humor – Page 12 – The only certainty is bad grammar

Pandora stole my heart.

Published: November 20, 2010 / Updated: November 20, 2010 Crystal humor, im cool

Ok, so I know I’m like five years late to the Pandora party, but now that I’m here, I’m in love.

Love.

For the two of you left who don’t know (hi mom! hi dad!), it’s this internet thing that makes radio stations based on songs/artists you like. For example, I heart Ingrid Michaelson, so I made a station named, “Ingrid Michealson station” and now Pandora plays me songs either by her, or songs that are similar to hers. I also have an Audio Adrenaline station, a Sublime station and, of course, a Ke$sha station.

I’m diverse like that.

And, the best part of this particular internet thing is that there’s an app for that. On my Droid.

My new favorite habit is falling asleep while listening to my Ingrid Michealson station with head phones. I feel a little like a 12-year-old who just discovered that every song is actually about me and my life, and I just can’t suck in enough of it.

It’s kind of awesome.

And I’m really excited because it introduces me to new music. Like this song by Griffin House.

My favorite line is “You don’t need to change a thing about you babe. I’m telling you, from where I sit, you’re one of a kind.” It inspires me to use the word “babe” much more often.

Anyway, so ya, I love Pandora. And today I was going to go run errands and I was all “I LOVE PANDORA! So, I shall listen to it while I walk through Meijer.”

I’ve never been that person who has headphones on while I skim the sunglasses rack, (I kind of actually hate that person, because seriously, can you not move so I can get by. Oh, you can’t hear me asking you to move, can you? Dork). But then, I thought, what the hey, this could be fun.

That’s how addictions work. They start making it seem OK to do things that you once thought were totally out of your realm.

But I couldn’t even get to that point because just as I was going into Meijer, Pandora on my phone craped out and started telling me it was “having technical difficulties.”

UGGGG.

Withdrawal sucks.

So I had to walk around stupid Meijer listening to the pre-approved music on the overhead speakers.

LA-AME.

How did I ever live that last 27.5 years of my life like that?

The regular rotation

Published: October 20, 2010 / Updated: October 20, 2010 Crystal feminism?, humor, im cool, journalism, medium, Wow

Woah. So. It’s 11 p.m. already and I’m just now sitting down to dinner with my roommate and her boyfriend.

11.

And I have to wake up at 6 a.m. tomorrow.

This is my life now.

I do not understand people who are bored. Who are these people and why aren’t they helping me do my laundry?

Ya. Whatever. It’s been like two weeks since I did my laundry and I had to wear my leopard skirt to work today, which I’ve had since I was 16. True story. And depending on which top I pair with the skirt, it can go either professional or hooker.

I did get about 50 compliments on it though, so maybe I should put it back into the regular rotation.

Moving on, I had a fantastical day!!

My editor said she was pleased as punch for me and the happiness that rained down. True story.

Isn’t that the awesome? Pleased as punch. It’s got the greatest ring to it.

I’m totally bringing that phrase back into the regular rotation. I’m going to be all, “What? You’re getting married? Well, I’m just pleased as punch for you!” And, “Did you say you got those shoes for 75 percent off?? Well, honey, I’m just pleased as punch for you!!”

Go ahead, test me by telling me some good news. Just wait. Also, if you could grab that laundry basket, that’d be awesome. Thanks.

Also, you should know that my roommate and her boyfriend made the awesomest veggie spaghetti!! It had soy meat, and sauce and there was salad and garlic bread and a pre-meal prayer. And her boy calls it family time when we all hang out.

I’m thinking it’s something that could land in our regular rotation.

How to make a bad week worse

Published: October 16, 2010 / Updated: October 16, 2010 Crystal god, humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

I bounced my tithe check.

There. I said it. It’s out there. I’m a horrible human being.

I can’t even clear a check to God.

What is WRONG with me?

To make a short story long, it all started when my car decided to puke all over my life and then fart in my face, and so I had to give a mechanic $450. This was all right though because I had $551 in my bank account — $50 of that was for my tithe check, and the other $51 was to live on.

I was flying high have myself a Big and Rich time with all my spare change, but then, I got stupid. I decided to use some of my $51 to put gas in the loner car I had from the mechanic and to eat.

And then, after a series of events involving a hose, steering fluid, and a lack of parts in the warehouse, my mechanic said he was going to be done with my car on Tuesday, but then he couldn’t finish till Wednesday.

And, he tried to be nice and give me a rental car, which he assured me would not cost me a thing. Except the rental car place made me give them a $50 deposit (the amount of my tithe check). They told me it would be put into my account as fast as it was taken out, and seeing as how they took it out in like 3 seconds, I went with it.

Dumb. Idea.

So then, of course it took like 2.5 days for the $50 to go back into my account and in that 2.5 days my tithe check went through. Of course.

OF. COURSE.

And I thought for about four minutes that the bank was going to be nice and pay it and just charge me $32 for the mishap. But no, no. My credit isn’t good enough to earn services like that. So instead, the bank just sent the check back to the church and decided that for its trouble it should charge me $32 anyway.

And now, I have to explain to my pastor at the church where I work that I really am a decent human being and I don’t suck at life and that I will now be giving all of my future donations in cash.

On the upside, I’m pretty sure one of the Bible’s big themes is forgiveness.