The only certainty is bad grammar – Page 156 – Too personal for the internet.

The Crystal Lake ER not as cool as the one on the show “ER”

October 6, 2008 Crystal humor, sh*tty things that happen to me

So as you may have read below I’ve been crazy stressed out lately. And it all came to a head Sunday night (early Monday morning).

There I was watching Desperate Housewives when I started feeling a pain in my stomach. And I thought ‘hmmm, maybe my bra is too tight’ so I took it off.

But that didn’t really help.

And then the pain kept getting worse. And i was thinking, ‘umm, is an invisible man pressing down on me with some knives?’ because that’s what it felt like.

And I dealt with this for about three hours until mid-night, when I finally called my mom crying because it just kept getting worse.

And she was like ‘HOLY CRAP?! I don’t know WHAT you should do.” and I really, really, really didn’t want to to go the doctor because i HATE doctors.

And then ANOTHER hour later, i was like, ‘well, I’m probably going to die today so I might as well drive myself to the hospital.’

And I got there and everyone was really nice. and they gave me an IV, and i didn’t even care about the needle because I was in SO MUCH pain. And then the doctor figured out was wrong with me — gastritis — and gave me miracle drugs.

seriously. MIR.A.CLE. drugs.

when I went into that emergency room I was actually going over my day because I was thinking it would be my last one on this amazing earth. yes. I was in THAT MUCH PAIN.

but then. in a matter of a half an hour, modern medicine saved me.

(one point for modern medicine).

Apparently something is messed up with lining of my stomach, which the doctor said could be caused by 1. excessive ibuprofen use (check), 2. excessive stress (check), 3. if ulcers run it the family it could be hereditary (check) and 4. excessive caffeine use (check).

Basically my life has been the perfect storm leading up to this awful pain.

so now I’m scared to eat anything but bread, because the doctor said I should avoid foods that hurt my stomach. as far as I can tell ANYTHING could hurt my stomach. (for the record, my dinner Sunday night was SOY CHEESE quesadillas. it wasn’t even REAL cheese people. Im not like a crazy unhealthy person here).

anyway, I’m planning to follow up with my non-yet-exsistant regular doctor, so I’ll let you guys know how things to turn out.

if you took my picture right now, it’d look like a dui mug shot

October 3, 2008 Crystal journalism, sh*tty things that happen to me, short

jebus crist have i had a BAD week.

I know you probably want details, but unfortunatley anyone can read the interweb, so I can’t be too specific.

All I can say is that i feel like someone punched me in face. and then kicked me in the stomach. and then threw me in front of a car.

and that i’ve been crying for about 3.5 five nights straight.

and that journalism is a stressful business.

don’t get too freaked out. i still have a job and all.

im just not sure I want it.

stressed is desserts backwords. true story.

October 1, 2008 Crystal sh*tty things that happen to me, short

you know those times when you make a mistake at work. and you start dating someone with baggage. and winter weather knocks on your door and you realize you’ll be cold for the next 8 months due to your low iron. and your roommate gives you the knowing eye when she learns you’re not perfect. and then you make another mistake at work. and then you realize that the world is financially ending. and you start wondering if you’ll ever get married. or have kids. or good credit. or long hair. and you take a bath only to realize they no longer relax you?

ya. me too.

on the plus side, i’m totally going to a real-life new kids on the block concert Saturday. I’m pretty sure they’ll be sheet sets for sale alongside the cassett tape stand.