The only certainty is bad grammar

Hey there, it has been a hot minute hasn’t it.

Sorry about that folks. It’s been a long hot minute for me though yo, and so for the next two maybe twenty sentences, I just really, really want to throw a pity party for myself. If you aren’t interested in such activities feel free to skip the following three paragraphs.

So, I’m just really, really tired, and I’m broke, and a couple weeks ago I led the youth mission trip for my church, and anyone who’s ever led anything involving 12 teenagers, two vans, 5 hours of sleep a night and one bathroom for 38 girls plus adults, will tell you that it is the single most exhausting thing ever (aside from, I’m assuming, giving birth). It’s also super rewarding and life changing and awesome and more worth it than anything (again, aside from, I’m assuming giving birth), but you just come back feeling like you’ve been wondering around the dessert for 40 days.

(Lookout Mountain, which was more of a hill at the top of its game).

Then, as soon as I got home I tried to dive right back into life, but my body was like OH NO YOU DIDN’T, and I got really sick, and had to take more time off work. Then last week I ran Vacation Bible School, and it too was awesome but also exhausting, and then on Thursday, I totaled my car when I rear-ended someone on I-294 just north of the O’Hare Oasis, and I cried a lot, and the stupid state trooper gave me a $120 ticket because he sucks at life, and then while I waited for the tow truck I had to pee super, super bad, but couldn’t and then debated just using a taco bell cup in my car but didn’t and then I prayed really hard, and finally the tow man arrived and took me to a McDonald’s bathroom.

(For the three of you who haven’t already seen this on my Facebook, this is the “after”).

And then, I had to car shop, which basically, sucks. I’m pretty sure the dealer I went to is shadier than a willow tree, but he gave me Oxycontin or something so I feel in love with a 2006 Toyota Camry that has leather seats and the prettiest black paint you ever saw. And now everyone is trying to tell me to be happy about getting a new car, but really I’m just sad that I had to sign my life/soul away for the next six years for a sunroof and a car that doesn’t require any duck tape.

(She’s so pretty. Also, expensive).

So in conclusion, the mission trip rocked, being sick was my body’s way of screaming, CALM THE CRAP DOWN, Vacation Bible School leaves Christian ear worms in your brain all day, so that you wake up singing “Boom Chicka Boom”, I love my new car/hate my new car payment, and I’m going to hit the pillow early tonight for sure.

I’m back from the mission trip, which was all of the following: Awesome, amazing, intense, life-changing, exhausting, hot, fun, emotional, wonderful, joyful, in Oklahoma, 106 degrees, on air mattresses, long car ride, fantastic.  (More to come on all that soon).

We got back Friday at about 11 p.m., and then I seriously slept all day Saturday. Seriously. I only got up to eat and pee. True story.

Then, I literally did church stuff from 8:30 a.m. through 9 p.m. Sunday, with just one total break-down, which I maintain was legitimate.

And today, I’m diving back into the daily candy grind.

Sometime this week I’ll post all the gushy details from the trip that are fit to print, and a slew of my favorite pictures.

For now though, let me just say that picking up trash on the side of an Oklahoma highway without one of those sticks that normal people use, during the last hours of the last work day of the week while it was 106 degrees and grasshoppers the size or  rats flew out of the fields every time you took a step was the second hardest thing I have ever done.

The first was motivating the kids to do the same.

So, a little fight usually goes on between me and God when He wants me to do stuff. Big stuff, like change the world and work for good and spread love, and whatnot. The problem is, he always ask us to do such hard things. Just once, I like him to ask me to do something easy, like watch a marathon of West Wing episodes.

Anyway, 11 months ago, when I first started as the youth director at Crossroads of Faith UMC, it went something like this:

Him: Crystal, I want you to plan a mission trip for these youth.

Me: Um, what now? No thanks.

Him: I’m serious, you need to do this. You have to trust me.

Me: But, um, these guys haven’t done a mission trip in a hot minute, and I just started, and nobody would really notice if I didn’t plan one, and I’m tired, so ya, I think I’ll pass.

Him: No. You have to do this. You know they are life-changing, you know they are powerful, you know that these kids are bursting with a need to go on one, and you know you can do this.

Me: No, really. I’m tired.

Him: I will give you strength.

Me: Fine. I will sign us up. But if this doesn’t go well, it’s on you.

Him: It’ll go well.

Seven months ago:

Me: All right God, I’m planning this thing and bunch of people at this church are looking at me like I’m nuts and none of the kids will commit and I don’t know where the money is going to come from. Are you sure about this?

Him: I’m sure. Trust me.

Me: Seriously God, I’m on the line here. This is a lot of money, and these kids think I’m nuts.

Him: It will be all right. Trust me.

Me: But I’m STRESSED OUT about raising the money.

Random email literally later that night: Hi Crystal! Our committee would like to donate to the mission trip. How much money do you still need? Signed, Awesome people.

Me: (Sigh). Fine.

Five months ago:

Me: Seriously God, I still have a lot of spots left. And I’m still really worried about the funding. Are you sure this is your will? Because if it’s not, just let me know an I’ll cancel the whole thing.

Random woman at church, three minutes later: Hey Crystal, I was wondering if I could donate to the mission trip. Who should I make the check out to? (true story).

Me: Fine, God. You win this round.

One month ago:

Me: Um, God, I no longer have any adult volunteers except for myself. And I have a handful of spots left and I’M FREAKING OUT!!!!

Him: Trust me. This will work out.

This week:

An awesome set of adult volunteers came together, including a church leader who will be bringing his grandson and my mom (hi mom!). And, assuming everyone who told me they were going goes, 15 kids are signed up. AND, after a slew of fundraisers over the last couple months (including, but not limited to: a church yard sale (those things are A LOT OF WORK), a Mother’s Day flower pot sale, a water bottle/parking event and a pancake breakfast), we have nearly all the money we will need.

Now we just have to get ourselves to Oklahoma. I have a feeling God will work that out though.

It’s not too late to donate to this amazing cause. (We could still use about $1,000 for gas). If you’re interested, please send a check to

• Attn: Crystal Lindell,
• Crossroads of Faith UMC,
• 1570 Rodeo Dr. Bolingbrook, Il.
• 60490.

Make it out to Crossroads of Faith UMC and put “mission trip” in the memo line.

Me and God thank you.