humor – Page 77 – The only certainty is bad grammar

story time

Published: December 9, 2008 / Updated: December 10, 2008 Crystal humor, im cool, journalism, medium

back in my grad school days i used to cover the governor. (no. really. i did. i WAS cool. i SWEAR). and I would wait for HOURS to talk to the man. and then sometimes, i’d get little more than one sentence from him. and it would be the ever-so-un-useful explanation of why in fact, he did NOT want to talk to reporters.

one time, i waited FOUR hour to talk to the man. and i was wearing HEELS. and i stood in the capital building’s basement doorway, which has a not-so-nice breeze.

and then his possy’s black suvs showed up.

and then his press secretary showed up.

and then she forcefully explained to me that he would not in fact be taking any questions.

and i explained to her that i had just waited four hours in heels and i would in fact be asking the questions anyway. and by that i mean, i actually just gave her a blank stare and refused to leave.

and then the governor came in.

and i was all “governor, governor! answer my question!!” (or something like that). but he didn’t.

so i gave up on real life and decided to ask him instead about the cubs (he’s a fan.)

and because he’s such a fan, he responded. and then i wrote a story about how thought the cubs would go to the world series that year. (they didn’t). and in that moment, he seemed like such a simple man.

ahh. times they have a changed.

reflections on chruch

December 1, 2008 Crystal humor, medium, random thoughts

1. I do not understand what the proper etiquette is for the bulletin the ushers give out. (for you heathens out there, the bulletin is what they hand you when you walk in. it has a list of the songs and verses for the day’s service as well as church announcements, such as (but not limited to): upcoming bake sales, christmas pageants and requests for tube socks and non-electric can openers). PEOPLE! it has the WORD OF GOD written all over the freaking thing. how the heck am I supposed to throw that away? I have determined that it would be COMPLETELY unacceptable to throw it away AT church (seeing as how nobody else seems to ever do this), but I also HATE bringing it home, because i end up feeling guilty about throwing it away there too. then i keep it for like three months before i finally break down and recycle it.

2. during the meet and greet portion in the beginning of service i have this unjustified fear that i will forget that i already shook someone’s hand, then shake their hand again and they they’ll be offended that i forgot about them in under two seconds.

3. i’ve been getting really into church lately, and it’s not like this is a out-of-nowhere thing. i was raised christian and all. but im secretly worried that after Christmas the high will wear off. will church still be fun after they take down the 12-foot tree near the alter? is that when i should start counting down the days till easter?

4. i wish i could sing. if i could sing i’d TOTALLY be in the freaking choir. sometimes i wonder if i can fake it long enough to join because christians don’t usually reject people, but i know in my heart that i’d never get through hymn number 2042.

5. tithing is HARD. i mean HARD. i’ve decided 8 percent of my income after taxes is the best i can do for now. (note to God: i would like to point out that i do volunteer for stuff, so i figure that makes up the extra 2 percent).

6. during children’s time at church last week, the pastor explained that jesus lives in our heart. on child (and possible future surgeon) said ‘if we get an x-ray machine, can we see him then?’ sounded like a valid question to me.

7. i don’t want my list to have six things on it because that’s the devils number.

random thoughts

Published: November 19, 2008 / Updated: November 19, 2008 Crystal humor, random thoughts

1. I have been wearing my right contact for WAY too long. But for some crazy reason, I only have two right-eye contacts left despite the FIVE 5 left-eye contacts i have (no. i don’t know how i got all uneven, but I’m going to go ahead and blame it on the eye-scratch i got over the summer) (why? because it’s the only thing i can come up with). Anyway, I don’t want to switch it out for a new one yet. Instead, at night, I just close my right eye when trying to read neon signs as a means of keeping the blur factor down.

2. Seriously, it gets dark at like noon now. WTF? All i want to do is sleep and watch primetime, but then I realize that i have like 6 hours of work in front of me. Winter sucks. (Although I AM happy that there seems to be less snow so far this year.).

3. While we’re on the topic of winter, I’m pretty sure my car hates the season. the other day my friend was all “that’s your CAR making that noise? I thought it was the city’s tornado drill.” I should probably get it fixed, but I’m scared it’s going to cost me my life savings. instead, i will just continue to believe that either a. god will fix it or b. it will fix itself.

4. for those of you who don’t stalk me on facebook and therefore don’t already know this, i dyed my hair supa dark this weekend in honor of winter. (see pic below). also, call me crazy, but i really do think the black hair makes my head look thinner.

i know i need to get my bangs cut. but what do you think of the COLOR?

5. I joined match.com. yeppers, I did. and it’s going well so far. but if i get murdered and thrown in a ditch sometime soon, be sure to tell the cops about the guys on my ‘favorites’ list, because it was probably one of them.

6. I KNOW that i still need to design this site, but the problem is I can’t figure out how directorys work and i have a sneaky suspicion that i do in fact need to download something from wordpress.org onto a desktop.

seeing as how i don’t have a desktop, i’ve instead decided to avoid the problem for the near future. there is hope though, because i plan to get a laptop during one of those day after thanksgiving sales. (yes, I KNOW i should spend the money on my car instead. but you want me to BLOG don’t you? don’t you!)