feminism?

If you need me, I’ll be at Lifetime.

I joined Lifetime. And by that, I do NOT  mean “The TV network that runs Will and Grace episodes and awesomely corny movies 24 hours a day” but rather, “The really expensive 24-hour gym by my house.”

Dudes, I’m more addicted to this place than my car is to gas.

The first rule of Lifetime is that when you go there, and you have to text someone that you’re there, you always say you’re at “Lifetime” instead of “the gym” because “Lifetime” makes it very clear that you are either a. cooler than them if they don’t go there, or b. as cool as they are if they go there.

The second rule of Lifetime is that even though it is 24 hours, all the aforementioned cool people go there at the exact same time. 5:15 p.m.  It usually takes me about 12 minutes of driving around to find an empty spot. Not a close spot. Just an empty one. It’s totally worth it though.

The third rule of Lifetime is that it’s awesome.

Wait, that’s not a rule.

Whatever. It’s awesome.

They have a hot tub, and a lap pool and a steam room with menthol steam, and all the white towels your heart could ever desire, and so I’ve started using all of those things.

Religiously.

(Can a youth director say the word “religiously” like that, all out of context?)

(Eh, only like three people from church read my blog and I don’t think they’ll mind).

(Hi Rachel! Hi Ralph! Hi Karen!)

Anyway, so ya, I’ve gotten pretty good at the whole swimming thing. I feel like I need to spend most of my time in the pool, because for $60 a month, using just the elliptical would be a huge ripoff.

(Yes, dues are $60 a month).

(Because they are, and because they have a hot tub and a lap pool and a steam room with menthol steam and all the white towels your heart could ever desire).

Right now I would like to brag about the fact that I can swim 20 laps.

Laps as in “there and back” is one. So that’s 40 lengths.

And I wasn’t even very tired when I did that today.

Also, one of the kids in the youth group is like a dolphin or Michael Phelps or something (Hi Chris!), so he explained to me how to do the flip at the end of each length, so I can just swim continuously. The other day, while wearing my goggles, ear plugs and nose plug, my roommate watched me do the flip and she said it looked mostly right, so if you were worried I looked dumb while swimming, you’re wrong. I just look super cool.

My goal is to get up to 32 laps, which would be a mile. I’m pretty sure I can do that, because as they say at this magical place “I can do it all in My LIFETIME.”

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“The Wire” ruined me for other shows

I finally got through all five seasons of HBO’s “The Wire.” And real quick, before I tell everyone why you need to see that show by tomorrow, and how all other shows suck to me now, I need to tell you a funny story.

And, for you to understand the funny story, you need to know that journalists get a bunch of news off something called “the wire.”

So, the other month, I was texting my journalist friend (a HUGE wire fan) (his name is Tom Loewy) with a reference to the show, about how I couldn’t believe [name withheld to prevent a spoiler] died and he texted back, who? And then I was all, [name withheld to prevent a spoiler] died! I seriously cannot believe he [method of death withheld to prevent spoiler]! And he was like, wha? huh? So then I was like, ‘ON THE WIRE DUH!’ And he was like, “dude, I haven’t been on the wire today, can you just tell me who the heck you’re talking about???

Lol. It’s funny because he was so confused.

Or, maybe you had to be there.

Anyway, the show is awesome and I cannot watch anything else, except, (oddly) Glee, which I love in spite of the random bouts of choreography and classic rock. And really, wasn’t the episode about religion fantastic? I mean, Grilled Jesus was great.

But anyway, this isn’t about Glee, this is about The Wire, which has the best writing ever. I’m not going to lie, it’s kind of like a novel, so the first season or so, I was all, ‘I don’t see what the big deal is and really, how in the name of Omar am I supposed to follow 67 main characters, many of whom already died?’

But I stuck with it. Mostly because Allan Speinwell told me to.

He’s written amazing reviews of the show (which you can find here) and over, and over, he kept telling me this was the best drama ever. So, I went through hour, by hour, by hour, and then, in season three, [second name withheld to avoid spoilers] was shot and killed and I was like HOLY HOLY BALTIMORE! THEY JUST KILLED [second name withheld to avoid spoilers]!!!!!

And I knew I was officially in real-life love with a TV show.

Season four was my favorite, if you’re wondering. It’s the one about the schools. I probably liked it because I write about schools at the newspaper I work for. Or maybe it was just because I like Bunny. (He’s main character 89).

But ya, anyway, I loved this show.

But now, I have to move on. I have to see what else is out there. So I got Dexter through Netflix. And everyone told me that Dexter was DA BOMB! BEST SHOW EVER, but well, it’s not. Because The Wire is. And the lame narration and one-dimensional characters (so far) stand out to me like a light in the middle of an alley because, well, like I’ve said, The Wire has ruined me for other TV.

I mean sure, sure, I’ll dabble into some Grey’s Anatomy if my roommate wants me to, and I might even get excited about the scene where April wins the trauma competition, but in my heart all I’m thinking about is that scene on The Wire where [Character 83] kills [Character 6] in a convenience store. And how AMAZING that scene was because [Character 6] and I had grown so close to each other and he had just seemed like the only character who would never get got.

It’s kind of like hockey really.

When I watch hockey, I just stare at the screen fantasizing about football. Even when the Blackhawks beat the world last year, I couldn’t get too into a game where I couldn’t follow the puck and all the players had long beards and half their teeth.

Football will always be the best game ever for me.

And when I think about it, I  start to wonder if my friend Tom Loewy ruined me for other guys. Because he’s wonderful and attentive and smart and funny, and you don’t find guys like him every day. But I’m at a point where I have to move on and see what else is out there because he and I aren’t on a path to be anymore than friends right now.

Except, of course, all other guys pale in comparison.

But it’s all right, because I’d rather have my time with The Wire, and the Bears, and Tom Loewy and be slightly disappointed with everything else than to never know greatness at all.

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The regular rotation

Woah. So. It’s 11 p.m. already and I’m just now sitting down to dinner with my roommate and her boyfriend.

11.

p.

m.

And I have to wake up at 6 a.m. tomorrow.

This is my life now.

I do not understand people who are bored. Who are these people and why aren’t they helping me do my laundry?

Ya. Whatever. It’s been like two weeks since I did my laundry and I had to wear my leopard skirt to work today, which I’ve had since I was 16. True story. And depending on which top I pair with the skirt, it can go either professional or hooker.

I did get about 50 compliments on it though, so maybe I should put it back into the regular rotation.

Moving on, I had a fantastical day!!

My editor said she was pleased as punch for me and the happiness that rained down. True story.

Isn’t that the awesome? Pleased as punch. It’s got the greatest ring to it.

I’m totally bringing that phrase back into the regular rotation. I’m going to be all, “What? You’re getting married? Well, I’m just pleased as punch for you!” And, “Did you say you got those shoes for 75 percent off?? Well, honey, I’m just pleased as punch for you!!”

Go ahead, test me by telling me some good news. Just wait. Also, if you could grab that laundry basket, that’d be awesome. Thanks.

Also, you should know that my roommate and her boyfriend made the awesomest veggie spaghetti!! It had soy meat, and sauce and there was salad and garlic bread and a pre-meal prayer. And her boy calls it family time when we all hang out.

I’m thinking it’s something that could land in our regular rotation.

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