My Jesus stamp.

Published: March 1, 2010 / Updated: March 1, 2010 Crystal daily photo, god, humor, medium

Saturday night, I made a last-minute decision to go out.

And by last-minute, I mean an old friend had invited me to go out on Saturday night like last week, but he’s notorious for breaking plans, so I didn’t think he’d actually follow through, and then when he did, I was all “Umm, Ok. I guess I can meet up with you.”

But it ended up being mid-night by the time I got to the club and I had to be to church by 9 a.m., so this was kind of a stupid decision.

Some people were like, “just skip church” but youth group leaders can never “just skip church.” So I hunkered down, and told my body that I’d be up all night and then do church and then sleep forever.

I also brought a toothbrush in case I ended up going straight from “friends in Palatine” to “church in Woodstock.”

But then, just in case I was having any doubt whatsoever about making it to church on time, God appeared.

While, actually, it was his son. On my hand.

Everyone’s hand.

It was the bar’s stamp showing you’d paid cover.

What the heck kind of bar does that? It’s like putting calorie counts on French fries, or having a little clock tell you how much of your life you just wasted on Facebook . It’s weird.

I mean, I wasn’t planning to go on some sort of sin rampage or anything, but still.

Seeing the son of God just chilling on my right hand, smiling at me, like he knew something was throwing me off. It was like he was planning to intervene later if needed. And for some reason, he thought it’d be needed.

The bartender tried to claim it was a picture of the DJ, but that made no sense at all, seeing as how there was a BAND playing.

Clearly, I made it to church on time. Early, actually.

IMG00842

– My Jesus stamp.

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for real this time guys. I’M OVER TWENTY-FREAKING-ONE!

Published: August 16, 2009 / Updated: August 16, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

i went out friday night.

and on the way to the very last bar i had to pee. not pee like “oh, i shall use a restroom when it becomes convenient and until then, i’m fine holding it.”

no no.

this was more of a “HOLY CRAP  I MIGHT PEE RIGHT NOW. THIS VERY SECOND. IN MY FRIEND APRIL’S CAR. AND I DON’T EVEN CARE. GET ME TO A BATHROOM NOW!” kinda thing.

and when we got to said bar there was, of course, a line. which almost gave me bladder cancer on the spot.

but alas, i was able to hold it until i got up to the bouncer. and i was all, “here sir. you may have my ID now. look. i am clearly over 21. and the id is real, so i would like to enter and use the ladie’s room if possible.”

but since i look like im 12 and it was a wisconsin ID, he was all, “hmm. i need a second form.”

but last time i went out with april she left my debit card on the sidewalk and only by the grace of the Lord Jesus himself did i get it back the next day, so i no longer bring that when i go with her, so all i had was my blog business cards to show him, which of course i bring everywhere.

and he was like “oh. umm. ok.” but then after looking at them for like three seconds he was like “what the heck are these?! this is not a second form of ID.”

and i was like. UGG! I HAVE TO PEE!!!

and then he was like, “well what’s your zip code?”

but i haven’t lived in wisconsin since 2008, so i couldn’t remember, which i kindly explained to the stupid nice man.

and then he scolded me for not getting my illinois licence yet. and then i was all, it’s because they require a birth certificate, and i can’t find mine. but i know i have it, so im just waiting for it to magically show up under my pillow from the cook county clerk fairy and then i will get my new license.

and i was like, DUDE IT’S ME! LOOK AT THE FREAKING PICTURE. THEN LOOK AT MY FACE. SEE THE PICTURE? SEE MY FACE? IT’S ME! I SWEAR TO GOD IT IS MY ID. I’M CRYSTAL SUE LINDELL. 8/23/83. IT’S ME!!!!!!”

and with a sigh so heavy it could have knocked down the Sears Willis Tower he said “fine. you can go in. but this is your last time.”

and i ran to the bathroom like an olymic sprinter on steroids with expensive running shoes and everything.

and while peeing there on a bar toilet, reading random phone numbers, i thought, wait what? last time? what the heck is that supposed to mean?

umm don’t worry mr. bouncer. i was just using you for your bathroom. i won’t need to come back here again. ever. i shall take my clearly-older-than-21 business elsewhere. stupid jerk.

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