humor – Page 9 – The only certainty is bad grammar

21 reasons to say thanks this year

November 22, 2011 Crystal god, humor, im cool

Things I’m thankful for this year:

1. A washer and dryer in my apartment.

2. The praise band at my church that takes our services to the next level and connects the congregation to the Holy Spirit.

3. Heated seats in my car.

4. Cable TV that comes with On Demand service for USA and History channel, even though I only have basic channels. Yay for Burn Notice, Covert Affairs and Ancient Aliens.

5. KLOVE radio, which helps me worship God during my commute.

6. Words with Friends, which keeps me busy even when I pee.

7. $10 spray tans that take me from cute to almost hot.

8. My aunt and uncle coming up from New Orleans to visit and then getting just as excited as I do about Black Friday shopping.

9. All the hours in the car I spend with my little sister Monica listening to Christian music and talking about life.

10. All the times my mom saves me from the brink of any of the following: Going bankrupt, total depression, car accidents.

11. My dad’s pending wedding. Yay for him for finding love.

12. My brothers coming up for Thanksgiving and finally being able to stay for Black Friday.

13. A job that lets me work from home two days a week, and keeps me stocked with delicious candy at all times and also sends me on trips to fun places like Orlando.

14. Eric Jensen’s true commitment to the Crossroads UMC youth group, and his ability to work with me even when I’m super stressed and a little bit crazy.

15. Jesus Calling, a devotional by missionary Sarah Young that helps me start my day connected to God.

16. Pastor Wes, for, among other things, leading an intense Disciple class that is truly giving me a stronger understanding of God’s word.

17. Adele, for singing to my soul.

18. All the youth at Crossroads who keep showing up every week.

19. A free couch that turned my house into a home.

20. Youth Works, for changing the lives of everyone who goes on their mission trips.

21. My first Thanksgiving as a meat eater in about 10 years.

Win, lose, love.

Published: October 29, 2011 / Updated: October 31, 2011 Crystal feminism?, god, humor

So I’m seriously hoping that the Occupy Wall Street protesters will convince everyone to forgive student loan debt.

No. For real.

They seem like a bunch of people with student loan debt, and seeing as how it would stimulate the economy if me and everyone else didn’t have to shovel $310 to the federal government every month just to keep up with interest, I think the idea is totally winning.

And speaking of winning, I finally got some basic cable in my crib. (Crib is cool still, right?). I also got internet. Good news: Basic cable comes with free OnDemand! Holla! History Channel’s Ancient Alien, here I come. Bad news: The very most basic cable and internet package possible still is costing me $55 a month. Losing.

Speaking of losing, I got the flu shot this week at work, and then promptly got a (very) mild version of the flu.

I had never got the shot before, but I have to say — not sure it’s worth it. I got a slight fever, and the chills and that achy feeling where it hurts when air touches your skin. And I slept about 24 hours over a 36-hour period. True story.

Everyone tells me that it’s better than the real flu, which I believe. It’s just that I feel I like gambled with my body. I feel like getting the shot is only worth it if you know for 100 percent that you’re going to get the flu. Which I don’t.

I mean, ya, whatever, I was really excited when my company gave me the shot for free. I felt like it was a neat perk at my job and that the higher ups really do care about me. And my co-workers said that I needed it because I travel all the time to and from candy conferences and whatnot.

But I’m still undecided about getting it next year, seeing as how it kicked the crap out of me.

And speaking of undecided, I’m feeling really all right about being single these days.

I used to worry about my biological clock and whatever, but I have since come up with a back-up plan if I don’t get knocked up in time. Say it with me. A-dopt-ion.

Problem solved.

And, as my little sister said, it could be worse. I could be trying to find my second husband.

True that. Girl. True. That.

And speaking of my little sister, she sprained her ankle for, seriously, the fourth time since February. I too am cursed with weak ankles (see: falling off a side walk, falling in a Target parking lot, falling in Jazzercise, etc.). It sucks.

I feel really bad for her. And I just wanted to take this chance to tell her: I’m praying for you. I hope you get better soon. And I love you so much I can’t even explain it.

And, well, speaking of love, umm, God.

I had a sort of epiphany recently about the big guy.

I used to think that if he didn’t answer my prayers exactly, and didn’t make everything better all the time, then He either didn’t exist or that He was a jerk or that I couldn’t count on Him.

It sounds so silly to take things into your own hands, but it often feels so much easier.

But the more I’ve gotten to know Him, the more I understand how to connect with Him. And I’ve learned to feel Him, and rely on Him. And well, if there’s just one thing I wish I could explain adequately to people it’s that just because He doesn’t respond to prayers like they’re a wishes and He’s a genie, doesn’t mean He doesn’t care or that’s He’s not there.

Also, that prayer works. It’s just almost never in the way you expect.

Buying a car really is that awful

Published: August 29, 2011 / Updated: August 29, 2011 Crystal humor

Bad/annoying things that happened to me while I was shopping for a car, after I totaled mine:

1. I had to run my credit about 14 times. Each day. And sales people apparently have a complete lack of typing and spelling skills. (Oakridge is one word folks!)

2. Car dealers would repeatedly make me sit at a random desk for two, or three or forty-jillion hours while they “checked with a bank.” Then, they would come back pretending I had been approved, and ask me for a bajillion dollars down. Then, I would have to say that I do not in fact have a bajillion dollars and walk out. All told, that’s about 25 hours of my life I’ll never get back.

3. Stupid salesmen tried to negotiate with me on a monthly payment amount while simultaneously refusing to say how much the freaking car actually cost.

4. Every time I went anywhere, the salesman would try to up sale me at least $1,000. Trust me dudes, I would love to give you another $1,000, but the thing is, I only have $50 in my bank account.

5. When I finally got a car, the dealer never actually finalized the financing, so I had to go back to the stupid dealership so they could tell me that the only loan they could get me was about $30 more a month, so then I had to give them back the car I had been driving for two weeks, and wait in Chicago for two hours for my mom (the hero!) to come get me. (Note to readers: Mercury Dodge on Pulaski should be shot). On the upside, I had some awesomely authentic Mexican tacos while I waited at a restaurant across the street.

6. Seriously, do you understand how bad it sucked to fight with those stupid people at MERCURY DODGE and then give them back my car?

7. AND THEN! I left my all-time favorite CD in the stupid stereo (Sara Bareilles, “Little Voice”).

Now, for some good things:

1. Carmax doesn’t totally suck! HUZZAH!! (Turns out, they really are “the way car buying should be”).

2. They just approve you for a loan, right there in the little room in like 7 minutes, and they don’t try to trick you with the price.

3. After I returned the 2006 Camry at Mercury Dodge, I ended up getting a 2008 Chrysler Sebring, with heated leather seats, a heated/cooling cup holder, automatic start and a pretty hood for $400 less at Carmax!

4. I almost spontaneously made out with the car salesman when I found out about the automatic start.

5. I have achieved two of my life-long goals: To have heated leather seats in my car, and to own a Chrysler.

sebring

And, in honor of my new new car, enjoy. (I could watch this all day long!).