medium – Page 31 – The only certainty is bad grammar

now I (want to) lay me down to sleep.

Published: November 13, 2009 / Updated: November 13, 2009 Crystal exercise, humor, medium

Fine. Waking up at 4:30 a.m. so I could go to a 5:15 jazzercise class was totally my fault.

But I’m just cranky enough to not give a crap about semantics like that.

I’m so tired that I’m literally getting angry at my cell phone like it’s a human being with an ability to make me mad on purpose. All “Why do you always go so slow when I need navigation? You KNOW I hate that. I swear to outlets that you do this crap just to annoy me.”

And if we’re being honest here, I slept until noon yesterday. Then, I watched 45 minutes of TNT on TV, met an old friend for lunch (late dinner), watched the Bears game through three interceptions, stopped being a Bears fan until Aug. 2010, and then went back to bed.

I was tried then too.

Blame it on a work schedule that jacks up my sleep patterns like techno music from a gay bar in the late 90s. And my desire to lose 24 more stupid pounds, which really just means not eating and working out like, well techno music from that same gay bar. And me volunteering for things like homeless shelters and youth groups. Neither of those really help the sleep-thing either, if, well, like I said, we’re being honest here.

So, when the stupid boy from the West coast called tonight, someone should have grabbed the phone from my cold, pale fingers and explained that he was, in fact, walking into crazy crystal-land, with a little Friday the 13th on the side.

I mean, he doesn’t call in like 11 months and then expects to be all “hey. what’s up? how are you.”

NOT gonna happen.

Didn’t happen.

Rather, I explained to him that this is not an acceptable way to call up random girls. And that maybe he should evaluate his stupid life and when he’s got his crap together THEN, he should call.

And I got off the phone.

The “I’m so tired I could fall asleep in the check-out line” thing is just semantics though.

He deserved it regardless.

True story.

the pair of jeans that moved me to tears

Published: November 3, 2009 / Updated: November 3, 2009 Crystal daily photo, exercise, humor, im cool, medium

All the not eating, and walking, and not eating, and calf work-outs on the playground equipment, and not eating, and lunges down the trail, and not eating, has finally, finally, FINALLY!!!!! given me a genuine reason to smile.

My skinny jeans slipped right on this morning.

The jeans that have sat on the closet shelf for the last 6 years waiting for me. Waiting in all their skinny jean glory for me to be ready to wear them again. They’ve tagged along from apartment, to apartment, to best friend’s condo, to current co-worker’s townhome – all the while patiently sure that I would one-day slip them all the way up again.

They always had faith in me, even when I lost faith in myself.

They knew.

When I think about it all, I really do tear up.

There’s just something about a pair of jeans that can do that to a girl I guess.

jeans 1

It’s kind of hard to take a full-body picture of yourself with a cell phone, but I promise these are my legs. You can tell, because I’m the only person alive who considers 2002-jeans with fake-wear marks across the thighs cool anymore. (sorry about the messy bed).

soon to be hpv-immune / gardasil shots hurt

Published: October 31, 2009 / Updated: October 31, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

Got the second of three Gardasil shots yesterday to fend off the ol’ HPV.

A nurse wearing an awkward bumblebee costume that could have doubled has a way to hide a pregnancy administered it into my left arm.

There’s a burn after the poke that feels like a fire ant crawled under the top layer of skin, had little fire-ant babies and then let them spread throughout your arm.

“WOW. That, umm, hurts,” I told the nurse, trying to hide the tears I felt inside.

“It typically does with the Gardasil,” she said like an evil bumblebee.

I knew that. I’d already had one shot. But holy needle did it still hurt.

And last time my arm was sore for three weeks. Like can’t-even-carry-my-purse-on-that-shoulder sore. Or why-does-holding-the-steering-wheel-have-to-be-SO-painful sore.

I’m told that’s normal, which I interrupt to mean “Your arm will now, again, be sore for three weeks.”

All this so I won’t get HPV.

I’m not even entirely sure what HPV is or why I should fear it.

Not to mention that the process requires a six-month commitment to getting the doses, and the longest commitment I’ve made, ever, was to the season pass at Great America and that was only five months from date of purchase to close of park.

I have this irrational fear that when it’s time for the final shot, I will find myself someplace remote with either multiple rainforests or multiple trailer parks and no nurses or health insurance in sight and then somehow the first two doses no longer will be effective because I won’t get the final dose in time!

Also, I have a newfound irrational fear of bumblebees.