A shattered heart

I’m not ready for anyone else yet. I don’t want a rebound.

And honestly, it’s because sometimes the only way I can get through the day is to pretend that maybe, somehow there’s a .05 percent chance that we could get back together.

I cling to that .05 percent. Sometimes I have to just so I can keep breathing.

My roommate/best friend/personal life guard took me out Saturday night. It was supposed to be one of those nights where we clink glasses together and  proclaim in loud voices that I’m obviously better off without him. One of those nights where guys hit on me and I get my footing back.

But it wasn’t. It couldn’t be. Not yet.

About an hour before we were planning to leave, she went into the bathroom and I went into the bedroom and then, well, I lost it. Because I miss him. And I wanted to spend my Saturday night with him. And because it still hurts.

She came out of the bathroom though and propped me up enough to get ready. And eventually, she, me and another girl made our way to downtown Naperville decked out in heels and flashy costume jewelry.

It took every ounce of strength in my body to make it as long as I did, which wasn’t very long. By about 12:30 I had nothing left, and I turned to my roommate and with tears in my eyes I said, ‘Please. I want to go home.’

And because she is my roommate/best friend/personal life guard she took me home. And then I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

Sunday was better though. Sunday was church and I got to absorb the strength of fellowship. On Sunday, I felt a little bit more ok. Not a lot bit, but a significant bit nonetheless. Enough that I could finally fall asleep without crying.

A couple more days like that and I might just make it through this thing alive. And a couple more after that and maybe I’ll finally be ready for someone else.

For now though, my heart is too shattered to give away again.

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  1. I am so sorry!

    I just broke up with my boyfriend (and things are still very complicated) – but I know how completely awful it is. I know that it really does hurt. Physically. The pain in my chest and stomach. I haven’t eaten much nor slept.

    Like you said, I wake up and think of him. Check my phone to see if he’s texted. All that.

    Would you like to chat sometime? Maybe we need each other at this point ;0(.

  2. If I was trying to be funny and cheer you up, I’d say that your first problem with that night on the town was Naperville.

    I’m too smart to resort to such tomfoolery, though. Nevertheless we should hang out. Email me or text me and I’ll make it happen.

  3. Oh, I PROMISE this will go away one day. I PROMISE, PROMISE. One day you’ll be able to let go of that .05 percent, and when that happens, it’ll feel amazing. It’s OK to be sad. Hang in there.

  4. I’m truly sorry about the breakup! Just keep looking on the bright side and know that you still have friends and family that love and care for you soo much!
    I hope you feel better soon!

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