im cool – Page 35 – The only certainty is bad grammar

im pretty sure this makes me evil

Published: March 25, 2009 / Updated: March 26, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

holy tennis ball does my doggie roommate L.O.V.E. to play catch.

me: throw. him: catch. me: throw. him: catch.me: throw. him: catch. me: throw. him: catch. me: throw. him: catch. me: throw. him: catch. me: throw. him: catch. me: throw. him: catch. me: change the channel, throw. him: catch. me: throw. him: catch. me: throw. him: catch. me: throw. him: catch. me: throw. him: catch.

but today, my human roommate taught me how to trick the little buddy. a technique i first thought was mean, but eventually came to realize was actually just a really great boost to my self esteem.

see what i do is fake throw it, and the whip of my hand makes him think i actually throw it.

i know. im tricky.

the poor guy will wonder around the house for like MINUTES searching for it.

MINUTES! people.

and the whole time im just sitting on the couch all proud of my ability to out smart a lower life form.

it almost makes up for the fact that i pick up his poop on a daily basis.

my understanding is that this hair color will result in “more fun”

Published: March 15, 2009 / Updated: March 16, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium, vegan

Editor’s note: This post was updated below.

yesterday i was all, “hmm. i NEED a hair cut and if i don’t get one soon i will promptly die some sort of horrible internal-organ-related death and have to lay in an open-casket with split ends and bangs at the awful “in-between” stage.

so i went to my local hair cuttery. but i forgot it was a saturday. and they were all “ya. the wait is five hours.” and i was all “really?! that’s crap.” and i left.

i was planning to give up and instead spend my day at old navy, but i happened to wonder past an ulta. i had only ever been inside one once when i was 17, and all i remembered about the experience was the everything on every shelf in every aisle was WAY TOO EXPENSIVE.

turns out others have noticed though, because they had absolutely zero wait at their salon. and there seemed to be a bored stylist strolling around with pretty hair, so i figured, i’d ask the question on everybody’s mind:

“how much do you guys charge for a hair cut?”

ive discovered over the years that’s it best to just throw it all out there when dealing with stylists and prices because otherwise they trick you into things. i.e. do you want me to blow dry your hair? me: yes. them when they finish: that’ll be $15 extra dollars. me: what the frick?! for a blow dry?

basically this means i just ask “how much does that cost?” any time they ask me any sort of questions. stylist: do you want me do layers? me: how much does that cost? stylist: do you extra conditioner? me: how much does that cost? stylist: do you want a magazine to read under the blow dryer? me: how much does that cost?

long story short, i was convinced not only to get face-framing layers, but also TONS ‘O BLOND!

a. it’s summer. b. my friend bronson, who’d only ever seen me as a blond recently lamented that i used to have pretty blond hair in such a way that made me think that i probably looked better with blond hair. and c. it’s summer.

however, my bill for this procedure made me feel pretty freaking guilty, so in other news i have also decided to give my full efforts to the whole vegan thing again. and you know. the blond hair (which im sure was done with MANY, MANY products tested on animals) will impose guilt that will remind me to stick with it.

also, i was praying about it and im pretty sure that recent events including, but not limited to: a. TLC airing the episode of “What not to wear” where stacy and clinton make over a vegan last night while i was watching tlc and B. this article about vegan was on newsweek’s homepage, means that the almighty is on board with this.

im hoping the fact that i have been taken a super vegan vitamin with both iron AND b12 for a few months will help combat that whole dizzy thing i dealt with last time. the plan is to take it not “one day at a time,” but “one meal at a time.”

thoughts on breakfast?

UPDATE: I don’t want this post to be interrupted to mean that I’m just trying the vegan thing out of guilt. I really, really believe in veganism. I believe that our bodies weren’t meant to process dairy. I believe that farming and ranching industry is gosh awful to the living creatures it raises. And I believe that it’s just all around better for me. I just also know that it’s not going to be easy, so I need to have some additional motivation to get through the first 30 days.

does this mean i can finally ask penelope trunk to connect on LinkedIn without looking crazy? / lessons in marketing

Published: March 3, 2009 / Updated: March 3, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, long

holy mocha do people have some strong emotions about starbucks.

i sit around thinking about my blog all day long, trying to come up with clever ways to spin my tales, and it ends up being the post i write in six and a half minutes about starbucks needing to grow up and get free wifi that garners attention.

ok. let me back up a second. see, because im addicted to online networking (see here) and because i have an unhealthy fascination with Penelope Trunk, i joined brazen careerist a while ago, which aside from having the great honor of being THE hardest url to spell in all the world, also connects you to people. I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to connect you to potential employers, but I don’t really understand that. so instead, i use it to spread my blog around the globe ( aka, give a full rss feed of my work to the site for free in hopes that maybe, someday, three people will click over to my actual blog).

i was under the impression that my posts disappeared into oblivion and that it was just another failed attempt to get the word out about how awesome i am, but alas, the folks at brazen careerist had other plans. yesterday, they randomly decided to feature my post about starbucks on the home page.

i was so happy that i took a screen shot and saved it to my desktop. but then. THEN, people started to explain to me how much of an idiot i was. Here’s a link to the starbucks post on brazen careerist, where you can view the comments in their entirety. don’t get me wrong, i pretty much think im an idiot all the time. but it was weird to have random peopled deciding that they thought i was stupid enough that they MUST, in an effort to save humankind itself, take the time express their disgust in my decisions so that maybe, hopefully, i will one day fix my evil ways and CHANGE!

don’t fret. for those of you too lazy to click over, i have decided to include a couple of the comments below:

so… you’re complaining because “free stuff” isn’t perfectly convenient and because *you* didn’t bother to take the time to read up the fine print? oh wait… didn’t those people who signed up for sub-prime mortgages do the same thing?

wow. that man just compared me to people who got bad mortgages. for the record, my credit is so far beyond repair that i really don’t think it’s fair to the people who could qualify for ANY kind of mortgage to be compared to me.

AND

Is it just me, or did this entire post just seem like an internet tantrum?

nope. not just you. that’s exactly what it was. i had NO freaking idea it was going to be a featured post on brazen careerist. if i had, i a. would have capitalized at least a FEW of the words, and b. would have presented less of a tantrum and more of a coherent argument.

AND (from the same commenter who said it was a tantrum)

Starbucks is not required to uphold your ridiculous fantasy of what the overly-trendy-yet-still-totally-“unique” coffee shop chain SHOULD be. They’re a business, as others above me have said, and are going to try to make as much money as possible. I’ve never heard it said that Starbucks offered free wifi, and why should they?

to be fair, a majority of the commenters seemed to sympathize with my plight:

Starbucks always had this arrangement. However, I agree with you that it is super annoying. Ever other coffee shop and restaurant on the planet is starting to offer free wi-fi, I don’t know why Starbucks thinks they are any more special.

AND

“It’s not a fun time.” Haha, at least their employees are empathetic. Don’t worry, I did this exact same thing one day last summer.

anywho, i have a learned a few things from this experience. A. all my posts should have the word starbucks in the title, just in case featured posts are chosen based on a list of pre-determined words. B. i need to start back linking like a crazy person in case this happens again. that way people will find it easy to read my other work. c. in the online world, what sticks and what doesn’t has nothing to do with talent, and everything to do with how controversial your topic is.

and for those interested, i have taken my coffee business elsewhere. to a lovely, magical place where the wifi is ALWAYS free, the soup comes in bowls made from BREAD! and there’s plenty of booths to spread out on. that’s right, i have become a super loyal panera bread patron.