Tag Archive: computer

Norton Antivirus needs an antidote

Holy pop-ups, can someone, somewhere in techland please kill Norton for me? A slow death that involves lazers, mace, tire marks, antibiotics and perhaps some sort of STD would be preferable, but a fast death also would suffice.

For realz guys. The stupid program is driving me insane.

Every 24 hours, it’s all HELLO! PLEASE RENEW NOW! HELLO! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! RENEW NORTON ANTI-VIRUS NOW! IF YOU DON’T RENEW RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND YOU’RE A HORRIBLE COMPUTER MOM! SO RENEW! NOW!!

I tried to tell it nicely that I’m too broke for such things. I tried to just click it away. But then, BAM. the next day, it’s back. It’s like an annoying co-worker who makes you nod along to his stories about beef jerky all the time. Everyday I say I’m not interested. But everyday they both come back.

I tried to delete the program, but it just gave me another pop-up saying I needed special permission. Seeing as how this is MY computer, the whole thing just made me hate it even more.

So then, I asked Google for help. But the suggestions I found there were slightly beyond what I felt comfortable doing to my Windows Vista, which isn’t really known for its ability to perform well under pressure and updates.

It’s almost as if Norton Antivirus has mutated into a virus that’s even more annoying than any of the viruses it’s not even protecting me from.

Kind of like how crutches make your arms hurt after you ankle heals. Except not at all. And worse.

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I really hate you Windows Vista. I really, really hate you.

First, thank you God in Heaven that it is not MY computer that is messed up.

I mean, that’s what’s really important here. MY computer (aka love of my life, aka lifeline, aka best thing that’s ever happened to me) is just fine. (For now).

Unfortunately, my mom’s is jacked from here to hog heaven.

Straight up, jacked.

As in, it’s been possessed by an Windows demon, sacrificed to the Windows devil and then tossed into the Windows lava lake of endless restart loops.

Short story long, there’s this horrible, annoying awful message that appears when you turn it on to the effect of “Configuring Updates step 3 of 3. Do no turn off your computer.”

But then, after about 83 seconds, it turns itself off.

And then back on.

And the same horrible, annoying, awful message appears.

I wanted to fix it myself so bad.

SO. BAD.

I searched Mr. Google for help. Found out that this is a fairly common problem, and then proceeded to follow every single possible solution process.

I believe that now is the appropriate time to point out exactly what the Windows Vista help site says you should do if the first two options they suggest don’t work (they didn’t):

“Use the Web to ask a question.”

I swear that is what it says.

Lamest. Thing. Ever.

Aside from that crap, also involved in this technology tragedy were: many (failed) F11 attempts, a repair disk creation with Torrent and ISO files (which I didn’t even know were “files” till yesterday), a chat to Windows help in which I was told the problem would be resolved before the end of the chat, a disconnection from Windows chat (literally) 3 minutes later because the Windows chat program (I am not even joking) crashed, a phone call from a Windows technician, another phone call from said Windows technician’s supervisor, AND a lame e-mail response from HP.

Also I cried a few times.

What makes me maddest of all is that it’s the Windows update that is messed the fudge up.

As in.

WINDOWS DID THIS TO ME!

Write that down.

W. I. N. D. O. W. S.

Why have they not been giving out free bags of money as a way to fix this?

Anyway, about 8 a.m. this morning, after trying to let the computer repair itself overnight for 8 straight hours, I gave in and called a computer tech place.

The guy was all “We’ll diagnosis it for $40.” And I was all “What if I give you $40 and you can’t find out what’s wrong with it?” and he said, “That won’t happen.”

I don’t believe him though.

Technology tragedies will give you trust issues.

Plus, when I dropped it off, he was all, “We’ll take as many hours as we need to, to find the problem, and it will only cost $40.”

So then, I was all, “Great, just call me when you diagnosis it and we can decide if we want to pay to have it fixed.”

And then.

Oh snap.

He was all “Well, if we happen to fix it while we’re diagnosing it, we’ll back bill for the technician’s time that he spent fixing it. It’ll probably be about $112.”

“What? Back bill? What?”

“Ya. But we’ll subtract the $40 from that.”

Umm, Mister, that is total crap. If I took my car to a mechanic, and he charged me to diagnosis it, he would never, in a million light years, then try to pull some shady crap like that and randomly back bill me for whatever he felt like back billing me for. That doesn’t even make any freaking sense. Plus, I kind of think that’s illegal.

Normally, I would have grabbed the laptop, stuck it in my passenger seat, and driven down to see my friend Lyndon in New Orleans in hopes that he could fix it for me legit-style.

But I was under the spell of the Vista devil, so I left the stupid thing there with the shady technician.

I swear to the Internet though, if he comes up with some crazy back bill, I’m suing him, grabbing my mom’s computer and reporting the whole mess to the Better Business Bureau.

Also, for the record. Yes. I use Vista. No, I do not plan to go out and buy an Apple instead because of this. I have no money. Apples cost SO MUCH MONEY. Unless of course, you have extra money you’d like to give me. I’ll totally use it buy an Apple. Promise.

No? You don’t? Because the economy sucks, you say?

Well then, instead, I shall just turn off all updates on my computer to avoid the problem happening to me. What could possible go wrong there?

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