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i hate being an adult

So if i ran the worldwhen i run the world, i’ll require all employers to give out three numbers for salary:

1. how much they’ll be paying you.

2. how much you’ll get after taxes and

3. how much you’ll get after you pay taxes AND we guilt you into contributing AT LEAST 6 percent into your 401k so you don’t retire broke AND you get health insurance AND you get dental insurance AND if you’re stupid enough to be blind, you also get vision insurance.

IF my current employer had told me figure number three, i probably would have ended up just staying in south dakota — where they at least don’t have a state income tax.

i was stupid enough to not only accept the job without figure three, but i also thought it would be good to start on Nov. 5 . Of course, now i won’t get insurance until after 90 days pass, which would be Feb. 5 and THEN, nothing actually starts until the beginning of the NEXT month, meaning i’m pretty much waiting until March 1 (FOUR months) for coverage (NOTE: this also sucks becuase on Nov. 4 I happen to kind of step on my glasses and break them in half and now they are constantly crooked because they are super glued together, and im waiting for my vision insurance to start so i can get contacts).

Even though March 1 is more than a month away, I enrolled in our benefits package today. and while i was at it, i figured I’d go ahead and start saving 6 percent of my check before taxes. SIX PERCENT PEOPLE. that’s a lot of freaking money, but the web site says if I DONT save that much I’ll probably be homeless when i retire, and it seems like that would kind of suck.

While enrolling, i had to figure out who i wanted my beneficiary to be — my mom — then explain to the computer that she was not my spouse, my domestic partner or my dependent because I basically suck at life and I haven’t got ANY of those things. The computer didn’t understand how my beneficiary could be NONE of those things, so i had to mark ‘other’ and now i need to either find a husband or have baby so my company will understand me.

then, i did a little math and figured out that after all the insurance and the 401k savings, I’ll be making about $6 a month in take-home pay, which shouldn’t be a problem as long as my landlord is cool with me not giving him rent.    

However, in case i get a random illness i want to make sure im covered (note the insurance) and in case i don’t i want to make sure i can retire (note the 6 percent).

At this point in the enrollment process im thinking everything if all good, but a screen pops up telling me that once i click submit I CANNOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES change my coverage. Crap. ok, I cancel that and go back to make sure everything is ok. Yes, i want medical. yes, i want dental and yes, i want vision. looks good to me. ok, submit and… confirm.

FRIK!

I accidental put that I’m a smoker. Apparently that’s the default setting (such crap, because, really? is the default AMERICAN a smoker?? and this is STILL america? right?) and they want to charge me $750 a year for that! i am, of course, NOT a smoker. and I don’t even live with a smoker, so such a charge is TOTALLY NOT COOL WITH ME. I try to hit the back button, but alas, my company’s enrollment Web site is too smart for me, because hitting the back button only brings up an error message. great. this sucks. and seriously, if the HR person can’t change this tomorrow and re-classify me as a non-smoker, i’m probably going to have to quit my job. i’m not saying definitely, im just saying probably. either that, or I’ll have to start smoking so i can get my money’s worth.  

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I seem to be making bad first impressions

So, ever since i was a little girl people have been thinking I was a lesbian. I’m not sure why, seeing as how i make out with boys all the time. And YES, my best girl friend and i DO say “love you” at the end of all our phone calls, and YES, i’ve shared beds with girls before, and YES sometimes my friends and I hold arms when we walk down the street, but NONE of this means I like girls (at least not in that way — not that there’s anything wrong with that). 

This whole thing has never really bothered me though, because I know that I’m NOT a lesbian and IF i were, I probably would have told everyone about it by now seeing as how i love to talk about myself i’m a really open person.

However, recently, some people who are just getting to know me told me that NOT ONLY did they think i was a LESBIAN (which as I stated above, I’m not) when they met me, they also thought i was a stoner. A STONER? WHAT?! WHAT? WHAT?! I’ve never even tried pot (aka mary jane, aka, marijuana, aka, herbs? etc. etc.) in my freaking life.

This observation, however, wouldn’t be a big deal except for the fact that i’m pretty much the EXACT OPPOSITE of a stoner. I’m kind of loud. and kind of talkative. and kind of NOT RELAXED in ANY WAY. and I’ve often had people tell me that pot might go a long way to calm me down (I have OF COURSE never taken this advice). It’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with being a lesbian or for that matter a stoner, it’s just that I’m neither.

So, just in case any of you out there were thinking the same things — I’m officially setting the record, umm straight, as they say, with this post. I’m a boy-loving, non-pot-smoking machine and I plan to stay that way. you know. just in case any of you were wondering.

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fitting out

so I’ve been at my new job long enough to be almost close to qualifying for health insurance and I finally don’t feel like a loser here. Starting any job always sucks and this move has been particullarly hard on me for some reason — I blame the excessive snow and the lack of furniture.

Now, almost three months in, I’m no veteran, but a woman at work DID ask little oh me a question today AND i knew the answer, so I’m thinking I’m making progress. Also, if you needed me to show you where the vending machines are, I’d be all over that. I’m also excited that when there’s a fire (or a police stand-off, or a girls basektball game), I no longer hardly ever have to use my phone navigator to find it anymore.  

OH!, AND people are starting to laugh at some of my jokes! I’m thinking that’s a good sign, seeing as how I’m so funny and all. I’m still worried nobody here thinks I’m cool, but I’m thinking this whole blog thing has made me cooler.

I’m hopeful that one day everyone at this job will either think I’m super awesome or leave. 😉

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