im cool – Page 38 – The only certainty is bad grammar

wait? they have to stick WHAT into WHERE?

Published: January 6, 2009 / Updated: January 7, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool

Go watch this:

3D Medical Animation: Gallbladder Removal Surgery due to Gallstones

(I tried to put in in the post, but couldn’t figure out how. tips on that are welcome).

So ya. I’m kinda tired of everyone being all “ohhhhh, gallbladder surgery? that’s EASY.” easy compared to WHAT? people? easy compared to brain surgery? well duh. EVERYTHING Is freaking easier than that. or do you mean easy compared to running a mile? oh. no? not THAT easy. well then why the frick are you even USING the word “easy”

For those of you who don’t know, after going to the er three freaking times during gallstone attacks over the last few months, i am finally getting my gallbladder taken out Thursday. I have never had surgery before, so i have spent the last week freaking myself out by watching episodes of house, scrubs and grey’s anatomy which feature people dying during routine surgeries, such as gallbaldder removal.

because my dad loves me and wants to calm my nerves, he sent me the above linked video, which only served to tell me new terrifying things about my upcoming surgery.

my understanding of the situation (based on information from mr. google, dr. judy and ms. you tube) is as follows:

a. my iv will have to be inserted in my hand. YES. HAND! which is mainly bones, so I’m not too sure how the heck THAT is going to go down.

b. they will have to make four (yes FOUR) cuts into my stomach that go down through to my gallbladder. and then they will have to give me internal stitches. what the heck do those even FEEL like?

c. if i so much as swallow water while brushing my teeth the morning of the surgery, i will throw up.

d. they have to put air under my lung to lift it up. that’s just freaking weird.

e. speaking of lungs, they also have to stick a tube down my throat. eck.

f. they only put me in a “light sleep,” which is how i am able to leave the same day. and just in case that doesn’t hold, they also “shut off my brain”, but you know, just in case BOTH of those don’t work, I’m also given a medication that shuts off my memory in case i wake up during the surgery. I’m told there is about a 0 percent chance that will happen, but I don’t understand why if there is a 0 percent chance that will happen they have to give me the memory-blocking serum in the first place? the whole thing seems kinda fishy to me.

g. they suck my gallbladder out by putting it in a sack. ick.

h. the surgeons will take pictures of the procedure, which i can look at later. if i look thin and stuff, maybe i will try to post them here. because hey, that’s what blogs are for. right?

anywho, wish me luck! i’m going to try to do a few “future” timed posts so that my blog won’t be bare for the weekend and such. that means, if you see a post on commentary sucking on the 30rock season one dvd, i did not in fact write it from the hospital. rather, i wrote it from the past.

UPDATE: Got swamped at work today, no time to write any future posts. will try to post Friday though, and plan to twitter all day tomorrow. Pray for me and my gallbladder!

because i’d like to be cliche and write about the new year too. ok. gawd.

Published: January 2, 2009 / Updated: January 5, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, Johnny Depp

I stole the below from mandy. (note: i straight jacked it from her site old-school style with some copy and paste, but i cannot freaking format it for my blog, and the font seems to get smaller as you go down. sorry about that) (to clarify, i straight jacked the QUESTIONS. not the answers. gawd. im not a plagiarizer. hello!). it was either this or an update on my car smelling funny. so enjoy:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

met johnny depp. and yes, i do still get daily google alerts that tell me every article the name depp appears in every.single.day.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

hmm. don’t really think i had one. i tend to prefer birthday resolutions, because they’re more personal and align with an actual significant date in my life.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My friend erin had baby alice. but seeing as how my only contact with her since i left my old job has been blog-stalking the crap out of her, im not sure that counts as “anyone close”

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Thank. You. God.

5. What countries did you visit?

I went to Wisconsin. That’s kinda like a whole different country. where everyone lives on cheese and packers.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

a lap top (just a reminder, to donate to crystal’s laptop fund, click on “contact me” and send me an e-mail I accept checks, cash collectible stamps).

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

nov. 4. there was a lot of talk about some guy named obama that day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

does meeting johnny depp count as an achievement? no. oh. umm, well i started this blog. and finally moved to chicagoland. and umm, was vegan for about 5 months. ya. see. i was vegan. i DID have an achievement. (phew).

9. What was your biggest failure?

we’ll go with avoiding my student loan payments. someday, i’ll tell you all the story of how i seriously created a mountain of debt for myself by taking out the max student loans every year during college, and then just hit ignore on my phone for about 6 months when the people from nel net called to ask where their money was.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

hot d*mn do gallstones suck.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

my blog domain — with hosting that came to about $47 i believe.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

again, i get the feeling i should talk about that obama guy here.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

stupid, stupid, stupid bears. they threw away the play-offs by ONE TOUCHDOWN!

14. Where did most of your money go?

moving twice. and taco bell (see domain url to fully appreciate my love and commitment to said “taco bell”)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

part a: meeting johnny depp. and stalking johnny depp. and watching johnny depp movies.

part b: oh. and back in reality, im not going to lie, i got really, really excited when i met that guy at a wedding in September. it didn’t work out, but at the time, i was really, really happy.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

“I’m not going to write you a love song” by sara bareilles. and i would again like to thank april for taking me to her concert!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:?
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?

happier. ish.

same. although i went down and then came back up during the whole vegan thing.

richer. last year i didn’t even have a couch or a bed, this year i live in a house with an attached garage and a dishwasher.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

hmm. i don’t know.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

stressing out. and getting the resulting grey hairs.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

at sandy and glen’s house. my favorite way.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

see question 15. part b. true story.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

mad men. and 30 Rock.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

yes.

24. What was the best book you read?

living biblically. by a.j.jacobs.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

sara bareilles

26. What did you want and get?

to live in chicagoland.

27. What did you want and not get?

again, see question 15, part b.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

changling. seriously. although i seem to be the only who thinks this. but later, i will write a post about it, and then tell all of you to go see it.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

it was a perfect day. i went to olive garden with my mom and sister and then to a sara bareilles concert at night with april. i turned 25, but my stupid car insurance rates didn’t go down. they actually went up. 🙁

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

winning the lottery.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

whatever i can afford. and then i wear it like 4 days in a row because i work with just one other person in an office and we hardly cross paths, so i figure nobody notices.

32. What kept you sane?

God.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

ok. if you can’t answer this one, you have NOT been paying attention. (hit, names rhymes with lonny lepp).

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

what michelle obama was wearing. (yes. that’s a joke. you can laugh rather than think im stupid).

35. Who do you miss?

see question 15 part b and here, because i miss them both.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

does johnny depp count? what? no? oh. well, ok. then. gawd. we’ll go with jill and diana then, seeing as how i basically live with both of them and neither seems to notice my decision to wear the same pants three days a week.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

that when someone tells you they are a sixth-generation resident, do NOT under any circumstances accidently say they are a third-generation resident in any sort of article. also, that being vegan is really hard, and that when you’re sick you should just suck it up and go to the doctor.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s make or break in this
Is that why you wanted a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s make or break in this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay

bet you can’t guess which song that’s from 😉

Best Wishes in 2009!

it’s official: if you email me on match.com, i won’t be able to read it…

Published: December 28, 2008 / Updated: January 2, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

actually. i will. until Jan. 6. But after that my subscription expires. it was a fun two months don’t get me wrong. i went on six first dates and five of them paid for my dinner, so i figured i’ve recouped my losses.

but, here’s the thing. with real dating, when you meet someone, the most enchanting part is when they pick you. for some reason, they see you in a club, or at a wedding, or in the cheese aisle, or at the office water dispenser, and of all the girls in all the world, they pick you. to talk to. or kiss. or hug. and that’s my favorite part of dating.

but when you meet someone online, they pick a picture of you. and no matter how accurate the picture is, and how clever your profile is, it can’t possibly capture your essence. so that person has to set out to figure that out over dinner. but on that first date, they’re aren’t really picking you out of a crowded room. instead, they’re seeing if they WANT to pick you, and they’re comparing you against all the girls in all the world. and what’s the fun in that? then it turns from a date to a job interview, and i’ll just level with you. bad job interviews suck about 20 minutes in.

im sick of the fake conversation. and the awkwardly asking if they want me to split the bill. and the stress of trying to pick a restaurant in between our two houses. and the fear that the guy could in fact turn out to be a mass murderer.

im not going to pretend to be one of those 20-something girls who’s happy about being single. but im not going to pretend online dating is my thing either. so for now, i’ll just keep my $34.99 a month, and see what fate sends my way. maybe, i’ll check back in with the whole online dating thing in a few months, or a few years. or better yet, maybe i won’t have to. wouldn’t that be nice?