humor – Page 38 – The only certainty is bad grammar

if only taco bell would sponsor me

Published: January 18, 2009 / Updated: January 18, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, journalism, long

so with journalism collapsing before my eyes (see here, here, and here) I’m starting to wonder about my life choice.

that train of thought has led me to seriously ponder how the heck anyone can make any money blogging. i signed up for a google ad account, which i haven’t even bothered incorporating into this site because i don’t know how, because nobody makes any freaking money from that anyway. (we’re talking like 3 cents a day people.) and because the ads are lame and who the heck EVER clicks on a google ad?

i have since concluded that a single, strong corporate sponsor is the way to go here. you know, in crystal fantasy land. (picture it: the only certainty is bad grammar. brought to you by your friends at blackberry). the only problem is a. i don’t have enough clicks yet and b. i have NO idea how to get a freaking sponsor. i imagine contacting someone in a skyrise and explaining to them that im really awesome would be the way to start, but after that I’ve got nothing.

im also very curious as to why some of my favorite bloggers, such as penelope trunk and alan speinwall, and even my friend kritta (whom i can only assume get MASSIVE clicks), don’t have ads on their sites. are they afraid of google? or do they not like to make money?

And while we’re on the topic, I’m not sure if this is an oversight or what, but a bazillon mobile sites have no ads whatsoever, i.e. the chicago tribune. YES, they have a blackberry shortcut, which like a good little chicagolander I have on my phone, but the thing is completely ad free. they are literally giving away their news. why? you’d think there’d at least be a little link on top that says “go eat subway for lunch today” or SOMETHING. what the heck are they thinking?

i haven’t quite gotten to the point where i’d like to set up a tip jar on my site for eDonations (although free money is ALWAYS welcome) but I’m wondering what ya’ll think.

yes, i’m aware that i have NO paid ads on my site, (either via the computer version or the mobile version) but i do plan to figure out that whole google ad thing soon, so don’t be shocked if you see a link telling you that you CAN in fact lose all the belly fat by following one simple rule.

also, for those out there with things to sell, you should know that I’d totally sacrifice my integrity to write nice things about your product if you give me money. (i.e. I LOVE harris bank. you guys should go bank there. AND im so craving a tropicana lemonade, you should go get one and then drink it).

buddy. it’s MY d*mn blog.

Published: January 17, 2009 / Updated: January 17, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, sh*tty things that happen to me

so remember this guy?

well he’s apparently f*ing CRAZY.

seriously folks. first of all the dude randomly decides that he doesn’t ever want to talk to me again, and sends me a pansy five-part text message to let me know this. his reason? the ever-clever, “it’s not you, it’s me.”

whatever.

I moved on. dated (read: made out with) other boys. lived my D*MN LIFE. realized, he wasn’t that cute to begin with, so there was no real harm done. and i swear to you people i did not contact him after that. not once. ok once. but only the day after the five-part text. and then i swear, NOTHING.

however, being the awesome person that I am. he apparently can’t get me out of his d*mn mind. so he decided to comment on my blog. (see here). when i saw the comment i was a bit disgusted that he had the nerve to read my blog. but then I thought, whatever. i’ll sell my soul for another click on this thing, so more power to him.

yes, i noticed that he not only told me he was on nutra system, he also suggested i try it. but whatever. he’s an idiot. who cares.

but THEN. oh. f*ing snap. I’m not sure if he got off his meds, or start taking some that he didn’t need or if he’s just naturally f*ed up, but he sent me another comment. only this one was a crazy rant about all the things he had decided he didn’t like about me on those ever-informative three and a half dates we had.

THREE AND A HALF DATES! and he didn’t even make it to second-base, so I’m not sure where he came out with all these opinions on ME!

Also, I’m not really sure if he understands how blogs work. see, I approve all the comments. That’s right. when you see that your comment is awaiting moderation, that means I am reviewing it to decide if I want to post it.

duh.

because his crazy rant is pretty freaking vicious, i’ve decided instead to pull snippets for your viewing pleasure: a. because I know you’re curious, and b. because i want to make fun of him.

“If someone has a neat gadget, maybe try keeping the compliments to yourself, or at least don’t mention how much it impresses you that I had a gps in my car. The people who have these things, don’t think it’s a big deal that they have them. It all went downhill from there.”

that is a direct quote people. DIRECT. apparently, when i told him I liked that stupid gps thing in his stupid car because I was trying to be nice, i somehow screwed everything up. that was our first date, so I’m not exactly sure why he even bothered to call after that, seeing as how i throw around the compliments all the time.

(after a LONG explanation of how I’m crazy for carbs and don’t eat well): “That might mean that “blog night” turns into “jog night”. Try it, I have. I feel like im 21 again and I’ve only been doing it for a week and a half.”

So you’ve been working out for a week and a half. WOW! that’s like what? 10 days. go you. j*ck*ss. also, did you think you were being clever with that rhyme? oh. you did? well, you weren’t.

“[Sh*t], I wish you ate healthy on your own. I didn’t want to be in charge of that task for the rest of my life.”

stupididiot say what? for the rest of your life? who the heck was talking about the rest of anybody’s life?

There were a lot of other VERY mean things in this rant that I’d just as soon forget, so I won’t re-post anymore. but i just wanted to tell you guys this story as a warning: NEVER let a boy you met on match.com see where you live. ever. because they might turn out to be CRAZY like this one. and for that matter, be careful about who you give your blog address to.

don’t worry. I have since flagged his IP address as SPAM through my filter, so even if he tries to comment again, it will just go into a magical file somewhere and I’ll never even see it.

there. now I can officially move one with my D*mn life.

hope i don’t have skin cancer

Published: January 15, 2009 / Updated: January 21, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

UPDATE: I got a voicemail from my doctor today with good news. i seem to in fact be skin-cancer free. guess my body doesn’t hate me afterall. 🙂

how’s that for a headline?

apparently my body hates me and such (is it mad that i stopped eating meat? or just upset at my constant taco bell runs?) because aside from the whole super painful gallstones, i also had a random thing on my arm.

no. it wasn’t like a mole or anything really gross. just a thing. a pale, skin colored thing.

and i had it taken off today to be tested. which was kind of weird. they numbed a 2-inch by 2-inch area of my arm and then scraped that sucker right off with a razor blade. the worst part may have been the numbing shot, but after the heck of a surgery i went through last week, the burning sensation i got it from it was the equivalent of brushing my teeth.

i didn’t watch or anything, seeing as how i like to avoid throwing up and all. but i did look at it after they finished. when i got to work. in the privacy of a bathroom stall. you know, just to be safe.

and i was TOLD i could change the bandages in a hour because it would stop bleeding, but that was crap. because TWO hours later, i tried to put on a regular band-aid brand bandage and the thing bled right through it. at this point i thought ‘hmm, i shall find the office first aid kit and commence with using it.”

apparently though, the extent of my office first aid kit is a poster on choking (h/t lovely co-worker) so instead, i grabbed the large cotton bandage from the garbage and put it back on my arm with masking tape.

planning to go with my life, i sat back down at my desk and told my co-worker what i had done.

“WHAT? FROM THE GARBAGE?!!! IT WILL GET INFECTED!! TAKE THAT OFF!”

i argued that it was a better plan than walking in negative 10 degree weather to the local 7/11 to get a real bandaid, but she would have none of it. so i took the stupid garbage band-aid off and applied pressure with a napkin.

and then i remembered that i had some heavy duty band-aids in my bag as a result of my roommate buying me four boxes of them after my surgery (thanks again for that roomie!).

hallelujah!

i slapped one of those “tough-strips” on and got back to checking emails. about 5 hours later it seems to have held up, so i think things worked out fine.

i’m told i’ll hear back about the whole ‘is it or is it not skin cancer” question sometime within the next few days. in the meantime, if ya’ll could pray that it is “not skin cancer” that’d be great, seeing as how i only have 1.5 sick days to last me the rest of 2009.

thanks in advance. 🙂