im thinking i would do well at nascar

im a little worried im going to get in a car accident.

for those of you who don’t live in chi-town(land) let me explain how driving in this area works:

i start out my morning by darting across three lanes of traffic so i can get into the left turn lane.

and before you’re all, “what? why don’t you turn at the light, idiot?” THERE IS NO LIGHT! DON’T YOU THINK I ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT!

*deep breath*

basically, i say a prayer to God that all the traffic stops for me, and then i jolt out in front of oncoming cars and close my eyes.

then i block traffic for awhile in the middle lane while i wait for someone to let me into the turn lane.

i figure if i cause a big enough traffic jam, someone eventually will take pity on me.

then i hop into the lane with my loud-a$$ car that TOTALLY needs a new muffler and doesn’t really like accelerating that much and i try to turn left at the light that’s a block ahead.

i usually miss the turn arrow, but if im the first or second car in the row, it is just plain common courtesy for me to turn when the main light turns yellow and oncoming traffic starts to slow down. the people behind me would be seriously pissed if i was all “oh, that’s ok. the light is yellow. that means yield. i’ll just wait for the next arrow.”

i undoubtedly go through at least one red light every day.

im a little worried the cops are going to catch on.

but im a little more worried that they would pull me over if i DIDN’T go through the red light. (you think im kidding. im not)

im usually ok for the next hour or so on my way to work — the occasional sudden stops and tailgating don’t really bother me any more. it turns out my seat belt and my brakes work pretty well.

but then i have to turn into my office.

also no light there.

i again block traffic until someone lets me go into the parking lot.

the problem with this situation is that it usually requires me to pull back OUT of the parking lot at some point.

and unfortunately a light has yet to appear by the end of my shift yet.

sometimes, i fantasize about turning left out of the parking lot, but then i realize that’s like fantasizing about marrying johnny depp.

it’s just a dream that i can keep in my heart till i die.

instead i have to turn right and then go about a mile out of my way to turn around and go in the right direction.

this usually involves a sporadic u-turn at an intersection that is in no way designed for sporadic u-turns.

thankfully, nobody has hit me yet.

sometimes, i get so sick of driving that i decide to walk to the grocery store across the street from my job for lunch.

walking is suppossed to be better in every way, right?

the problem is, i have to cross a four-lane highway to get there.

so i have to jolt out across two lanes of traffic (without the protection of a metal framed-car) and run to the center yellow line.

the line is thinner than me, so i stop breathing while i stand in the middle of the road and wait for the cars coming the other direction in the other two lanes to stop.

then i dart to the grocery store parking lot.

the thing that sucks, is at this point, i have to walk back.

while holding food.

sometimes, the guys who own the nail salon next to my office watch me do this, and im pretty sure they have some sort of drinking game set up where if i die they all take a shot, because every time i live they seem a little disappointed.

i, on the other hand, am ecstatic, seeing as how living is usually the goal for me.

in conclusion: when i grow up, im totally getting a chauffeur. and im only going to walk on treadmills.

just sayin.

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