humor – Page 62 – The only certainty is bad grammar

the night i met beautiful people

Published: April 21, 2009 / Updated: April 21, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

yes. after i fell at work saturday (see below) i did eventually make my way to the bar (note to boss: don’t fret, i totally drank straight pepsi until 12:01 a.m. fully aware of my on-call status).

i was meeting up with a friend last seen in my undergrad days at Western Illinois University (GO LEATHERNECKS!). which used be a short period of time, but gets longer every year. frick, it’s been like what? nearly four trips around the stupid sun. hot d*mn does time fly.

anywho, so i met up with this friend, whom prior to saturday night, had only communicated with me via gChat since 2005, and his girlfriend. and they were cool and normal and whatnot.

but holy hot people, the girls at our table were good looking. seriously. when the blonde walked in, i kind of thought someone had finally made my holiday barbie into a real-life person. i am not exaggerating one bit. and all of them were wearing diamonds on their left hand that i had previously assumed only existed as costume jewelry.

i spent an unhealthy amount of my time picturing what their lives must be like. with their perfect purses, their inability to take bad photos, and their year-long tans.

i could not look away.

i mean, it’s not like i was attracted to them. obviously.

no. this was different. this was me wondering what life must be like for these people, who i’ll never be friends with. and also, the odd feeling of seeing such beautiful people up close. i realized about 10 minutes in that these were the girls who ruled their respective high school dance squads, and homecoming courts and best dressed lists. THIS is what they turned out like 8 years after high school. they still had perfect lives, at least from the view i had.

i wish i had something profound to end on here. something about how, now that im older i’ve realized that looks don’t matter. or how im happy with my own life.

but instead i have a confession. a boy once asked me what i would change about the my life’s circumstances if i could choose something to alter.

“well, i wish i prettier.” i said.

still do.

my only solace is that, i would guess the girls i met Saturday night would probably give the same answer.

some thoughts on aplusk, journalism and internet explorer

Published: April 19, 2009 / Updated: April 19, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, long

what does it say about me that I didn’t understand ashton kutcher’s twitter name until cnn told me what it meant this week?

for those of you living in facebook-land going around telling everyone why you never, ever want to join twitter, yes, ashton kutcher is on twitter. and yes, it is really him. (note to mom: he’s the one who plays kelso on That 70s Show). and this week he was in a race with one of cnn’s twitters to reach one million followers first. and he won.

and even though they lost, cnn covered the crap out of it. they even aired an awkward conversation between ashton and larry king, in which larry king asked ashton if he was the new king of twitter and ashton got all upset and annoyed that lary king was missing the whole point because there are no KINGS of twitter. everyone is equal there. and i kind of think larry king just likes the sound of his own name, and likes to use it in creative ways and had no idea that he would offend ashton with the comment.

so ya. ashton’s twitter name is aplusk, which I’ve been going around pronouncing literally. all “ap-lus-ka.” as in: “hey, roommate, do you follow ap-lus-ka?” or “oh, look ap-lus-ka just tweeted.”

but that was wrong.

it’s actually a plus k. as in his first initial “plus” his last initial. ha. he’s a clever one.

anyway, now that that’s settled, let’s talk about how i fell yesterday.

i got off work at about 10 p.m. and rushed out to my car to transform my work clothes into a passable bar outfit in the parking lot. and while in midst of taking off my black keds, and putting on my candies heels, an editor came out to alert me of a possible accident nearby. FRICKING FRICK! i yelled. why doesn’t God ever want me to have fun?!

then, i rushed to throw on two shoes and run back into the office, only i accidentally put on one black heel and one brown. and they were two different heights.

i was managing just fine though, until of them caught the back of my pant leg.

then, splat.

seriously. face first into the tile floor hallway that runs past the bathrooms.

and my purse, keys and blackberry went flying.

that hurt. it hurt like someone had just taken a slap of cement and slammed it against my knees. which, now that i think about it, is kind of what happened.

and my editor was so consumed with deadline and walking so far ahead of me that he barely noticed. so i took off my shoes, picked up my crap and walked limped barefoot over to my desk so i could get to work.

im pretty sure there’s a metaphor about journalism in there somewhere. but i’ll let you come up with that.

because now we need to talk about why nobody should be using internet explorer.

really? REALLY?! you’re still using that web browser? really?

you need to upgrade to firefox right this second. click here. and then click download. and within minutes your internet experience will suddenly be more awesomer. for free.

true story.

although i’ve never been fan of the browser, my discontent with it was magnified last week when it decided it hated my blog. and it took me a solid seven days to figure that it was a bad html code in one of my posts.

EVERY OTHER BROWSER was fine. FINE!

what the crap?

that’s insane. so it has become my new life goal to convince everyone that internet explorer needs to die. right now.

this was step one. feel free to stay tuned for steps 2 through 9. and if anyone knows where i can get a zebra, let me know.

my super-awesome vegan chocolate chip cookies

Published: April 14, 2009 / Updated: April 14, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, vegan

ya. ya. i KNOW. i say “vegan chocolate chip cookies” and what you hear is “tofu mixed with soy and other icky crap,” but i swear on my roommate’s dog’s life that these things are amazing.

I made them for work on election night and even AFTER i told everyone they were vegan, they still beat out the other chocolate chip cookies (which were NOT vegan). true story. sorry [person who made them], but they did. and my understanding is that you’ve come to terms with it, and well, vegan cookies need all the help they can get, and I believe throwing in that piece of information will help my cause. umm, i mean. whatever. it wasn’t a competition or anything. it’s all good.

anyway. now, to the point.

so basically, I just ripped off the recipe from the back of the Ghiraradelli semi-sweet chocolate chip bag, and then tweaked it to make it vegan and added a cool ingredient to make it awesome. beware, i do add sugar even though some vegans are anti-sugar. I haven’t gotten there yet. however, if you are one of those vegans, feel free to add whichever sugar substitute you’re comfortable with.

all right, without further ado:

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour (I personally used whole wheat flour, and nobody could even tell)
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup coconut oil, softened (this is what I used to replace the 1 cup of butter called for in the recipe).
1 cup sugar
1 cup light brown sugar, packed (I actually used dark brown for mine because the Wal-Mart was out of light).
2 tsp vanilla extract (feel free to use the fake stuff).
1/2 cup of smashed bananas. the fresher the bananas the less their flavor will come through in the cookies. (this replaces the 2 eggs called for in the recipe).
2 cups Ghirardelli Semi-sweet chocolate chips (they have to be semi-sweet, because they don’t contain milk. and even some semi-sweet chips do, so make sure to read the back of the bag).
3/4 cup shredded coconut (something I added simply because I’m on a mission to incorporate coconut into more foods. it should be noted that many of the cookie eaters told me they really enjoyed the coconut).

preheat oven to 375 F. In a small bowl, stir the flour, baking soda and salt. Set aside. Then, in a larger bowl, mix coconut oil, sugar, and brown sugar until creamy. Add vanilla and smashed bananas slowly, mixing on low until incorporated. Then, gradually blend in the dry mixture. Next, stir in chocolate chips and coconut shreds. Drop by the tablespoon onto cookie sheet (the recipe calls for ungreased, but i sprayed mine with a canola oil cooking spray). Bake for about 8 minutes. When you take them out of the oven, place the cookie sheets on the warm stove, as they will continue to cook for a about half hour to get firm. If you leave them in the oven until they are firm, they will burn.

Then enjoy.

And remember, these cookies are so freaking good that even NON-vegans will freaking love them. true story.