cold pop.

so i’d appreciate it if you all stop giving me smug looks now. i would also like to take this opportunity to point out that i don’t eat the following foods: meat, fish, eggs, milk, and cheese.

give a girl a break, will ya? what’s that? you say it could give me cancer? frick.

well, im off to work now folks, where i most likely will have two cokes (non-diet) and then come home to a nice toasted tofurky sandwich. don’t judge.