for real this time guys. I’M OVER TWENTY-FREAKING-ONE!

i went out friday night.

and on the way to the very last bar i had to pee. not pee like “oh, i shall use a restroom when it becomes convenient and until then, i’m fine holding it.”

no no.

this was more of a “HOLY CRAP  I MIGHT PEE RIGHT NOW. THIS VERY SECOND. IN MY FRIEND APRIL’S CAR. AND I DON’T EVEN CARE. GET ME TO A BATHROOM NOW!” kinda thing.

and when we got to said bar there was, of course, a line. which almost gave me bladder cancer on the spot.

but alas, i was able to hold it until i got up to the bouncer. and i was all, “here sir. you may have my ID now. look. i am clearly over 21. and the id is real, so i would like to enter and use the ladie’s room if possible.”

but since i look like im 12 and it was a wisconsin ID, he was all, “hmm. i need a second form.”

but last time i went out with april she left my debit card on the sidewalk and only by the grace of the Lord Jesus himself did i get it back the next day, so i no longer bring that when i go with her, so all i had was my blog business cards to show him, which of course i bring everywhere.

and he was like “oh. umm. ok.” but then after looking at them for like three seconds he was like “what the heck are these?! this is not a second form of ID.”

and i was like. UGG! I HAVE TO PEE!!!

and then he was like, “well what’s your zip code?”

but i haven’t lived in wisconsin since 2008, so i couldn’t remember, which i kindly explained to the stupid nice man.

and then he scolded me for not getting my illinois licence yet. and then i was all, it’s because they require a birth certificate, and i can’t find mine. but i know i have it, so im just waiting for it to magically show up under my pillow from the cook county clerk fairy and then i will get my new license.

and i was like, DUDE IT’S ME! LOOK AT THE FREAKING PICTURE. THEN LOOK AT MY FACE. SEE THE PICTURE? SEE MY FACE? IT’S ME! I SWEAR TO GOD IT IS MY ID. I’M CRYSTAL SUE LINDELL. 8/23/83. IT’S ME!!!!!!”

and with a sigh so heavy it could have knocked down the Sears Willis Tower he said “fine. you can go in. but this is your last time.”

and i ran to the bathroom like an olymic sprinter on steroids with expensive running shoes and everything.

and while peeing there on a bar toilet, reading random phone numbers, i thought, wait what? last time? what the heck is that supposed to mean?

umm don’t worry mr. bouncer. i was just using you for your bathroom. i won’t need to come back here again. ever. i shall take my clearly-older-than-21 business elsewhere. stupid jerk.

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Comments (3)

  1. Amber

    Where was this at? Most places now (at least in the Chicago area, it seems) “have” to ask for two forms of ID if you’re from out of state. Or so it seems. I remember going to BDubbs once with a friend who had a cracked ID. That will also make them ask for a second ID. I think they just don’t want to get fined/in trouble with managers/whatever. But, oh well. It’s not like you’re going back to that place anyway.

    Reply
  2. Lyndon

    Wait… You are over 21?

    Reply
  3. SCVegan

    oh, was my phone number on the wall? if not could you put it on the wall next time?

    Reply

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