humor – Page 8 – The only certainty is bad grammar

January sucks. Also February.

Published: January 14, 2012 / Updated: January 14, 2012 Crystal god, humor, sh*tty things that happen to me

For the past week or so I’ve basically felt like someone hit me in the back of the head with a frying pan, and the blow somehow caused extreme stress to vibrate through my body.

You know things are rough when I start talking about dying my hair brown. It’s never a good sign.

Basically, I’m living on like $3 a day, which isn’t really enough because gas cost $3 a drop and I have to drive 400 miles uphill each way to work everyday and I therefore use a crapton of gas.

Also, my brother recently moved in with me. I love him fiercely, and he actually went to work at his brand spanking new job last night so that’s very exciting, but living with your brother in a one bedroom is hard and trying to help him get on his feet while you live on $3 a day is harder.

And the rest of my family isn’t exactly rolling in the dough these days, so my typical support system is about as strong as a wet noodle. And really, it’s a situation, where I wish I could give them money. But I can’t. And it sucks. (See: $3, day).

Oh, and just to make sure I hit all the crazy stress bases, my dad is umm, well, he’s dating this woman and well, let’s just say I recently used the B word. To describe her. To her. And it was preceded by the F word. In my defense, she deserved it. But ya, there’s some tension there.

Also, I hate that it’s always cold and dark outside. I just hate it. Somehow financial problems and family problems and exhaustion problems seem so much less daunting when it stays light out until 9 p.m. and you can go swimming in the sunshine anytime you want.

In conclusion, all of this has added up to me being in a stress comma pretty much non-stop lately. I can’t concentrate, I can’t see the light at the end off these tunnels and I wake up at 4 a.m. every night out of panic. You know, the usual.

I’m not going to sugar-coat it, I’ve been kind of pissed at God about all this. I keep praying to Him about things and reading scripture and praying, but dude, what the heck? This is all a little much. I need some help down here. Like now.

And yes, I do know that good youth leaders aren’t supposed to go around using the word “pissed.” But it’s the only word I can think that conveys how incredibly angry and frustrated I am.

I’m sure all these things are happening for a reason, and I’m sure that he’s helping me out in more ways that I can see, but life is a really intense struggle right now and I’m not myself and I’m reaching my breaking point more often that I want to and so ya, I’m a little pissed that the world around me seems to be falling apart, God.

The good news is that my homework for my Disciple 1 Bible study class this week is Job. Something tells me there will be some insight in there.

And if I can just keep getting through each day in one piece, well, then that will be one more day under my belt then I had before and one more day in front me courtesy of God. That’s all anyone can ask for I guess.

And from what I understand this whole winter thing ends every single year, and there’s no reason that this year will be any different. Spring 2012, here I come.

New Year’s Eve, resolutions, etc.

Published: December 31, 2011 / Updated: December 31, 2011 Crystal god, humor, im cool, medium

I kind of hate New Year’s Eve. Way too much pressure to be awesome on the holiday.

Last year, for example, was pretty hellacious and also horribly cold.

I was totally in love with this one guy, but because the New Year’s Eve fates hate me, I couldn’t hang out with him. And I wasn’t about to sit at home wishing all night that I was with him, so instead I went out with one of my (amazing and awesome and loving) friends to a random ~~bar~~ club in Palatine.

And while I was there, I met a kind-of hot random dude, whom I properly kissed at mid-night just show that I could, and I thought everything was a success. Except, well, the New Year’s Eve fates hate me.

See, we had planned to grab a Metra Train to get home, except the stupid Metra train never came. Ever. Seriously. We didn’t miss it. It never came. I promise you that.

We kept hoping it would come down the rails though, so we waited in like -80 degree weather for an eternity. If I don’t get into to heaven, I promise you that right there will be my hell, expect it will also somehow include me covering a school board meeting that never ends. Anyway, I finally realized we were waiting for a train that was not coming, and I grabbed my friend, called another (amazing and awesome and loving) friend who lived nearby, hopped in a cab and the two of us ended up sleeping on her love seat while I called the guy I was actually in love with.

I vowed that night that sitting at home wishing I was with the guy I was in love with would always win out over going to a random club. Always.

And so, alas, it looks like that’s what I’ll be doing this year. I’m trying to justify it by telling everyone I have to be up über early for church, and seeing as how I’m on staff and stuff, it’s not like I can just skip like all the heathens do. (Note to people who don’t get me: I don’t actually think people who skip church are heathens. Not all of them anyway).

But really, I wish I had awesome plans this year. I wish I was going to hang out with a guy I’m in love with, and kiss him at mid-night and then live happily ever after. Instead, I’ll probably just sit at home, and maybe stay up late enough to watch the New York countdown on TV. And then I’ll say some prayers and go to sleep. I’m so cool.

Of course, all this doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun resolutions, like everyone else does. I admit that I don’t feel any real sense of commitment to New Year’s resolutions, because I much prefer changing my life for the better during Lent (when it’s for God), or at my birthday (when it’s actually the start of a new year in my life).

But I’m not going to let silly logic get in the way here. So, behold, my New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Give Up McDonald’s. OK, look, I KNOW that basically all the food there is made of lard and salt, but it’s the closest restaurant to my office and the coke has the addictive equivalent of Vicodin in it, so I have a hard time avoiding the place. This year, though, I want to just stop going there all together. Not even for a Cesar salad.

2. Stop judging my life based on other people’s Facebook posts. The problem with Facebook is that everyone’s life looks super freaking awesome all the time on there, because people don’t ever go around posting photos of themselves when they look fat, or when their boyfriend breaks up with them or when they lose their job. And I know that I have a habit of looking at how happy everyone else seems and then believing that my lame life sucks by comparison. I’ve thought about just completely giving up Facebook all together, but I really seriously do need it for my youth director duties and stuff, so instead, I’m just going to try harder to understand that Facebook profiles do not represent real life.

3. Stop buying things I don’t need. I do this too much. (See: Spray tans, pedicures, fast food, random crap from Target, $17 Clinique lip gloss, etc.) I need to stop doing this. I’m going to try harder to do better with this next year.

4. Get regular oil changes. You would think the fact that my car literally yells at me every time I need an oil change would be enough to get me to do this, but alas, I can’t get past the mindset that oil changes are really just a suggestion. I hope to be better about this next year.

5. Visit my dad. I actually don’t remember the last time I saw my dad in person. He lives like 2.5 hours away, and I just haven’t had the time and/or money to go down and visit him lately. I feel bad about that. I’m sorry for it. And I really do hope to see him soon.

Now excuse me while I go buy a bottle of sparkling grape juice and play Words with Friends while I countdown to 2012 — the year the world will most likely, probably end. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My friend Stephanie

Published: December 9, 2011 / Updated: December 9, 2011 Crystal feminism?, humor

I got to chat last night with my friend Stephanie for about 8 minutes and all at once I remembered how much I miss the heck out of her.

She’s in the far off land of Springfield, Ill. raising the cutest baby girl west of everywhere, and loving her husband and working and whatnot. And I’m here in Chicagoland balancing two jobs, and trying not to eat too many french fires.

And because of those things, we hardly ever get to talk anymore.

The two of met in grad school, and bonded over our mutual love of blonde highlights. We clicked incredibly well for two people trying to find friends in an insanely competitive group of journalists.

And that friendship was solidified like the marble steps in the capital building once we started our Wednesday night dinners. It was a tradition that began as a response to the depressing Illinois winter and the exhaustion we endured from chasing around Gov. Blagojevich. At the time, I was on a diet, so it was the only day of the week I let myself drink soda. (Sweet, sweet soda, how I love thee).

Anyway, I always (always) wanted to go to Olive Garden, but sometimes I’d let her choose the place. Wherever we ended up, the evening turned into a magical night of friendship.

I miss those Wednesday night dinners with all my blonde soul.

Lucky for me, we’ve been able to stay in pretty good touch over the years (wow, years. with an s. crazy). And I could tell from our 8 minutes of amiga bliss last night that we’ll continue to be friends for a long time.

My favorite part was that after she said she still keeps up with me on Facebook and my blog, she asked what only true friends can — tell about all the stuff you don’t post on the Internet. And I spewed out as much as I could before we had to say good-bye.

And, I’m making a promise to myself now that I will see her and her beautiful daughter in person soon. Because good friends like Stephanie are hard too find, and when you meet one, you have to hang on for dear life.