I feel like I’m going to die all the time.
Actually, really, I feel like I want to die. All the time.
It really hurts that bad right now. This horrible, horrible pain in my right ribs that I’ve been dealing with for more than two months now.
There’s a saying about food poisoning. “At first you’re afraid you’re going to die. Then you’re afraid you won’t.”
I don’t have food poisoning though. I have nerve pain in my ribs. And I want to kill myself.
I think about it a lot.
The thoughts started during the long nights when I couldn’t sleep and even the blankets seemed to hurt my body and there was nobody to help me and breathing hurt. When breathing hurts you can’t help but go to dark places because literally every few seconds you have to think about the pain.
I have since found that two codeine helps with that though. It gives me the most crazy, vivid dreams, but it knocks me out. So I take it as early as I can. I sleep 11 hours a day because sleeping is the only time I don’t feel like someone is stabbing me.
Now though, I think about killing myself mostly while I’m driving.
That’s when it hurts the very most. It’s when I try not to take too many drugs because I’m operating heavy machinery. I haven’t worn the top of my seat belt since Feb. 3 because when it lays across my ribs it feels like it’s simultaneously suffocating me, and stabbing me. But even without the seatbelt, there’s something about sitting up right, and stopping abruptly multiple times, and dealing with traffic that makes me want to be dead.
I mentioned it to my boyfriend once in passing while I was in rush hour. “I want to kill myself,” I said. I just wanted to see how the words sounded in the air. But I could tell he did not want to hear them the second I said them. “You do not want to kill yourself,” he said matter of factly.
I don’t blame him. Nobody would want to hear those words from their love.
I promise you though, it hurts so much. I think it about it all the time. I’m ready to be dead. I really am. I’m at so much peace with it.
I don’t know if this means the pain is at a point that I should be taking myself to the emergency room, or if I should just take another codeine. I try to only take one at a time during the day.
I’m writing this post because I feel very alone. I feel like I’m in a dark place. And it hurts when I breathe.
When I’m at work, I can’t sit at my desk the whole day, so depending how many drugs I’m on and how good I’m feeling and how much I did the day before, I take breaks throughout the day to literally lay on the floor by my chair on my stomach.
I push my chair aside, and lie face down on the thin carpet by my desk. Usually, I use my coat as a sort of pillow.
I try not to cry at work though because it freaks people out.
Standing used to be more comfortable than sitting, but now, really, the only comfortable thing is taking a gabapentin, two codeine and going to sleep.
I know that everyone wants me to be back to my old self. But all I can say is that I promise, they can’t possibly want it more than I do.
I’m not going to kill myself. Not today.
I heard this story on NPR on after-death experiences. And it was about this doctor or something who studied all these people who had died and then come back to life.
He said every single one of them had felt a warm light or something after they died. That all of them basically went to Heaven. All of them except the ones who had attempted suicide. The things those people saw were too awful for words.
And that’s not to say people who kill themselves can’t go to Heaven. That’s not really for me to judge.
But just to be safe, I’m not going kill myself. Not today.
I’m just reaching out. Trying to tell you something. Trying to say that it hurts really bad. And that if you’re in pain too, and you’re in a really dark place. You’re not alone.