This whole thing started with a Brazilian accent.
I was dinning at a Brazilian steak house, surrounded by Brazilian Confectioners Association members and a Brazilian man next me was using his magical voice to explain why I should just try the chicken.
For those who have never heard a Brazilian accent before, my heart goes out to you because it’s basically a mix of sexy and vodka.
For those who have never been to a Brazilian steak house before, well, again, my heart goes to you, because it’s basically a gourmet meat buffet where waiters continuously serve you meat. And it is the. best. meat. ever.
So I had all this meat passing around me; and this sexy vodka accent next me explaining that I could just have a bite of the meat and then be a vegetarian again in the morning; and some sort of stronger-than-Hercules Brazilian cocktail in front of me and well, I was no match.
I tried to explain that I had not eaten meat in 10 years and so I should just stick to the salad bar. I tried to tell the man that animals are smart and we shouldn’t eat them. And I tried to stop drinking the cocktail.
I tried. And I failed.
And then, like I had been eating meat all along, I tried the chicken.
Followed by the chicken-wrapped-in-bacon.
Followed by the beef. (I’m such a vegetarian, that I couldn’t even tell you what kind of beef it was or how it was cooked, only that it was brown and delicious).
I had every intention of waking up the next morning a vegetarian. And I did. For about 72 hours. But then the cravings became too much to bear. The “I can’t stop thinking about dead animals on my plate and my mouth is watering at the mention of four-legged creatures, and I really, really, really, just want some meat” cravings.
So a couple days later I dove right in with a grilled chicken sandwich at McDonald’s. Followed by my favorite of all meat dishes — the beef and cheddar croissant at Portillo’s. (Hey, if you’re going to rob a liquor store, you might as well rob a bank, am I right?)
To be fair to the Brazilian though, this all probably actually started a few months ago when I started eating fish. I was tired all the time, and my vitamin D levels were critically low, and really, I just felt like 10 years was long enough to go without tuna pizza.
My best friend said fish was my gate-way drug.
I know that you’re all thinking the same questions, so to clarify: No, I did not get sick (not even a little) after my first bites of meat. No, I’m NOT eating meat because I’m pregnant, because I’m NOT pregnant (mom!), and yes, it does all taste delicious.
I believe my little sister is most disappointed by my decision. She explained that she used to tell all her friends about her cool vegetarian sister. However, I then pointed out her own dietary habit of eating animals regularly, told her I was sorry, and that maybe I’d go back if she started.
No dice. At least not yet.
As for right now, I think I’ll go hunt down some sort of chicken sandwich with bacon, because that sounds fantastic. Am I right?