sh*tty things that happen to me – Page 6 – The only certainty is bad grammar

Tripped up

December 18, 2010 Crystal exercise, humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

I’m pretty sure I could gain an easy 50 to 98 pounds working at the candy magazine.

My first day, I gained like six.

Dudes, literally like a couple hours in, my new boss called me into his office and I was worried for half a minute that my first column sucked or something, but all he wanted to do was give me four packages of free candy to try. And it was delicious.

Too delicious.

My plan right now is to give up soda so that I can balance things out, but that didn’t work so well today because I ended up having that very same free candy for breakfast, and then I had a Coke with dinner.

I also was planning to join a gym today, but it actually ended up being a really good thing I didn’t because as I was running (yes, literally running because I was COLD) into Target to buy bows and wrapping paper I tripped on nothing and sprained my ankle like a mofo.

I was trying to just walk it off because you know, a girl’s gotta shop, but then I sat on the display futon and took off my boot and I realized that my ankle was the size of a tennis ball. I cried a little on the inside at that point. But, ya, in conclusion, I obviously wouldn’t have even been able to go to the gym for like a week anyway.

Right now, I’m on Vicodin, which I had left over from when I had my gall bladder out, and I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of out of it. In a fun way, but still. I just finished writing out all the Christmas cards for my youth group, and I’m really hoping I spelled everyone’s name right and that I didn’t say anything too crazy.

Speaking of holiday cards, if you are among the four that sent one my way, thank you much!!

And to everyone who reads my blog, have yourself a merry little Christmas day.

How to make a bad week worse

Published: October 16, 2010 / Updated: October 16, 2010 Crystal god, humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

I bounced my tithe check.

There. I said it. It’s out there. I’m a horrible human being.

I can’t even clear a check to God.

What is WRONG with me?

To make a short story long, it all started when my car decided to puke all over my life and then fart in my face, and so I had to give a mechanic $450. This was all right though because I had $551 in my bank account — $50 of that was for my tithe check, and the other $51 was to live on.

I was flying high have myself a Big and Rich time with all my spare change, but then, I got stupid. I decided to use some of my $51 to put gas in the loner car I had from the mechanic and to eat.

And then, after a series of events involving a hose, steering fluid, and a lack of parts in the warehouse, my mechanic said he was going to be done with my car on Tuesday, but then he couldn’t finish till Wednesday.

And, he tried to be nice and give me a rental car, which he assured me would not cost me a thing. Except the rental car place made me give them a $50 deposit (the amount of my tithe check). They told me it would be put into my account as fast as it was taken out, and seeing as how they took it out in like 3 seconds, I went with it.

Dumb. Idea.

So then, of course it took like 2.5 days for the $50 to go back into my account and in that 2.5 days my tithe check went through. Of course.

OF. COURSE.

And I thought for about four minutes that the bank was going to be nice and pay it and just charge me $32 for the mishap. But no, no. My credit isn’t good enough to earn services like that. So instead, the bank just sent the check back to the church and decided that for its trouble it should charge me $32 anyway.

And now, I have to explain to my pastor at the church where I work that I really am a decent human being and I don’t suck at life and that I will now be giving all of my future donations in cash.

On the upside, I’m pretty sure one of the Bible’s big themes is forgiveness.

My car doesn’t shake, grind, or stall anymore.

October 13, 2010 Crystal humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

First the good news. My car is totally safe for children and other living things now. So, umm, YAY!

Now, the horrible, craptastic news. It cost me like $3 million to get it that way. Credit where credit’s due, the mechanic I went to is a blessed man. He did a lot for me so he didn’t have to send me on my way in a car that would probably disconnect from itself mid-highway and kill me and anything else in a 10-foot radius.

But ya, like I said, $3 million. Pretty much name a thing on a car, and then put the word “broken” in front of it, and that’s MY car.

It all started on a sunny October day when I decided the fact that my breaks were grinding probably meant I should finally take my car to a real mechanic as opposed to the guys at Farm and Fleet. And well, it was all downhill from there. Pun intended.

Turned out I needed a new set of breaks, two new tires (my old ones were literally splitting apart), new ball bearings, and like 4 other things. Also, all my break lights were out.

So, I got the work done and turned over all of my life savings to the man. And then, on a handshake and a prayer, the mechanic decided to let me pay for the rest of the work in monthly payments, which would be a silver lining if I didn’t have to pay the man so much stupid money.

Ug. I HATE car repairs.

I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.

I HATE THEM!!!

I cried about the whole thing a little yesterday, but then I pulled myself together, got a good night’s sleep, and put everything in perspective – for a relatively small price my car now won’t kill anyone.

And, I’m sure like 70 percent of you are out there screaming, “Crystal, GET A NEW CAR!” And I have just 3.5 words for you: want to co-sign?

I have to admit, it is nice that my car doesn’t shake all time anymore, and that I’m not as worried about it stalling at stop lights, and that it doesn’t make a horrible grinding sound every time I stop. It’s nice. Sure, I still need a new starter, my check engine light is still on, and the side mirror is still connected with black duct tape. But like I said, it’s totally safe now!

Yay.