Wow – Page 10 – The only certainty is bad grammar

GoDaddy doesn’t suck. Just their commercials do.

Published: February 9, 2010 / Updated: February 9, 2010 Crystal bears, humor, im cool, Johnny Depp, medium, Wow

What makes me saddest about those horrible GoDaddy commercials that try to be porn during the Super Bowl is that GoDaddy is actually a really, really great web hosting company.

Period.

Here’s a look at one of the spots they ran (for the three of you who were watching the puppy bowl instead of the game):

First of all, what the crap does that even say about Web hosting? Nothing. Less than nothing, actually. Second, Danica Patrick is barely even famous. Third, they could have just used ME instead.

I would have even done it for free, as long as they mentioned my blog (think of the CLICKS!!). Obviously it wouldn’t be all porn-like, if it was me in it. (duh). Instead, it would be testimonial style.

I’d tell my [t rue ] story about GoDaddy, which would be inter-cut with B-roll of my blog and me at my laptop in my mario bros. pajama pants.

Picture it:

[Start with me, sitting on a stool in a blank white room, talking to the camera:]

Hi. My name is Crystal Lindell. I’m the creator of the site, “The only certainty is bad grammar.” It’s a blog I run at sevenlayerburritos.com. [Show screen shot of blog, with mouse moving around it].

I started the site a couple years ago on one of those free blog platforms. But in 2008, I decided to take it to the next level and get my own domain.

I decided to use GoDaddy for my hosting services because, well, honestly, they were the only company I knew about. But it’s worked out great, and I’ve been using them ever since. I mean, their prices are amazing, and their technical support, well, let’s just say, I didn’t even know what a server was when I started, but they’ve always been there to help.

In fact, one time, my site wasn’t loading. I guess GoDaddy was having problems with a server or something, and I was getting really frustrated. I actually even sent out a Twitter message that said something like, ‘If GoDaddy doesn’t fix its server soon, I’m going to have to find a new hosting service.’ [Inter-cut shot of the Tweet, or me using Twitter].

Then, within minutes, a GoDaddy support person found the tweet, realized which Web site I ran, found my account and called me. [Maybe play a clip of a GoDaddy calling someone]. I mean, he actually called me on my phone. He said he was the company’s Twitter guy and that he wanted to help fix my problem.

At first, I was a little freaked out, but then I realized this was the real deal. He ended up moving my site over to a blog-specific server that was better able to deal with my archives. Within like an hour, the whole thing was up and running, and it didn’t cost me anything.

I haven’t had any problems since.

Now, I recommend GoDaddy to everyone I know who’s even thinking about starting a site. [show footage me recommending GoDaddy to a hot guy, maybe Johnny Depp, or if Danica is under contract or something, it could even be her].

I know they’ll have some seriously good support, and I wouldn’t want anything less for my friends. [End with a shot of me smiling or laughing or something].

The end.

Now, how could that NOT make you want to go start a web site with GoDaddy, like yesterday? THAT commercial would have been about a ka-jillion times better, and I guarantee it would have gotten people talking because everyone would have been so happy that GoDaddy wasn’t offending every woman ever.

But no, they decided to make a sex scene instead. So, now I have to go around constantly defending the company to my friends, telling them that that stupid spot wasn’t representative of GoDaddy’s service at all.

And that’s just lame.

Heart

Published: February 8, 2010 / Updated: February 8, 2010 Crystal bears, short, Wow

Did anyone really think the Colts– with their ‘We win all the time. It’s no big deal.’ attitude — would beat the Saints — with their ‘We want to literally help rebuild the city we love by winning this game.” attitude?

What’s that? Oh. Pretty much everyone thought Indianapolis was going to win?

I don’t understand why they forgot to factor in heart.

Heart is what makes you do an on-side kick for no reason at all. And it makes you go for it on fourth down, get knocked down and then, minutes later, get back up and get a field goal anyway. It’s what makes you leap when you can’t see where you’re going to land.

Heart can beat anything. Even Payton Manning.

Death and student loans

Published: January 14, 2010 / Updated: January 14, 2010 Crystal humor, long, sh*tty things that happen to me, Wow

Ok. They really need to stop putting “death” right there on the options of ways to “cancel or discharge your student loans.”

I mean, the least they could do would be to include some type of warning, like “please do not attempt to do yourself” or you know, SOMETHING.

But no, it’s just listed there. Right under, “School owes you a refund” and above, “public service employee loan forgiveness.”

I’m just saying, $51,000 is a desperate amount of debt at 26 years old, and people might take the “death” advice the wrong way.

Not me. But other people.

Me – I’ve just decided to live on whatever is cheaper than ramen noodles, thank you very much.

Here’s the thing, I haven’t um, well, I haven’t really been paying off my loans, mostly due to the fact that I enjoy eating. Daily.

Don’t get me wrong, I tried to work with these people, but they’d be all “we need $600 a month” and then I’d be all “I can’t afford that. How’s $50 sound?” and they’d be all “No. We need $600.” So I would pretend like I was all on board and that I could magically get the money.

But I couldn’t.

I’m a journalist. We don’t even make money. We just get free pens and stacks of post-its for our work.

So I wouldn’t pay them anything, and then well, that was kind of like two years ago.

My one friend who knows all this, has been telling me that I need to deal with it. And I knew he was right. I knew the loans were just sitting there like bad Mexican food in my stomach waiting to be vomited up.

But I didn’t know what to do.

Then, I grew up, and talked to my loan company. Which is actually my “whatever the name of the company that takes over for the loan company when your loans are in default” company. And by “grew up and talked to my loan company” I mean, they called me at work and I can’t be having that, so FINE I WILL TRY TO WORK WITH YOU.

I was all on board when the woman was explaining that all I had to do was make nine monthly payments on time and Viola! The loan would come out of default and it would be like it never even happened on my credit report.

But then she told me the payment amount.

“We just need $1,000 today and then a monthly payment of $728.”

My jaw disconnected from my skull and dropped right onto the tile floor.

“Umm, I just explained to you that I have $170 in my checking account.”

“Well that’s what we need.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“Well, why don’t you just call us back on Tuesday and let me know if your finances have changed.”

Seeing as how my scratch ticket was total crap, and that I didn’t manage to marry a wealthy anything on Saturday – they didn’t.

Actually, I take that back. They did change. I spent about $80 on gas and food. Leaving me a solid $90 in the account.

I called back to tell them the news.

“Oh. Yes, well I do realize that $728 was a little high.”

You think?

“How about if I ask if you can do our affordable and reasonable plan?”

I like those words.

“That would be just $364 a month.”

Wait, what do affordable and reasonable mean to you?

“Fine.”

And then she’s all, “OK. Now I just need the first payment and we can get things rolling.”

So I start post-dating my debit transaction over the phone with this woman and whatnot and she’s all “OK, so we’ll charge $728 to your account on Monday then.”

And I’m all “Can’t breathe. Need air. Help.”

“Ya. That’s not going to happen. My take-home pay is about $890 every two weeks, and I have a car payment and a car insurance payment, and a medical bills payment, on this check.”

Five more minutes of her supposedly negotiating with her supervisor go by, and finally I’m told that, LUCKY ME, I can split the first payment in half over a month’s time.

Yay.

I guess.

So that’s my plan right now.

My, “life sucks, and I’ll never have any money ever, and holy cow $51,000 was a lot of money for a couple stupid diplomas that I could have made myself on Photoshop,” plan.

Pretending that – seeing as I how I have no savings at all – I can somehow, after making each of the first two payments, live on $145 for the first two weeks (do-able. ish.) and then, umm, $16 for the next two weeks (less doable), let’s break down how this payment plan will affect my monthly finances once I’m JUST paying the $368 – shall we?

I make $1,820.50 in take-home pay a month.

Subtract: Rent, car payment, car insurance, $17 for Jazzercise (it’s actually $37, but my company pays $20), $100 a month for medical bills and $10 a month for a prescription I take and you’re left with:

$926.50.

Then take away $368 a month for this loan payment.

$558.50.

Then take away $50, fine, $40 a week for gas.

We’re down to: $398.50

Divide that by four, and I’m left with $99.62 a week for food, and um, everything else. Clothes, car repairs, random medical things, tithing, spending money on church activities, buying toilet paper.

Everything.

Maybe I should be embarrassed that I apparently can’t get my crap together enough to either a. somehow get enough money for pay for this or b. live on $99.62 a week. And, maybe I shouldn’t go around broadcasting this for all the Internet world to read.

But it’s there. It’s sitting on my brain all the time as I drive around, or look at Facebook, or pee.

It’s there like a big shining spotlight that reaches every section of my life.

So now it’s here too. Feel free to judge away if it makes you feel better.

As for me, I’m looking into my options, praying every three seconds and hoping the money fairy would just get here already.

Here’s to ramen noodles. And college.