The only certainty is bad grammar

My brother started reading the Bible. True story.

This is a miracle equivalent to feeding 5,000 people, or a $500 bank error in your favor, or finding out there’s no line on the Raging Bull AND Vertical Velocity at Great America.

Basically, I’m pretty excited about it.

It all started when we all just chilin’ at a Christian books store like a month ago, and I was like, “We should get him a Bible.” And then the clerk was all, “We have The Message New Testament on sale for $9.99.”

The Message is a really (really!) contemporary translation, which I thought he might like, so I was all “YEAH BUDDY!”. To give you an idea of how contemporary it is, regular John 3:16 is like this:

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

In The Message, it’s like this:

“This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life.”

So ya, a little different. And I thought it would perfect for him.  But then he was all, “Nah, don’t buy it for me, I’m not going to read it.”‘

Now, I’m going to go for a second into what some people call the “crazy Christian” territory here, but I really think that was the devil trying to work against us.

And I was all, “No, just buy it for him. It’s 10 bucks. Maybe he won’t read it now, but maybe it will sit on his bookshelf for a year or two years or a decade and then one day he’ll just open it up and it’ll change his life.”

So my mom bought for him.

And when he got home, he opened it up and read almost the entire book of Matthew. And then, he took it home and kept reading. And I’m told he’s finished with the Corinthians now.

He says he’s still not sure about all this “church stuff” but he’s definitely thinking about his eternal soul now. The whole thing makes me tear up.

I keep praying that the words will touch his soul, but then I remember that you can’t read the Bible and have it NOT touch your soul.

So now I’m just praying I’ll be able to guide him through the Book of Revelation, which I’m assuming will be more challenging than just handing him the “Left Behind” book.

So, the 5k race not only did not suck, it was also kind of awesome.

I ran a my very first 5k this morning, and before you even ask, that’s 3.1 miles and I finished in 42 minutes. (HOLLA!!)

My goal was to finish in less than 45 minutes, because that’s where I’ve been at in my training runs (Ya, that’s right, I use cool phrases like “training runs” now). But then, the adrenalin was totally real, and my pace was jacked because there was like 200 other runners, so I ended up finishing the first mile in 12 minutes (see: miracle). And then, by the second mile, I was at 27 min.

And then, the last mile wasn’t even that awful. Mostly, I’m guessing, because two of the other runners from my group came back to run with me across the finish line, which was seriously the most awesome thing ever. And ya, a little bit of throw up came up my throat when I finished, but holla! I FINISHED!!! IN 42 MINUTES!!!

It was seriously so fun. And one of the guys in our group said I was glowing afterward, and he wasn’t even just referring to all the sweat.

Aside from not dying, I’d say the coolest part was at the 1.5 mile mark, where the volunteers handed us cups of water and then we drank them while we ran and then we threw the cups down on the street. That’s totally something real runners do on TV!

Anyway, my goal for next time is to finish in less than 40 minutes. And ya, that’s right, I said “next time.”

Not only was it all super fun, but the people in my little church run/walk group are so awesome to hang out with, that they’re addicting even without the adrenalin.

They cheer me on, and run slow with me during training (well, I run, they sometimes speed walk next to me). And they always say “GOOD JOB!” like they really mean it.

One of the guys even told me today that I’ve gone from “jogger” to “runner” to “racer” now. He was probably just being nice, but I’m just going to go ahead and pretend like he was serious, because it made me feel really happy on the inside.

I hear there’s some sort of Thanksgiving Day race, where runners dress up as Turkeys. Sign me up, YO!

Wearing the number on my shirt, made everything very official. This was the “before.”

This was our whole little church group in the “after,” and that’s me BEAMING from the back. I think I was thinking “I LIVED!!”

Hey there, it has been a hot minute hasn’t it.

Sorry about that folks. It’s been a long hot minute for me though yo, and so for the next two maybe twenty sentences, I just really, really want to throw a pity party for myself. If you aren’t interested in such activities feel free to skip the following three paragraphs.

So, I’m just really, really tired, and I’m broke, and a couple weeks ago I led the youth mission trip for my church, and anyone who’s ever led anything involving 12 teenagers, two vans, 5 hours of sleep a night and one bathroom for 38 girls plus adults, will tell you that it is the single most exhausting thing ever (aside from, I’m assuming, giving birth). It’s also super rewarding and life changing and awesome and more worth it than anything (again, aside from, I’m assuming giving birth), but you just come back feeling like you’ve been wondering around the dessert for 40 days.

(Lookout Mountain, which was more of a hill at the top of its game).

Then, as soon as I got home I tried to dive right back into life, but my body was like OH NO YOU DIDN’T, and I got really sick, and had to take more time off work. Then last week I ran Vacation Bible School, and it too was awesome but also exhausting, and then on Thursday, I totaled my car when I rear-ended someone on I-294 just north of the O’Hare Oasis, and I cried a lot, and the stupid state trooper gave me a $120 ticket because he sucks at life, and then while I waited for the tow truck I had to pee super, super bad, but couldn’t and then debated just using a taco bell cup in my car but didn’t and then I prayed really hard, and finally the tow man arrived and took me to a McDonald’s bathroom.

(For the three of you who haven’t already seen this on my Facebook, this is the “after”).

And then, I had to car shop, which basically, sucks. I’m pretty sure the dealer I went to is shadier than a willow tree, but he gave me Oxycontin or something so I feel in love with a 2006 Toyota Camry that has leather seats and the prettiest black paint you ever saw. And now everyone is trying to tell me to be happy about getting a new car, but really I’m just sad that I had to sign my life/soul away for the next six years for a sunroof and a car that doesn’t require any duck tape.

(She’s so pretty. Also, expensive).

So in conclusion, the mission trip rocked, being sick was my body’s way of screaming, CALM THE CRAP DOWN, Vacation Bible School leaves Christian ear worms in your brain all day, so that you wake up singing “Boom Chicka Boom”, I love my new car/hate my new car payment, and I’m going to hit the pillow early tonight for sure.