sh*tty things that happen to me – Page 12 – The only certainty is bad grammar

i wish i had one of those money tree things.

Published: July 26, 2009 / Updated: July 28, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

if my optimistic calculations are correct, i have exactly $5. 47 to get me to Friday.

I had $6.47, but I felt I should give at least a dollar to the church offering. so ya.

im not trying to sound depressing, or suggesting i need donations. really. im not.

im just hoping that one day i can look back on this post and be all ‘ya me, im a millionaire now. i was so broke in my 20s. but luckily i got super rich since then.’

plans for becoming rich include (but are not limited to): getting my blog mentioned on oprah, marrying “rich” (aka, someone who makes more than $38,000 annually), and, umm. ya. that’s all i’ve got.

don’t worry though, i’ve got like food and stuff. i mean, i spent parts of my pay check at the grocery story like a responsible person and whatnot. and i’ve got half a tank of gas, so as long as i don’t have to drive anywhere besides work, i’ll be good.

you might be like, ‘crystal, why are you so broke? i thought you had a master’s degree and a grown-up job?’

well, i do. i do. but unfortunately, this whole journalism thing doesn’t pay as well as i’d hoped.

also, i decided to spend $125 to get my hair dyed on this pay check.

im told that in normal-people land, $125 is chunk change. but for me it was ALL of my change.

alas, my hair DOES look splendid, but im pretty sure it would have been smarter to just let the roots show. i mean, they weren’t THAT bad. right?

well, anyway, hindsight, 20/20, you know.

and don’t worry, im trying harder to budget and stuff. it’s just hard because i don’t really have money to budget.

so ya.

now excuse me while i fantasize about the day i’ll have enough money to go to taco bell again.

that sucked

July 19, 2009 Crystal humor, sh*tty things that happen to me, short

called my friend tom today.

and i was all “hey, how are you? are you busy?

and he was all, “no. why?”

and i was all, “oh. i was just thinking about you.”

and then he was all, “you were? you were thinking about me? why?”

and then i realized i called the wrong tom.

awk-ward.

secular prayers

Published: July 16, 2009 / Updated: July 16, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, long, sh*tty things that happen to me

my friend tom loewy has taken to saying secular prayers for me. whatever the crap that means.

i mean, if you’re going to take the time to close your eyes and think nice thoughts about someone, i’d think it wouldn’t be much harder to add a “Dear God,” at the front end and an “Amen” on the other side just to make sure all the paperwork is in order.

but whatever. i guess he’s just stubborn like that. and don’t get me wrong, it’s not that i don’t appreciate the efforts.

God knows i could use the help right now. i know God knows, because I actually do take the time to address my thoughts to him and then close with a solid “In Jesus name.”

i mean it’s not like im in any sort of trouble. or have anything particularly bad going on.

just the average crap the world throws at you here folks. not enough money, family drama, no love life, self-esteem issues, stress at work.

you know.

oh. and that strange feeling when i think about how i’ll be 26 in a matter of weeks and i still feel like i haven’t gotten my shyte together yet.

so like i said, i’ll take the secular prayers if that’s what he’s offering.

don’t get me wrong, i do try to take the time to see how far i’ve come. to look around and notice that im not, in fact, the same person i was when i was 17.

i have a real job. and live in real home (granted it’s not really MY home). i have a master’s degree, which i still argue is a small measure of success despite the fact that i will be paying it off until i die and then im pretty sure my family will just have to cash in whatever life insurance i have and use it to pay the rest, while they bury me in the newly discounted plots at Burr Oak.

oh. and also i’ve come a long way in realizing what types of guys i DON’T want to date.

that’s can’t be bad right?

for instance, remember that guy i wrote the letter to in high school? where i used statistics to deter his advances. well, i looked him on facebook.

and friended him.

people i was CURIOUS and his profile was private, what was i supposed to do? so just lay off.

anywho, he actually called me. on wednesday. at 6:17 a.m.

to say hello.

AT 6:17 AM!

he wanted to tell me that he was happy i was friends with him on facebook now. im not going to sugar coat this guys, i was kind of a biotch about the whole thing seeing as how IT WAS 6:17 IN THE MORNING AND THERE WAS NO APPARENT EMERGENCY, NEWS OR OTHERWISE! and i hung up after explaining that maybe he could call me after say 9 AM!

see. see how far i’ve come.

because we all know that when i was 17, i would have found a way to see him right then. i would have been so happy that a boy was giving me attention that i would have stolen the keys to my dad’s van and driven out to meet him that very morning.

alas, though, i still have a ways to go. i still have a lot of life’s things to get in order and figure out.

so like i’ve been saying, i’ll take whatever prayers i can get. even those of a secular nature.