humor – Page 38 – The only certainty is bad grammar

the pair of jeans that moved me to tears

Published: November 3, 2009 / Updated: November 3, 2009 Crystal daily photo, exercise, humor, im cool, medium

All the not eating, and walking, and not eating, and calf work-outs on the playground equipment, and not eating, and lunges down the trail, and not eating, has finally, finally, FINALLY!!!!! given me a genuine reason to smile.

My skinny jeans slipped right on this morning.

The jeans that have sat on the closet shelf for the last 6 years waiting for me. Waiting in all their skinny jean glory for me to be ready to wear them again. They’ve tagged along from apartment, to apartment, to best friend’s condo, to current co-worker’s townhome – all the while patiently sure that I would one-day slip them all the way up again.

They always had faith in me, even when I lost faith in myself.

They knew.

When I think about it all, I really do tear up.

There’s just something about a pair of jeans that can do that to a girl I guess.

jeans 1

It’s kind of hard to take a full-body picture of yourself with a cell phone, but I promise these are my legs. You can tell, because I’m the only person alive who considers 2002-jeans with fake-wear marks across the thighs cool anymore. (sorry about the messy bed).

soon to be hpv-immune / gardasil shots hurt

Published: October 31, 2009 / Updated: October 31, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

Got the second of three Gardasil shots yesterday to fend off the ol’ HPV.

A nurse wearing an awkward bumblebee costume that could have doubled has a way to hide a pregnancy administered it into my left arm.

There’s a burn after the poke that feels like a fire ant crawled under the top layer of skin, had little fire-ant babies and then let them spread throughout your arm.

“WOW. That, umm, hurts,” I told the nurse, trying to hide the tears I felt inside.

“It typically does with the Gardasil,” she said like an evil bumblebee.

I knew that. I’d already had one shot. But holy needle did it still hurt.

And last time my arm was sore for three weeks. Like can’t-even-carry-my-purse-on-that-shoulder sore. Or why-does-holding-the-steering-wheel-have-to-be-SO-painful sore.

I’m told that’s normal, which I interrupt to mean “Your arm will now, again, be sore for three weeks.”

All this so I won’t get HPV.

I’m not even entirely sure what HPV is or why I should fear it.

Not to mention that the process requires a six-month commitment to getting the doses, and the longest commitment I’ve made, ever, was to the season pass at Great America and that was only five months from date of purchase to close of park.

I have this irrational fear that when it’s time for the final shot, I will find myself someplace remote with either multiple rainforests or multiple trailer parks and no nurses or health insurance in sight and then somehow the first two doses no longer will be effective because I won’t get the final dose in time!

Also, I have a newfound irrational fear of bumblebees.

things I’d do with money.

Published: October 29, 2009 / Updated: October 29, 2009 Crystal humor, journalism, medium

I’m 2,469 miles over due for an oil change.

My car mirror is being held on with packaging tape.

None of my clothes (bras) fit. I don’t even care that you think it’s annoying that the girl who lost weight is complaining about clothes not fitting because I’ll tell you what’s really annoying – MY CLOTHES NOT FITTING!

My blonde hair looks half brown and those roots aren’t just going to just dye themselves.

The insoles of my gym shoes are half gone. And I still walk four miles a day in them.

I’ve got $148 left to pay off on my gall bladder surgery.

My weekly tithe has dropped to an embarrassing $15 a week.

I’ve been wearing my two-week contacts for the last seven-to-ten weeks.

– “How to become a millionaire. Step 1: Get a million dollars.”