January sucks. Also February.

For the past week or so I’ve basically felt like someone hit me in the back of the head with a frying pan, and the blow somehow caused extreme stress to vibrate through my body.

You know things are rough when I start talking about dying my hair brown. It’s never a good sign.

Basically, I’m living on like $3 a day, which isn’t really enough because gas cost $3 a drop and I have to drive 400 miles uphill each way to work everyday and I therefore use a crapton of gas.

Also, my brother recently moved in with me. I love him fiercely, and he actually went to work at his brand spanking new job last night so that’s very exciting, but living with your brother in a one bedroom is hard and trying to help him get on his feet while you live on $3 a day is harder.

And the rest of my family isn’t exactly rolling in the dough these days, so my typical support system is about as strong as a wet noodle. And really, it’s a situation, where I wish I could give them money. But I can’t. And it sucks. (See: $3, day).

Oh, and just to make sure I hit all the crazy stress bases, my dad is umm, well, he’s dating this woman and well, let’s just say I recently used the B word. To describe her. To her. And it was preceded by the F word. In my defense, she deserved it. But ya, there’s some tension there.

Also, I hate that it’s always cold and dark outside. I just hate it. Somehow financial problems and family problems and exhaustion problems seem so much less daunting when it stays light out until 9 p.m. and you can go swimming in the sunshine anytime you want.

In conclusion, all of this has added up to me being in a stress comma pretty much non-stop lately. I can’t concentrate, I can’t see the light at the end off these tunnels and I wake up at 4 a.m. every night out of panic. You know, the usual.

I’m not going to sugar-coat it, I’ve been kind of pissed at God about all this. I keep praying to Him about things and reading scripture and praying, but dude, what the heck? This is all a little much. I need some help down here. Like now.

And yes, I do know that good youth leaders aren’t supposed to go around using the word “pissed.” But it’s the only word I can think that conveys how incredibly angry and frustrated I am.

I’m sure all these things are happening for a reason, and I’m sure that he’s helping me out in more ways that I can see, but life is a really intense struggle right now and I’m not myself and I’m reaching my breaking point more often that I want to and so ya, I’m a little pissed that the world around me seems to be falling apart, God.

The good news is that my homework for my Disciple 1 Bible study class this week is Job. Something tells me there will be some insight in there.

And if I can just keep getting through each day in one piece, well, then that will be one more day under my belt then I had before and one more day in front me courtesy of God. That’s all anyone can ask for I guess.

And from what I understand this whole winter thing ends every single year, and there’s no reason that this year will be any different. Spring 2012, here I come.

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  1. A good youth group leader is honest- even about being angry with God. It’s a normal feeling in times of crazy stress, and something that many of the students in your youth group probably struggle with too. The important thing is how you deal with being angry at God- do you run away from Him, or cling to him as you trudge through these hard times. And you’re right, one day at a time is exactly how you will get through this. Luke 12:25

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