For the past week or so I’ve basically felt like someone hit me in the back of the head with a frying pan, and the blow somehow caused extreme stress to vibrate through my body.
You know things are rough when I start talking about dying my hair brown. It’s never a good sign.
Basically, I’m living on like $3 a day, which isn’t really enough because gas cost $3 a drop and I have to drive 400 miles uphill each way to work everyday and I therefore use a crapton of gas.
Also, my brother recently moved in with me. I love him fiercely, and he actually went to work at his brand spanking new job last night so that’s very exciting, but living with your brother in a one bedroom is hard and trying to help him get on his feet while you live on $3 a day is harder.
And the rest of my family isn’t exactly rolling in the dough these days, so my typical support system is about as strong as a wet noodle. And really, it’s a situation, where I wish I could give them money. But I can’t. And it sucks. (See: $3, day).
Oh, and just to make sure I hit all the crazy stress bases, my dad is umm, well, he’s dating this woman and well, let’s just say I recently used the B word. To describe her. To her. And it was preceded by the F word. In my defense, she deserved it. But ya, there’s some tension there.
Also, I hate that it’s always cold and dark outside. I just hate it. Somehow financial problems and family problems and exhaustion problems seem so much less daunting when it stays light out until 9 p.m. and you can go swimming in the sunshine anytime you want.
In conclusion, all of this has added up to me being in a stress comma pretty much non-stop lately. I can’t concentrate, I can’t see the light at the end off these tunnels and I wake up at 4 a.m. every night out of panic. You know, the usual.
I’m not going to sugar-coat it, I’ve been kind of pissed at God about all this. I keep praying to Him about things and reading scripture and praying, but dude, what the heck? This is all a little much. I need some help down here. Like now.
And yes, I do know that good youth leaders aren’t supposed to go around using the word “pissed.” But it’s the only word I can think that conveys how incredibly angry and frustrated I am.
I’m sure all these things are happening for a reason, and I’m sure that he’s helping me out in more ways that I can see, but life is a really intense struggle right now and I’m not myself and I’m reaching my breaking point more often that I want to and so ya, I’m a little pissed that the world around me seems to be falling apart, God.
The good news is that my homework for my Disciple 1 Bible study class this week is Job. Something tells me there will be some insight in there.
And if I can just keep getting through each day in one piece, well, then that will be one more day under my belt then I had before and one more day in front me courtesy of God. That’s all anyone can ask for I guess.
And from what I understand this whole winter thing ends every single year, and there’s no reason that this year will be any different. Spring 2012, here I come.