:: Tap. Tap. ::

:: TapTapTapTap  ::

Umm, ahem, um, is this thing still on?

Oh! Hello there. How are you? It’s been a few hot minutes hasn’t it? Sorry about that. I’ve been busy keeping my head above water over here. You know, splashing around and wailing and scream-crying (mostly in my car).

Things are much calmer now. My bank account is in the black, my brother (who is now living on my couch) has officially held down a (full-time!!) job for more than two weeks, and neither my cable nor my cell phone were shut off even once.

That’s in large part because my mom is awesome. No, more awesome than that. Seriously.

Life hasn’t been cake for her these days, but as always she pulled some random things together and everything seems to be getting back on the right track again.

Well, you know except for the fact that nobody in my family has health insurance. Well, I have health insurance, sure. And my dad is on Medicare, I think. But well, due to a sad series of events, my mom, my two brothers and my little sister no longer have access to affordable medical care.

The crappiest part though isn’t even the lack of medical insurance, but the fact that my sister currently has braces on her teeth but no longer has dental coverage. I’m pretty sure she’s had serious fears about the orthodontist demanding to immediately take off her braces if they can’t pay. So pray about that, ya?

The frustrating thing is that my two brothers both are working full time, and my little sister is 12. There is no reason ever in the world that those three people should not have medical insurance in the United States of America.

And seeing as how my mom bore said children, and then raised them and everything, it just seems to me that she too should have some sort of medical coverage. At least for emergency care.

My brother (the one living with me) randomly got the legit flu last week. I admit, at first I was very older-sister about the whole thing, all, “You JUST got this job. You have to go to work. I’ve gone to work sick a bazillion times. That’s what adults do. So get your butt to work.”

And to his credit, he did just that for two days. But on the third day he was so weak that while trying to bath himself and he literally fell asleep in the water. At that point, I was all, “FINE. Let me see if you have a temperature. ”

He did.

100.7.

So then I felt bad for him. And after much prayer/anxiety-filled decision making, we decided it would be best if he went to his job and told them he wanted to work there with all his heart and soul but that he didn’t exactly have the strength to stand up right now. Thank the Lord in heaven right now that they were cool about it.

After I tucked him in to couch to go to sleep, I started to play my favorite mind game – worry about everything ever.  Which off course led my brain to the possibility that my brother would end up with pneumonia and die.

Dude has had it once before, so it’s not really that far-fetched people. Just sayin’.

I got super nervous that he would need medical care and started Googling flu.gov for signs its time to take someone to the hospital. And then, of course, I got even more freaked out because he doesn’t have medical insurance.

I mean, ya, I know, they would HAVE to treat him. But they would also have the right to charge him exactly one arm, one leg and one first born child for said treatment. Not exactly the kind of bill he or anyone else in my family is in a position to pay right now.

Luckily, after he slept for about 48 hours straight, his fever went down and he regained the strength to bath himself so we never did end up having to go to the doctor.

But the point is, going to the doctor shouldn’t cause financial panic. Not in America.

And I don’t understand why he works full time and doesn’t have insurance. And I don’t understand why I work two jobs, but I can’t put any of my immediate family members onto my insurance plan. And I don’t understand people who think the health care system in American is awesome.

I just don’t.

The good news is, my company gave me a free flu shot this year (the nurse came to our offices and everything), so I was totally golden illness wise. Good thing the one with the medical insurance won’t need to be seeing a doctor for the flu anytime soon, huh?

YAY AMERICA!

For the past week or so I’ve basically felt like someone hit me in the back of the head with a frying pan, and the blow somehow caused extreme stress to vibrate through my body.

You know things are rough when I start talking about dying my hair brown. It’s never a good sign.

Basically, I’m living on like $3 a day, which isn’t really enough because gas cost $3 a drop and I have to drive 400 miles uphill each way to work everyday and I therefore use a crapton of gas.

Also, my brother recently moved in with me. I love him fiercely, and he actually went to work at his brand spanking new job last night so that’s very exciting, but living with your brother in a one bedroom is hard and trying to help him get on his feet while you live on $3 a day is harder.

And the rest of my family isn’t exactly rolling in the dough these days, so my typical support system is about as strong as a wet noodle. And really, it’s a situation, where I wish I could give them money. But I can’t. And it sucks. (See: $3, day).

Oh, and just to make sure I hit all the crazy stress bases, my dad is umm, well, he’s dating this woman and well, let’s just say I recently used the B word. To describe her. To her. And it was preceded by the F word. In my defense, she deserved it. But ya, there’s some tension there.

Also, I hate that it’s always cold and dark outside. I just hate it. Somehow financial problems and family problems and exhaustion problems seem so much less daunting when it stays light out until 9 p.m. and you can go swimming in the sunshine anytime you want.

In conclusion, all of this has added up to me being in a stress comma pretty much non-stop lately. I can’t concentrate, I can’t see the light at the end off these tunnels and I wake up at 4 a.m. every night out of panic. You know, the usual.

I’m not going to sugar-coat it, I’ve been kind of pissed at God about all this. I keep praying to Him about things and reading scripture and praying, but dude, what the heck? This is all a little much. I need some help down here. Like now.

And yes, I do know that good youth leaders aren’t supposed to go around using the word “pissed.” But it’s the only word I can think that conveys how incredibly angry and frustrated I am.

I’m sure all these things are happening for a reason, and I’m sure that he’s helping me out in more ways that I can see, but life is a really intense struggle right now and I’m not myself and I’m reaching my breaking point more often that I want to and so ya, I’m a little pissed that the world around me seems to be falling apart, God.

The good news is that my homework for my Disciple 1 Bible study class this week is Job. Something tells me there will be some insight in there.

And if I can just keep getting through each day in one piece, well, then that will be one more day under my belt then I had before and one more day in front me courtesy of God. That’s all anyone can ask for I guess.

And from what I understand this whole winter thing ends every single year, and there’s no reason that this year will be any different. Spring 2012, here I come.