The only certainty is bad grammar – Page 53 – Too personal for the internet.

It’s my blog and I can be gross if I want to

Published: December 1, 2010 / Updated: December 1, 2010 Crystal Uncategorized

So, I finally have enough strength to type again.

Barely.

Holy vomit, being sick sucks.

It started hitting me at like 9 a.m. yesterday, but I thought maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I wasn’t sick, maybe I was just stressed, or tired or something stupid.

But then, as the day went on and the only thing I could think about was throwing up, I realized maybe this was the real deal. Finally, at about 2:30 p.m., I went to my boss with tears in my eyes and said I needed to go home.

When I got to said home, I went to change into my pajamas and I was so sick that my skin hurt.

Worst. Feeling. Ever.

How do you even deal with something like all of your skin hurting? Ug. Horrible.

Then, a 100.2-degree fever took over my body. My eyes were hot, my body ached, and I didn’t even have enough strength to turn over in bed.

I also had to focus on taking long, deep breathes to fend off throwing up. The technique worked until about 4 a.m.

That’s when I got up and thought for half a second that maybe I was feeling a little better, and I went in to use the bathroom.

I didn’t leave that bathroom for two hours.

I’d say the lowest point of that two hours was the moment when I was trying to call my roommate on speaker phone to decide if I should go to the emergency room or not, and at the same time I was on the toilet and neon green diarrhea was literally exploding out of my butt, and then I started vomiting neon green puke into a bag.

“Help me” was all I could say into the phone.

I seriously thought I was going to die. On the toilet. While holding a bag of my own vomit.

Yes, I did make her drive all the way here from where she was at (a half hour away) at 6 a.m., only to decide by the time she got here that my stomach had calmed down enough for me to no longer seek medical attention.

In my defense, when you’re in that situation, you never think you’ll get better. I started picturing myself throwing up for the rest of my life, and it was pretty easy for me to decide that I’d rather have someone shoot me dead.

Anyway, short story long, I eventually brushed my teeth, found my way to my pillow and went to sleep. I’ve since eaten some crackers and some peanut butter bread and neither has come back up.

And thus, hope has been restored in my life.

Blog topics

Published: November 27, 2010 / Updated: November 27, 2010 Crystal medium

I’m traveling through some crazy decisions these days.

Some keep-me-up-at-night, mind-gymnastics, intense decisions.

I want to tell you all about them, get some input, and feel a little more at peace tomorrow than I do today, but, because they are decisions of the crazy kind, I can’t tell you anything about them.

Doesn’t that suck when writers are annoyingly crypitic like that? I, for one, hate it with all my heart. But here I am doing it anyway because, well, at the end of the Internet, this is my stupid blog. For better and worse.

It’s just, well, I don’t know what to do.

I tried to Google my problem, but strangely, nothing at all came up that was relevant. (Maybe I just didn’t search the right key words). I keep asking live people for advice too, but that hasn’t been much better. I’m finding that I have to just figure this one out myself.

I miss being a little kid, when everything was black and white and easy. Clean your room. Don’t talk in class. Don’t steal candy from the bins at Jewel. And, don’t run up the phone bill calling your friends.

Bam. That’s it. Those were rights and wrongs of the day. No other problems had ever crossed my universe. I didn’t need Google therapy.

::sigh::

So, ya, here I am. All undecided about really important things that I can’t even blog about.

I’m hearing a lot of “pray about it”s which is great and all, except sometimes, I just like hearing things exactly specific to my situation. I’m needy like that. And well, Jesus doesn’t really do one-on-ones, at least not with me.

Ug. I just do not know what to do.

In the meantime though, you can expect a lot of non-emotional blog topics, such as, but not limited too: How I feel about purses, How I feel about tea pots, and How I feel about syrup.* That is, until I can finally be at a place where I can write about these decisions.

*Note: Blog topics may or may not actually happen.

Pandora stole my heart.

Published: November 20, 2010 / Updated: November 20, 2010 Crystal humor, im cool

Ok, so I know I’m like five years late to the Pandora party, but now that I’m here, I’m in love.

Love.

For the two of you left who don’t know (hi mom! hi dad!), it’s this internet thing that makes radio stations based on songs/artists you like. For example, I heart Ingrid Michaelson, so I made a station named, “Ingrid Michealson station” and now Pandora plays me songs either by her, or songs that are similar to hers. I also have an Audio Adrenaline station, a Sublime station and, of course, a Ke$sha station.

I’m diverse like that.

And, the best part of this particular internet thing is that there’s an app for that. On my Droid.

My new favorite habit is falling asleep while listening to my Ingrid Michealson station with head phones. I feel a little like a 12-year-old who just discovered that every song is actually about me and my life, and I just can’t suck in enough of it.

It’s kind of awesome.

And I’m really excited because it introduces me to new music. Like this song by Griffin House.

My favorite line is “You don’t need to change a thing about you babe. I’m telling you, from where I sit, you’re one of a kind.” It inspires me to use the word “babe” much more often.

Anyway, so ya, I love Pandora. And today I was going to go run errands and I was all “I LOVE PANDORA! So, I shall listen to it while I walk through Meijer.”

I’ve never been that person who has headphones on while I skim the sunglasses rack, (I kind of actually hate that person, because seriously, can you not move so I can get by. Oh, you can’t hear me asking you to move, can you? Dork). But then, I thought, what the hey, this could be fun.

That’s how addictions work. They start making it seem OK to do things that you once thought were totally out of your realm.

But I couldn’t even get to that point because just as I was going into Meijer, Pandora on my phone craped out and started telling me it was “having technical difficulties.”

UGGGG.

Withdrawal sucks.

So I had to walk around stupid Meijer listening to the pre-approved music on the overhead speakers.

LA-AME.

How did I ever live that last 27.5 years of my life like that?