how to fix the world: in 10 easy steps

so in the spirit of being mad at Life, i’ve decided to write a list of all the things i plan to change when i rule the world:

(in no particular order) I WILL: change THIS:

Ledbetter worked for almost 20 years as a supervisor in an Alabama tire plant. During that time, she was paid far less than her male colleagues—a fact she was blissfully unaware of until someone slipped her a note showing the discrepancy. Stunned, she took the company to court, where a jury awarded her over $3 million in damages. She hasn’t seen a penny. Why? Because the Supreme Court decided, on appeal, that Ledbetter had missed the 180-day statute of limitations on making her complaint—and that the clock started ticking the day she was hired.

Got that? So if you don’t make a formal complaint of discriminatory pay within six months of the time your pay was decided, you don’t have a case.

Umm, wtf?? that makes me so mad. and as a young professional woman, im here to tell you that sexism is still quite alive and well in america’s workplace. Today is actually the six-month (180-day) anniverisary of when i started my current job. I haven’t sued the company, but that’s due mostly to the fact that we are told not to discuss our pay, so i have NO IDEA if my male colleagues are making tons more than I am for doing the same job.

no. freaking. idea.

2. eliminate the current health insurance system in the United States. Heck, since I’m ruling the WHOLE WORLD, I’ll just change everything. I’ll make is so people NEVER have to deal with an insurance company again. FREE MEDICINE FOR EVERYONE (paid for by number 3 on the list).

3. eliminate all military. saves lives AND money. enough said.

4. make it the law that EVERY restaurant (including McDonald’s) had to offer at least TWO vegan options. If someone owns a restaurant and doesn’t follow this law, i will require them to become vegan. ha.

5. make college free for everyone. everywhere. seriously. and i would back-instate this law so that anyone with college loans would not have to pay them off. (this also would be paid for by number 3).

6. live next door to Johnny Depp. (hey, I have to get at least ONE super cool thing out of this.) It’s not like i would force him to like marry me or anything. i just want the comfort of knowing that if i say, just happen, to need a cup of sugar, i could casually walk over to his house and borrow it.

7. make high fructose corn syrup illegal:

Avoid foods containing high-fructose corn syrup (HFCS). It’s not just in cereals and soft drinks but also in ketchup and bologna, baked goods, soups and salad dressings. Though HFCS was not part of the human diet until 1975, each of us now consumes more than 40 lbs. a year, some 200 calories a day. Is HFCS any worse for you than sugar? Probably not, but by avoiding it you’ll avoid thousands of empty calories and perhaps even more important, cut out highly processed foods—the ones that contain the most sugar, fat and salt. Besides, what chef uses high-fructose corn syrup? Not one. It’s found only in the pantry of the food scientist, and that’s not who you want cooking your meals.

To be honest, I’m under the impression that HFCS is actually MUCH WORSE for you than this article implies. but I wanted to quote a trusted source. and who doesn’t trust TIME? that’s right. nobody.

8. and while i’m at it, i will do the same with ethanol:

Several new studies show the biofuel boom is doing exactly the opposite of what its proponents intended: it’s dramatically accelerating global warming, imperiling the planet in the name of saving it. Corn ethanol, always environmentally suspect, turns out to be environmentally disastrous.

Meanwhile, by diverting grain and oilseed crops from dinner plates to fuel tanks, biofuels are jacking up world food prices and endangering the hungry. The grain it takes to fill an SUV tank with ethanol could feed a person for a year. Harvests are being plucked to fuel our cars instead of ourselves.

Biofuels do slightly reduce dependence on imported oil, and the ethanol boom has created rural jobs while enriching some farmers and agribusinesses. But the basic problem with most biofuels is amazingly simple, given that researchers have ignored it until now: using land to grow fuel leads to the destruction of forests, wetlands and grasslands that store enormous amounts of carbon.

9. force every company to offer one paid hour per day, per employee for exercise. it could be for basketball, or treadmills or yoga. but it will be required. going along these lines i also will make physical activity a daily requirement for all elementary, middle school and high school students.

10. finally, i will get rid of the arcane rule that all great lists have a round number of steps. (like 10, or 15 or 50). However, since i do not yet rule the world, i am still going to follow this rule.

There you have it. 10 ways to fix the world. give me call if you want me to be a consultant. i think i could be really good at it.


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  1. Man, I’ve been saying that about ethanol for years! What a scam! It might be the biggest scam of our era, in terms of the expended resources and political capital — bigger than Saddam Hussein’s “oil for food” swindle that cost the U.N. billions of dollars. It just shows politicians’ willingness to pander beyond the point of logic: candidates say they support ethanol to be popular among Iowa caucus-goers — this is why McCain lost there earlier this year, because he’s not an ethanol cultist — and they have to maintain that pro-ethanol stance for the rest of their careers, ultimately driving up food prices, not saving any energy and starving millions of people around the world. All so fucking Americans can drive their enormous sport-utility vehicles! It’s obscene!

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