The only certainty is bad grammar

So I know I know, all you naive people out there are thinking ‘she’s a journalist at a REAL newspaper, she must make a TON of money.’ Well, here’s my confession: they basically pay me with Monopoly money. And I really love what I do, but these weird things called bills keep showing up in my mailbox EVERY month ( I know, you’d think they’d at least give you January off) and they want me to PAY them and I don’t know if you know this about me but when I moved to Wisconsin I had to sell all my furniture, so my living room set currently consists of an air mattress.

All of this led me to believe that I should apply for a second job (couches seem to be more important than I once thought). So I figured, with my MASTER’S degree and all, this would be no problem. I immediately decided against waitressing because I hate waitressing (little known fact: waitresses spend most of their shift rolling silverware in disposable napkins so that you can unroll it 5 min later and leave a $3 tip.) I also decided against working at Google, because there is no Google in my town. Then I had a great horrible idea. Duh, i could apply at my old stomping grounds — Wal-Mart! I did work there for five years when I was in high school and college. I do know how to bag and zone pretty well. I know they give a 10 percent discount to their employees. The list of wonderful things about this goes on, but I won’t bore you.

So, one snowy Tuesday afternoon I went into the local Wal-Mart and started filling out the SERIOUSLY long application. I’m telling you they wanted to know more about me than my Gyno. And then, after about 25 minutes, I got through the first of SEVEN sections. At this point they asked me to list ALL the information about ALL the jobs I’ve had for the last TEN years. Um, i’ve only been a member of the working world for eight years, and I’ve had like 56 jobs. Even so, I started this process with the intention of listing every place I’ve ever worked for. and their address. and their phone number. and what my job duties were … .Then I finished the second job and gave up. and I clicked yes when asked if I had IN FACT list ALL my jobs for the last TEN years.

After about an hour I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel — I had reached section 7, a.k.a. the part of the application where they ask you the same question in 15 different ways. i.e. do people like you? do people say they like you? are you likable? ect. ect. On the last page they asked me how many jobs I’d had in the last five years. (I’ve had 6). And because I’m the worst liar EVER, I clicked six, even though I had clearly said I’d only worked at TWO places for the last TEN years a few sections back. I was hoping whoever read my application would scan over that part. I’m thinking they didn’t though.

See, I put down some references and one of those references called me and said Wal-Mart had called and I was thinking i would therefore be a shoe-in for an interview sometime soon. But seeing as how my local Wal-Mart has yet to call me more than a week later, I’m now thinking I’m not going to be interviewing with them. 🙁

But it’s ok, because I don’t really NEED to pay my student loan every month, right? It’s not like they can repossess KNOWLEDGE. right? right.

So I know I know, all you naive people out there are thinking ‘she’s a journalist at a REAL newspaper, she must make a TON of money.’ Well, here’s my confession: they basically pay me with Monopoly money. And I really love what I do, but these weird things called bills keep showing up in my mailbox EVERY month ( I know, you’d think they’d at least give you January off) and they want me to PAY them and I don’t know if you know this about me but when I moved to Wisconsin I had to sell all my furniture, so my living room set currently consists of an air mattress.

All of this led me to believe that I should apply for a second job (couches seem to be more important than I once thought). So I figured, with my MASTER’S degree and all, this would be no problem. I immediately decided against waitressing because I hate waitressing (little known fact: waitresses spend most of their shift rolling silverware in disposable napkins so that you can unroll it 5 min later and leave a $3 tip.) I also decided against working at Google, because there is no Google in my town. Then I had a great horrible idea. Duh, i could apply at my old stomping grounds — Wal-Mart! I did work there for five years when I was in high school and college. I do know how to bag and zone pretty well. I know they give a 10 percent discount to their employees. The list of wonderful things about this goes on, but I won’t bore you.

So, one snowy Tuesday afternoon I went into the local Wal-Mart and started filling out the SERIOUSLY long application. I’m telling you they wanted to know more about me than my Gyno. And then, after about 25 minutes, I got through the first of SEVEN sections. At this point they asked me to list ALL the information about ALL the jobs I’ve had for the last TEN years. Um, i’ve only been a member of the working world for eight years, and I’ve had like 56 jobs. Even so, I started this process with the intention of listing every place I’ve ever worked for. and their address. and their phone number. and what my job duties were … .Then I finished the second job and gave up. and I clicked yes when asked if I had IN FACT list ALL my jobs for the last TEN years.

After about an hour I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel — I had reached section 7, a.k.a. the part of the application where they ask you the same question in 15 different ways. i.e. do people like you? do people say they like you? are you likable? ect. ect. On the last page they asked me how many jobs I’d had in the last five years. (I’ve had 6). And because I’m the worst liar EVER, I clicked six, even though I had clearly said I’d only worked at TWO places for the last TEN years a few sections back. I was hoping whoever read my application would scan over that part. I’m thinking they didn’t though.

See, I put down some references and one of those references called me and said Wal-Mart had called and I was thinking i would therefore be a shoe-in for an interview sometime soon. But seeing as how my local Wal-Mart has yet to call me more than a week later, I’m now thinking I’m not going to be interviewing with them. 🙁

But it’s ok, because I don’t really NEED to pay my student loan every month, right? It’s not like they can repossess KNOWLEDGE. right? right.