The only certainty is bad grammar

My name is Crystal and I’m a blogaholic.

I just started this stupid blog like a week ago and all I want to do is check how many hits I’ve had. every day, all day, i check my hits. 651. YES! 652. WO WO! 658! OMG, it went up SIX HITS!

I figured out how to monitor it on my phone and, well, that was a stupid thing for me to figure how to monitor on my phone. then I hit 666. crap. someone. please click my blog. please. please… YAY! 667!. I used to think shameless self promotion was shameless, but NOW I’m thinking of having business cards printed up with my blog address on them. really. I am. I want EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE to read my blog EVERYDAY. and if I was a little bit cooler, I would be writing posts ALL. THE. TIME. if only i was independently wealthy… hmm. where did I put that lottery ticket? crap. I gave it to my stupid awesome brother.  Shoot. now how will i become independently wealthy enough to blog all day?  (No, I CANT get rich being a journalist, i ALREADY tired that.) 

I’ve got it. Ok. who needs a kidney??? I don’t drink that much, and ya, I kind of take like 4-10 advil a day, (what? i get headaches) but i think that’s really more of a problem for my liver and I think kidneys are going for AT LEAST $100 now, and if I invest that (say in some lottery tickets) I could probably make enough to quit my job and blog all through the day. I’m really good at the lottery, so this plan is kind of like fail-proof. Just let me know if you need a kidney, because have I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU.

and tell your friends about my blog, becuase I really want to get just one more hit before I got to bed. just one more. I swear. and then I’ll be able to go to sleep.  

My name is Crystal and I’m a blogaholic.

I just started this stupid blog like a week ago and all I want to do is check how many hits I’ve had. every day, all day, i check my hits. 651. YES! 652. WO WO! 658! OMG, it went up SIX HITS!

I figured out how to monitor it on my phone and, well, that was a stupid thing for me to figure how to monitor on my phone. then I hit 666. crap. someone. please click my blog. please. please… YAY! 667!. I used to think shameless self promotion was shameless, but NOW I’m thinking of having business cards printed up with my blog address on them. really. I am. I want EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE to read my blog EVERYDAY. and if I was a little bit cooler, I would be writing posts ALL. THE. TIME. if only i was independently wealthy… hmm. where did I put that lottery ticket? crap. I gave it to my stupid awesome brother.  Shoot. now how will i become independently wealthy enough to blog all day?  (No, I CANT get rich being a journalist, i ALREADY tired that.) 

I’ve got it. Ok. who needs a kidney??? I don’t drink that much, and ya, I kind of take like 4-10 advil a day, (what? i get headaches) but i think that’s really more of a problem for my liver and I think kidneys are going for AT LEAST $100 now, and if I invest that (say in some lottery tickets) I could probably make enough to quit my job and blog all through the day. I’m really good at the lottery, so this plan is kind of like fail-proof. Just let me know if you need a kidney, because have I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU.

and tell your friends about my blog, becuase I really want to get just one more hit before I got to bed. just one more. I swear. and then I’ll be able to go to sleep.  

editor’s note: I’m not going to specify who I’m supporting (if you’ve ever met me, you know) just in case I have to cover an event where this person is. seeing as how im the paper’s public affairs reporter and all.  

About three years ago, i picked out who i wanted to be for president — and then i prayed every night that this person WOULD run, and because me and God are tight, my plan totally worked.  

After he/she announced they’d be running, I immediately got on the candidate’s e-mail list. And yes, i was living in Iowa at the time so for a few months he/she was only e-mailing me because he/she thought i might caucus for him/her. and maybe i failed to tell this person that I had kind of moved to a state that no longer mattered in the primaries, but i thought (based on his/her long emails that started with “Dear Friend”) that he/she and i had formed a real bond, so such details shouldn’t matter. Then, after the Iowa caucus the candidate kept sending me e-mails. That’s when I knew for sure he/she and I had something that was real — or at least i thought we did.  

But lately, the tone of the e-mails has changed. and for some reason, at the bottom of every one of them is a button labeled ‘donate.’ Which I can’t do, a: because i have no money and b: because I don’t want my name to appear on moneyline. And I really want to explain that to him/her but below the donate button, there’s a sentance explaining that I shouldn’t try to reply to the address — which seems weird for a “friend” to say.

I haven’t like given up on him/her yet, but the whole relationship does seem to be taking a turn for the worse. I’m sure that when he/she gets elected though, all this will stop. I mean he/she only needs some money to get him/her through the next primary, and after that everything will be fine… right? right.