Dear Chicago Bears,
Why do you hate me?
Ok. I understand, this isn’t about ME. But seriously, you’re ruining my precious Sundays.
All right. Fine. I’ll take partial blame for that 104-3 (ish) loss last week. You’re right, I wasn’t watching, and you guys rely on my good-vibes to win these games. I’m sorry about that.
It’s just that I thought checking the score every three seconds via ESPN on my crackberry would be enough. I realize now, that it wasn’t. Umm, dudes, every time I loaded the score the other team had a million new points, and you guys had 3.
In the past, I might have taken this whole thing up with Jay Cutler. After all, he’s supposed to be Jesus Christ in a jersey – it’s in his contract. And his initials.
But I’ve accepted that he’s not. Trust me. He’s proven that over. and over. and over. He’s no where NEAR Jesus. or Favre. Or Manning.
I get it.
But a loss this horrid is on all of you. ALL. OF. YOU.
Call me idealistic, but I tend to believe that any team can get the W next to a game as long as they try hard enough and work together. It’s the American way. Any girl can get any guy. Anybody can become president. And any team can win any game. (See: Super Bowl circ. 2008)
But you weren’t even TRYING Sunday. I watched the lowlights. I know. See, I’m not expecting you to win all the time. I’m just expecting that you’ll keep it within a 30-point spread.
And that means you HAVE to try. Every play. Every drive. Otherwise the other team wins – as you may have noticed.
Now, don’t think I’m giving up on you guys. Far from it. I still have faith in Lovie Smith (with a name like “Lovie” how could I not?) And I still think you have potential. After all, you beat the Steelers and the Steelers beat the almighty Vikings. Basic math tells you that means you could, in theory, one day beat the Vikings. (I kinda hope that one day is two days – Nov. 29 and Dec. 28).
Also, you have some home games coming up, and they’ll be plenty of good vibes to feed off of (which I know you like).
But just in case you were confused as to how this whole football thing works – people start hating you when you lose by anything more than say, 3 points. And I don’t want people to hate you. I want them to love you.
So I will make a commitment to watch every game, if you, in turn, will commit to two simple things: Trying really hard, and drinking Red Bull at the half. And the start. And at the 2-minute warning.
I think it’ll work.
And if not, there’s always next year.
(A little less) love,
p.s. None of this applies to Robbie Gould. He’s still awesome. That is all.