How are you?

Everyone is always asking me, “How are you?”

And not like in the, “How are you doing today on the glorious sunny Saturday afternoon” sort of way, but more of the, “How are you feeling because you’re always posting on Facebook that you’re in pain and stuff?” sort of way.

And if they ask me in person, they always have this weird look in their eye, like they’re confused by the fact that I don’t really look sick.

Well, I feel like I’m dying pretty much all the time, that’s how I’m doing.

I feel like hell.

I wake everyday feeling like a butcher knife is in my right ribs. And the pain is so horrible that it literally wakes me up in the middle of the night, like a demon that has entered my body.

It’s awful.

I feel like sh*t.

And that’s usually what I tell people.

“I fell like hell.”

When the pain pills are working, my answer shifts to, “I’m doing alright, but it’s only because of the hydrocodone.”

I think that response kind of embaresses my boyfriend though. He’s always hushing me. Telling me to stop telling everyone I’m on drugs.

I feel like it’s important to note that though. I feel like people should understand that the only reason I’m currently able to stand upright and have a conversation with them is because I’m on a constant stream of opioids.

Lest they think I’m cured. Or they think I’m not that sick.

Or I don’t know.

I guess it doesn’t really matter what they think.

But I feel the need to tell people. To put it out there: I’m in pain. All the time. And if I’m not, it’s only because I’m on drugs.

I suppose maybe it makes people uncomfortable when I respond that way.

But maybe, one day, someone will say, “How are you?” and I will finally be able to smile and say, “Good.”

And when I say it, I will be able to mean it. And they will know I mean it.

Because I wouldn’t say “Good” if it wasn’t true.

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Comments (2)

  1. TimurZ

    Very well written and direct. I am also speak similarly, where I feel the need to explain why or it seems I am questioned the next time I am coupled over.

    “But you were ok yesterday?”

    That is the most frustrating thing. Most will never understand. Even your boyfriend, being as empathic as he attempts to be, may never truly “get it”. If someone cares enough they will look into it further and read your blog or spoons; But most we cross paths with will continue to look at us like freaks of nature out of nothing more than ignorance.

    I was one of those people before my disability. I had someone in my family who suffered and I never figured out how to speak to her, precisely because she spoke as we do now.

    I am not sure what the answer is, but if you got me to comment this much, you definitely hit a chord. Great work
    Love, equanimity, peace.
    TimurZ

    Reply
  2. Bohdan

    Umm, excuse me, Miz Crystal. Seems like I’ve stumbled rather haphazardly into your force field in the most roundabout fashion. Having charted the price of cocoa futures, I see a bullish ‘Andrew’s Pitchfork’ pattern together with an alarming compression of the Bollinger bands on the deep scale. What this portends is a price explosion upwards, whose eventual heights will probably best be seen from outer space. In doing an exhaustive literature survey of cocoa related mish mash, lo and behold, I witness the engaging writings of Lady Candy herself. Oh, pardon me, do you have any friends that are cats? Your Cheshire grin is so spellbinding as to conjure up feline fantasies. I enjoy cat company and your smile is just so purrfect. Back to biz… Currently invested in 30 tons cocoa beans and 150 tons sugar, wondering if you would know why price might rise as dramatically as the charts foretell? My Dear, I so so much would love to take your pain from you and keep it for myself awhile so that you could frolic about unencumbered, pirouetting about as 30 year cats do. And I’d keep that pain away from you, all to myself for say, a decade or so. Is that OK with you? Before I go, might I inquire if you have tried hypnosis? It is said that our subconscious rules and the conscious merely follows. I live on a farm here in Rome, New York. Thank you immensely for the soothing insight that shines from your printed thought. Good night to You!
    theBo

    Reply

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