New Year’s Eve, resolutions, etc.

Published: December 31, 2011 / Updated: December 31, 2011 Crystal god, humor, im cool, medium

I kind of hate New Year’s Eve. Way too much pressure to be awesome on the holiday.

Last year, for example, was pretty hellacious and also horribly cold.

I was totally in love with this one guy, but because the New Year’s Eve fates hate me, I couldn’t hang out with him. And I wasn’t about to sit at home wishing all night that I was with him, so instead I went out with one of my (amazing and awesome and loving) friends to a random bar club in Palatine.

And while I was there, I met a kind-of hot random dude, whom I properly kissed at mid-night just show that I could, and I thought everything was a success. Except, well, the New Year’s Eve fates hate me.

See, we had planned to grab a Metra Train to get home, except the stupid Metra train never came. Ever. Seriously. We didn’t miss it. It never came. I promise you that.

We kept hoping it would come down the rails though, so we waited in like -80 degree weather for an eternity. If I don’t get into to heaven, I promise you that right there will be my hell, expect it will also somehow include me covering a school board meeting that never ends. Anyway, I finally realized we were waiting for a train that was not coming, and I grabbed my friend, called another (amazing and awesome and loving) friend who lived nearby, hopped in a cab and the two of us ended up sleeping on her love seat while I called the guy I was actually in love with.

I vowed that night that sitting at home wishing I was with the guy I was in love with would always win out over going to a random club. Always.

And so, alas, it looks like that’s what I’ll be doing this year. I’m trying to justify it by telling everyone I have to be up über early for church, and seeing as how I’m on staff and stuff, it’s not like I can just skip like all the heathens do. (Note to people who don’t get me: I don’t actually think people who skip church are heathens. Not all of them anyway).

But really, I wish I had awesome plans this year. I wish I was going to hang out with a guy I’m in love with, and kiss him at mid-night and then live happily ever after. Instead, I’ll probably just sit at home, and maybe stay up late enough to watch the New York countdown on TV. And then I’ll say some prayers and go to sleep. I’m so cool.

Of course, all this doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun resolutions, like everyone else does. I admit that I don’t feel any real sense of commitment to New Year’s resolutions, because I much prefer changing my life for the better during Lent (when it’s for God), or at my birthday (when it’s actually the start of a new year in my life).

But I’m not going to let silly logic get in the way here. So, behold, my New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Give Up McDonald’s. OK, look, I KNOW that basically all the food there is made of lard and salt, but it’s the closest restaurant to my office and the coke has the addictive equivalent of Vicodin in it, so I have a hard time avoiding the place. This year, though, I want to just stop going there all together. Not even for a Cesar salad.

2. Stop judging my life based on other people’s Facebook posts. The problem with Facebook is that everyone’s life looks super freaking awesome all the time on there, because people don’t ever go around posting photos of themselves when they look fat, or when their boyfriend breaks up with them or when they lose their job. And I know that I have a habit of looking at how happy everyone else seems and then believing that my lame life sucks by comparison. I’ve thought about just completely giving up Facebook all together, but I really seriously do need it for my youth director duties and stuff, so instead, I’m just going to try harder to understand that Facebook profiles do not represent real life.

3. Stop buying things I don’t need. I do this too much. (See: Spray tans, pedicures, fast food, random crap from Target, $17 Clinique lip gloss, etc.) I need to stop doing this. I’m going to try harder to do better with this next year.

4. Get regular oil changes. You would think the fact that my car literally yells at me every time I need an oil change would be enough to get me to do this, but alas, I can’t get past the mindset that oil changes are really just a suggestion. I hope to be better about this next year.

5. Visit my dad. I actually don’t remember the last time I saw my dad in person. He lives like 2.5 hours away, and I just haven’t had the time and/or money to go down and visit him lately. I feel bad about that. I’m sorry for it. And I really do hope to see him soon.

Now excuse me while I go buy a bottle of sparkling grape juice and play Words with Friends while I countdown to 2012 — the year the world will most likely, probably end. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Car talk

July 7, 2011 Crystal medium, money

Fine, I need a new car. Anyone want to buy me one?

On Sunday I was just church-ing along and whatnot and I got in my little emerald green two-door vehicle I lovingly refer to as Penelope with my sister and we attempted to set off for Taco Bell.

Except, you know, it wouldn’t go from park to reverse, or park to drive, or park to neutral or park to anything.

I’m not going to lie, it’s happened before. Once or twice or 20 times, but each time I just said a prayer and wiggled things and banged others and BAM it would shift.

This time, not so much.  (I can only assume it finally decided to take out its anger at me for not ever getting oil changes).

Anyway, so before I started crying or whatever, I called some church people over to help, but nobody seemed to be able to make the stupid thing shift out of park. So, then one of my church friends started reading through the owner’s manual and he figured out some way to override the shifting thingy but sticking a screw driver into a random hole next to the park thingy.

We didn’t have a screw driver though, so we settled on testing out various nails, and then viola! a thick silver one did the trick.

And then, you know, two seconds later the stupid handle on the shifting thingy popped off and my car was all, NO!! SERIOUSLY!!! I AM MAD AND I’M NOT GOING TO WORK!! LOSER!!!

I cried a ton on the inside and a little on the outside. We all gathered together though and calmed Penelope down by slipping the handle back on just so. And sure, it randomly turns around while I go down the street, but the point is that I CAN go down the street. (For now).

And I know for a true fact that this whole time you are shouting at the computer, “CRYSTAL, IT IS TIME TO BUY A NEW CAR!! AND ISN’T YOUR MIRROR FALLING OFF?? SERIOUSLY. GO. NOW. BUY. NEW. CAR!!”

But for serious, I don’t have any money. See, I live in my own place and whatnot and I have student loans that I like to pay most months and well, you know, food is important and so all that doesn’t leave any money left over. Plus, my credit score is lower than well, everyone’s, so there’s that.

So for now, I’m just going to start my car while simultaneously sticking a random nail in a random slot and pray that it doesn’t break down on the highway or while I make a left turn onto Rt. 59. Sounds like a solid plan if I ever heard one. Right Penelope. Penelope? You there? Hello? Crap.

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On fasting slowly

Published: March 2, 2011 / Updated: March 4, 2011 Crystal god, humor, medium

I recently fasted for 24 hours in an effort to bring attention to world hunger. I had never fasted before, and I’m not going to lie, it kind of sucked was really hard. Below are my thoughts in real time. Ish. Also, if you would like to donate to the cause, see here.

FRIDAY
8:30 a.m.
Haven’t eaten yet. Feeling really hungry. Last ate about 8 p.m. the night before. Had originally thought the fast would start at 6 p.m. tonight, and I’m trying to decide if I can do the whole 30 hours.
9 a.m.
I start searching for co-workers to justify me eating. I find one! She says she’s Jewish and she has fasted for Yom Kimpor. She said the whole point is to make me think, which, you know, makes me think. I tell her I want to do noon to noon. She says, that would still be a long time and I jump at the rationalization.
9:30 a.m.
I decide officially to do noon to noon. I eat some oatmeal and Craisins, plan to eat McDonald’s for lunch and then nothing else until noon tomorrow.
10:20 a.m.
I’m already hungry again after the oatmeal. I suck at this.
10:41 a.m.
Food is so tricky for me. I have so many eating issues. (see: weight, loss). I have to really think about my reasons for eating all the time. It’s so weird to me that my issue is over eating, when others are having trouble finding food. It’s cliche and I hate it.
11:43 a.m.
Just finished my McDonald’s. Time to start fasting. (I’m scared). (Wait, does soda count?)
12:14 p.m.
Debating whether I should do my usual workout tonight or not. I want to go.
12:35 p.m.
Really happy I decided to eat the McDonald’s. I also prayed for the food to nourish my body and help me get through the next day. It seems to have helped.
2:41 p.m.
I keep forgetting that I’m fasting and then considering reaching for something to munch on, and then remembering that I’m fasting. Really makes me realize how accessible food is for us.
3:04 p.m.
I have left over Chinese food at home and I was just seriously thinking about eating it after work. MUST.RESIST.FOOD!
7 p.m.
So tired and ready to go to sleep. Did not end up working out. Decide to read my Bible and pray. And really, I’ve been praying throughout the whole thing for strength.
10 p.m.
Seriously. I’m a little dizzy. My friend Tom Loewy talks about how fasting in itself makes you hungry. He says, it’s easy to go from noon to noon without food if you’re not thinking about it, but when you make a conscious decision to do it, suddenly you’re hungry 20 minutes in. I agree. Also, there’s toffee on my kitchen table and I really want some.
11:13 p.m.
Thinking a lot about the hierarchy of needs pyramid and how hard it is to do anything when you’re thinking about food. My whole night has mostly been shot because I didn’t work out or do laundry because I was too hungry.
SATURDAY
7 a.m.
I’m really, really hungry. I pray for strength. Seriously start to think about how crazy this is.
8:13 a.m.
Have decided it’s now appropriate to start counting down until noon.
10:27 a.m.
I’m just going to leave my house now and drive to the CiCi’s were I’m meeting up with youth group folk to break the fast. Maybe if I get there early, the fast will end early.
11 a.m.
Ok. I’m literally an hour early. Also, hungry. So close.
Noon.
Huzzah! The fast is broken. My first bite is a brownie. Best. Brownie. Ever. Thinking maybe I will never do this again. Unless it’s like driving long distances, in that you forget how much you hated it each summer and do it again. Either that, or next time I’ll just give up Facebook.

FRIDAY

8:30 a.m.

Haven’t eaten yet. Feeling really hungry. Last ate about 8 p.m. the night before. Had originally thought the fast would start at 6 p.m. tonight, and I’m trying to decide if I can do the whole 30 hours.

9 a.m.

I start searching for co-workers to justify me eating. I find one! She says she’s Jewish and she has fasted for Yom Kippur. She said the whole point is to make me think, which, you know, makes me think. I tell her I want to do noon to noon. She says, that would still be a long time and I jump at the rationalization.

9:30 a.m.

I decide officially to do noon to noon. I eat some oatmeal and Craisins, plan to eat McDonald’s for lunch and then nothing else until noon tomorrow.

10:20 a.m.

I’m already hungry again after the oatmeal. I suck at this.

10:41 a.m.

Food is so tricky for me. I have so many eating issues. (see: weight, loss). I have to really think about my reasons for eating all the time. It’s so weird to me that my issue is over eating, when others are having trouble finding food. It’s cliche and I hate it.

11:43 a.m.

Just finished my McDonald’s. Time to start fasting. (I’m scared). (Wait, does soda count?)

12:14 p.m.

Debating whether I should do my usual workout tonight or not. I want to go.

12:35 p.m.

Really happy I decided to eat the McDonald’s. I also prayed for the food to nourish my body and help me get through the next day. It seems to have helped.

2:41 p.m.

I keep forgetting that I’m fasting and then considering reaching for something to munch on, and then remembering that I’m fasting. Really makes me realize how accessible food is for us.

3:04 p.m.

I have left over Chinese food at home and I was just seriously thinking about eating it after work. MUST.RESIST.FOOD!

7 p.m.

So tired and ready to go to sleep. Did not end up working out. Decide to read my Bible and pray. And really, I’ve been praying throughout the whole thing for strength.

10 p.m.

Seriously. I’m a little dizzy. My friend Tom Loewy talks about how fasting in itself makes you hungry. He says, it’s easy to go from noon to noon without food if you’re not thinking about it, but when you make a conscious decision to do it, suddenly you’re hungry 20 minutes in. I agree. Also, there’s toffee on my kitchen table and I really want some.

11:13 p.m.

Thinking a lot about the hierarchy of needs pyramid and how hard it is to do anything when you’re thinking about food. My whole night has mostly been shot because I didn’t work out or do laundry because I was too hungry.

SATURDAY

7 a.m.

I’m really, really hungry. I pray for strength. Seriously start to think about how crazy this is.

8:13 a.m.

Have decided it’s now appropriate to start counting down until noon.

10:27 a.m.

I’m just going to leave my house now and drive to the CiCi’s were I’m meeting up with youth group folk to break the fast. Maybe if I get there early, the fast will end early.

11 a.m.

Ok. I’m literally an hour early. Also, hungry. So close.

Noon.

Huzzah! The fast is broken. My first bite is a brownie. Best. Brownie. Ever. Thinking maybe I will never do this again. Unless it’s like driving long distances, in that you forget how much you hated it each summer and do it again. Either that, or next time I’ll just give up Facebook.

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