I’m traveling through some crazy decisions these days.
Some keep-me-up-at-night, mind-gymnastics, intense decisions.
I want to tell you all about them, get some input, and feel a little more at peace tomorrow than I do today, but, because they are decisions of the crazy kind, I can’t tell you anything about them.
Doesn’t that suck when writers are annoyingly crypitic like that? I, for one, hate it with all my heart. But here I am doing it anyway because, well, at the end of the Internet, this is my stupid blog. For better and worse.
It’s just, well, I don’t know what to do.
I tried to Google my problem, but strangely, nothing at all came up that was relevant. (Maybe I just didn’t search the right key words). I keep asking live people for advice too, but that hasn’t been much better. I’m finding that I have to just figure this one out myself.
I miss being a little kid, when everything was black and white and easy. Clean your room. Don’t talk in class. Don’t steal candy from the bins at Jewel. And, don’t run up the phone bill calling your friends.
Bam. That’s it. Those were rights and wrongs of the day. No other problems had ever crossed my universe. I didn’t need Google therapy.
So, ya, here I am. All undecided about really important things that I can’t even blog about.
I’m hearing a lot of “pray about it”s which is great and all, except sometimes, I just like hearing things exactly specific to my situation. I’m needy like that. And well, Jesus doesn’t really do one-on-ones, at least not with me.
Ug. I just do not know what to do.
In the meantime though, you can expect a lot of non-emotional blog topics, such as, but not limited too: How I feel about purses, How I feel about tea pots, and How I feel about syrup.* That is, until I can finally be at a place where I can write about these decisions.
*Note: Blog topics may or may not actually happen.
Ok, so I know I’m like five years late to the Pandora party, but now that I’m here, I’m in love.
For the two of you left who don’t know (hi mom! hi dad!), it’s this internet thing that makes radio stations based on songs/artists you like. For example, I heart Ingrid Michaelson, so I made a station named, “Ingrid Michealson station” and now Pandora plays me songs either by her, or songs that are similar to hers. I also have an Audio Adrenaline station, a Sublime station and, of course, a Ke$sha station.
I’m diverse like that.
And, the best part of this particular internet thing is that there’s an app for that. On my Droid.
My new favorite habit is falling asleep while listening to my Ingrid Michealson station with head phones. I feel a little like a 12-year-old who just discovered that every song is actually about me and my life, and I just can’t suck in enough of it.
It’s kind of awesome.
And I’m really excited because it introduces me to new music. Like this song by Griffin House.
My favorite line is “You don’t need to change a thing about you babe. I’m telling you, from where I sit, you’re one of a kind.” It inspires me to use the word “babe” much more often.
Anyway, so ya, I love Pandora. And today I was going to go run errands and I was all “I LOVE PANDORA! So, I shall listen to it while I walk through Meijer.”
I’ve never been that person who has headphones on while I skim the sunglasses rack, (I kind of actually hate that person, because seriously, can you not move so I can get by. Oh, you can’t hear me asking you to move, can you? Dork). But then, I thought, what the hey, this could be fun.
That’s how addictions work. They start making it seem OK to do things that you once thought were totally out of your realm.
But I couldn’t even get to that point because just as I was going into Meijer, Pandora on my phone craped out and started telling me it was “having technical difficulties.”
So I had to walk around stupid Meijer listening to the pre-approved music on the overhead speakers.
How did I ever live that last 27.5 years of my life like that?
Being a youth group leader is basically like reaching into your chest, cutting through your ribs, grabbing a chunk of your beating heart, pulling it out and putting it on the table.
There are long hours, lots of praying, pleading, crying, coffee, and emotional stress.
Like, the one time, after I had that one youth group session where everything blew up in my face, and I went to my only parent volunteer and started crying and telling him that there were in fact kids out there who actually like me. Or that time when I put every ounce of my emotional energy into a session only to leave so drained that my roommate had to remind me that God was in fact, good. Or that other time when I saw a mouse in my office.
Then some days are so amazing that you wonder how heaven could be any better than this.
Days when a student runs over to sit by your in service. Or days when a parent tells the Christian Education committee that he thought your plan to start a high school group was like a boat with a lot of holes in it, but now, he’s really impressed. Or when a student posts on Facebook that the group is going well.
Those are the days that bring the good tears to my eyes. That make me think that maybe God knew what he was doing putting me here at this particular church. And I’m grateful, and happy, and blissful right now that things are finally falling into place.
I wanted to write that here, in this space, so that the next time I feel like crying the bad tears, I can come back and remember that being a youth group leader is actually the most awesome thing in the world.