Why is this happening to me?

I’ve gotten into a circle of asking “why” lately.

As in, “Why the hell is this happening to me?”

I know. I know. It’s cliche.

But I just. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why this is happening to me.

I hate it so, so much.

Last night I did too much, and I was sitting in my car, and I still had to make the hour-and-a-half drive home from the area where I work, and I was in seriously excruciating pain, and it was just radiating throughout my right ribs, and I just wanted to die so, so much and all I could think was, “Why?”

Did I do something to deserve this? Was I an awful person at some point, and this was my punishment? Was I mean to someone and I didn’t realize it, and now I’m going through this as a result of that?

Am I paying for the sins of my youth? For all the stupid mistakes I made in my 20s?

Because if I am, I am truly, truly repentant.

People are always trying to find the good in this. I don’t blame them. I want to find good in evil too.

But I don’t see any good in this.

I play out crazy scenarios in my head where I start foundations and help millions of people with similar problems, but then I just think that even that is horrible because those people shouldn’t ever have to go through something like this. It is so, so awful.

Or, maybe I will sue the hospitals that have brushed me aside and ignored my cries for help and misdiagnosed me and I will get millions of dollars. But trust me, I would rather have my health any day of the week.

Last night, the pain was so horrible and I found myself thinking about driving off the road again, wishing I was dead. Praying for an end.

Someone actually told me recently that I shouldn’t kill myself, because if I commit suicide I’d go to hell and that would be worse than whatever I’m enduring now.

How horrible is that?

Do you think that’s true? I’m seriously in so much pain that I pray to die every day, and I can’t even kill myself because God would send me to hell to be tortured more? How awful is that?

Methodists don’t believe that. I used to attend a Methodist church, so I guess technically I don’t believe that either.

But I feel like I don’t know anything about God these days, so who knows.

Because what kind of God would allow this to happen to me? Or anyone? What kind of God would let someone suffer such horrible physical pain day after day after day? With no cause, no cure? No relief?

I had to fly to a business trip last week, and I looked out the plane at all the little houses on the ground, and all the cars on the road, and everything looked so tiny. And for the first time in my life I thought, “Maybe God isn’t really involved in all this. Maybe it’s all too much for Him. Maybe we are really just super selfish to believe that one creator could possibly be involved in all of our stupid little lives.”

I have to tell you, I feel pretty alone right now. Like I’m fighting this one without any help from up above.

And the idea that maybe I’m just a meaningless speck on this little blue planet is starting to make more and more sense.

I still pray before dinner. I still listen to Christian music.

I still want to believe so, so, so bad.

But I’m feeling pretty deserted at the moment.

And I just can’t understand why this is happening to me. Why this would happen to anyone.

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