The most important sales pitch

I’m a little worried that I’m better at selling Google than I am at selling God.

With Google, I’m all, “OMG! How are you NOT on Google Voice? The product will change your life right this instant and all you have to do is nothing. That’s IT. And then you can screen calls, READ your voice mail. (True story. You can READ your voice mail. How are you doing this yet??), and listen to people leaving you a voice mail WHILE they leave it. It’s just like in the olden days when people had answering machines! Fan-tastic.”

Or, I’m all “Get on Google Documents right now. First, it converts files to things you can actually open on a Mac. Second, it converts anything to a  PDF for free. Third, you can let other people make edits on anything. And fourth, you can open your documents anywhere. Even the moon!!”

But when it comes to God, I’m just like “I love him. You should too. The end.”

I think it’s because when I try to sell people on Google, and they say “You’re a stupid idiot head and you suck and I’ll never use it ever, even if it would save the earth from an attack of giant alien mosquitoes who shoot gasoline out of their noses and take all the cute guys.” I can be all, “Your loss.” And go on my merry way.

But when someone responds like that after I tell them about God, I’m all, “Crap. Now you’re going to go to hell. Crap. Crap. Crap. (Heavy, depressing sigh). Are you sure you don’t just want to try going to church? No. Really? Not even with the attacking mosquitoes and stuff? Oh. OK. Well, I’ll ask again tomorrow then I guess.”

Except, well, I usually don’t ask again tomorrow.

The rejection is too much to take, so I end up going on my merry way. But with this, it’s my loss because I really believe that the person won’t be there in heaven with me when I die.

And that sucks.

A lot.

So I need to get better at pitching God.

This blog post is my first step I think.

I’d like to say that it will be followed by a one-on-one invite from me to ask you to come to church, where I’m all, “God is so freaking awesome. How are you not Christian like yesterday? First off, he’s free. Free-er than Google! Second, he helps you with every single problem ever. Third, he loves you. Fourth, he believes in you. Fifth, he comes with some really great music. And Sixth, you can talk to him anywhere! Even in your bedroom, when you’re alone under the covers and scared and panicked and crying and you don’t see a way out. Even there!”

I’d like to say I’d have that conversation with you, but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen this week.

I’m scared to ask you. I’m scared you’ll look at me like I’m a stupid idiot head.

But you should know that I pray for you every night.




Also, you should know that my church (The Woodstock First United Methodist Church, 201 W. South St.) is having a faith and praise worship Saturday at 5 p.m. It’s like one hour of your life. That’s it. And I promise you won’t regret it. All you have to do is show up. And if you have any questions, just come up to me and be all, “Hey Crystal, what’s the Saturday-night church thing about?” and we’ll go from there.

And maybe next month I’ll get up the courage to just ask you in person. (That’s another thing I pray for every single night).

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  1. You’re doing great. Keep this up. You never know when or where the seeds will grow. Even God casts seeds in places that never seem to grow. But, perhaps an infinite time later, the seed will see the light and grow into something fantastic. You may convince someone to be a Christian before you convince someone to become vegan. Who knows? Just keep on casting out those seeds. Maybe someone else has to water, feed and harvest them.

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