The only certainty is bad grammar – Page 52 – Too personal for the internet.

Holiday crap.

Published: December 26, 2010 / Updated: December 26, 2010 Crystal humor, long

I kind of don’t like Christmas.

There. I said it. I’m the youth leader who doesn’t really like Christmas.

I mean, I like hanging out with my brothers and sister and family, and I like my Uncle Glen’s twice-baked potatoes because those things are like heaven and fairy magic on a plate, and I LOVE that we’re celebrating Jesus’ birth and whatnot because he rocks.

But there’s just so much other crap that goes with the holiday and I kind of hate all of it.

First, everything happens when it’s so freaking frozen outside. What kind of idiots decided blizzard season was the best for shopping, driving long distances, and Santa parades? It’s just too freaking frigid for all that crap.

Also, everything cost so much and has so many calories. I can’t deal with it. WHY did I spend $13 on a SOCKS for my sister? WHY did I eat 47 Mint Meltaways on Christmas? WHY did I spend $198 on Peppermint Mochas, each with 4,000 calories, this season? I don’t know, because I suck at life?

Another thing I hate is the assumption that I will get to see every single person I ~~want~~ should during the season. I did not go to any non-family Christmas parties this year and I don’t think that makes me a loser, all right?

Of course, New Year’s Eve is even worse. A billion times worse. I hate New Year’s Eve with all my heart worse.

So what if I’m not going to be kissing anyone at mid-night all right? ALL RIGHT?? Exactly. It’s none of your stupid business that I’m going to be alone. It doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t even make an iffy person. It just means that I will probably be getting a really fantastical night of sleep. So ha!

Back in high school I at least had an excuse for that stupid holiday. I always had to work at Wal-Mart at like 6 a.m. on New Year’s Day so I never went out. But now. This year. The expectation that I have something fun to do makes me sick.

Why do I always have to have fun things to do? Huh? I can do fun things at 3 p.m. on Thursday if I want, so why can’t 3 p.m. Thursday be a stupid national holiday when everyone and their dog and their Chia Pet are supposed to kiss? That seems like just as good a time to celebrate newness and what not, and in fact it’s probably better because everyone will be wide awake.

Actually, maybe Obama should get on that. I bet he knows a guy or something that could change that.

But ya, anyway, my friend Ron told me once a long time ago right before taking the youth on a mission trip last summer to just let go of any expectations and everything will be awesome.

And I did, and it was.

And in fact, today, Ron and his wife Lynn and their two kids Kris and Chelsey came to visit me, and up until the moment they walked through the door at my church, I wasn’t really expecting them to come. I mean they’d said they were probably going to come, but it was a long drive, and so, for whatever reason, I just didn’t let myself expect it.

And so, when I saw Lynn come in from the snow, I screamed pure joy so loud that I teared up and I gave her the biggest hug ever because I love her so freaking much.

It was perfect. And unexpected. And awesome.

And I need to do that more with Christmas. And life. And everything.

I’m pretty sure it would lead to a lot less stupid crap and a lot more awesome.

Tripped up

December 18, 2010 Crystal exercise, humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

I’m pretty sure I could gain an easy 50 to 98 pounds working at the candy magazine.

My first day, I gained like six.

Dudes, literally like a couple hours in, my new boss called me into his office and I was worried for half a minute that my first column sucked or something, but all he wanted to do was give me four packages of free candy to try. And it was delicious.

Too delicious.

My plan right now is to give up soda so that I can balance things out, but that didn’t work so well today because I ended up having that very same free candy for breakfast, and then I had a Coke with dinner.

I also was planning to join a gym today, but it actually ended up being a really good thing I didn’t because as I was running (yes, literally running because I was COLD) into Target to buy bows and wrapping paper I tripped on nothing and sprained my ankle like a mofo.

I was trying to just walk it off because you know, a girl’s gotta shop, but then I sat on the display futon and took off my boot and I realized that my ankle was the size of a tennis ball. I cried a little on the inside at that point. But, ya, in conclusion, I obviously wouldn’t have even been able to go to the gym for like a week anyway.

Right now, I’m on Vicodin, which I had left over from when I had my gall bladder out, and I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of out of it. In a fun way, but still. I just finished writing out all the Christmas cards for my youth group, and I’m really hoping I spelled everyone’s name right and that I didn’t say anything too crazy.

Speaking of holiday cards, if you are among the four that sent one my way, thank you much!!

And to everyone who reads my blog, have yourself a merry little Christmas day.

Candy girl: I got a new job

Published: December 9, 2010 / Updated: December 9, 2010 Crystal Uncategorized

So, I got a new job. At Candy Industry Magazine.

I’m going to be an associate editor.

YAY!!!!!

It’s a big change for me, and I think it can best be summed up by one of the interview questions.

Them: Do you know what sunshine journalism is?

Me: When you expose corrupt politicians by shinning light on them?

Them: Um. No. When you write happy stories.

Me: Oh. Yes. THAT. Of course. I love THAT.

My last day at the Northwest Herald is Thursday, Dec. 16. That’s also my little brother’s 21st birthday. (Hi Steve!) Not sure if there’s some sort of metaphor in there, but I feel like there should be.

Perks of the new job include: More money, free candy samples, health insurnace that cost half as much, free candy samples, candy convention trips, a Monday-Friday schedule, and free candy samples. Also, free candy samples.

And for those wondering, yes, of course I am still going to be the youth director at church. Two jobs ain’t nothing for this girl. Also, the job is in Deerfield, and I’m still going to live in Naperville, so my commute is still going to suck. But that’s only because I like to work as far away from my home as I possibly can. Duh.

So, wish me luck, say a prayer for me, and feel free to ask me in a month about new Snicker’s products or what exactly M&Ms was thinking with their new marketing plan.