Tag Archive: cars

maybe a seat-purse would have been better?

holy engine, does the freaking seat belt in my freaking car annoy the freaking crap out of me.

apparently, the car makers of america think im short right along with the kitchen cabinet makers of america. so, aside from the fact that i cannot reach anything ever, the stupid seat belt in my darn car is basically slicing through my neck every time i drive anywhere.

im too short for it to sit at the right angle, so instead it just slides right from my chest to below my ear. and then i push it back. and then it slides again.

repeat.

732 times. ish.

look. right there. under my chin. see it? that’s the beginning stages of a bruise. im telling you. it is. well, that, or newspaper ink.

and sometimes, i give in and place the belt behind my seat. but then i worry that 1. a cop will pull me over and cite me for some sort of technicality in the Illinois’ seat belt law prohibiting me from doing that, resulting in a $562 fine

or 2. i will get in a tragic accident involving a deer, a semi and a motorcycle and then my body will be sliced in half along my lower abdomen because im only wearing half a seat belt and somehow that half of the seat belt is laying in such a way that it can cut through my skin and bones and organs.

so i put it back over my chest.

and then it rides up under my neck.

and then i cry.

while we’re on the topic of cars, let’s also talk about how the headlights on every SUV in america sit so that they hit my driver-side mirror and blind me every night, a problem i fear will one day hinder my ability to see important things.

like stop signs, bicyclists or oncoming traffic.

adjusting the mirror does not help. i’ve tried.

basically, what im telling you is, i drive around every night squinting my eyes while a seat belt slices into my neck. and maybe if you want to stay off the roads around 11, 11:30 p.m. that’d be cool.

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is it ok if i just talk about driving and cars on this blog from now on?

sigh.

so driving has officially taken over my existence.

yesterday, there i was, living my little life in mchenry, illinois when i went to start my ford escourt.

only my ford escourt (we’ll call her penelope) wasn’t having it.

she was all ‘ya. im not going to start. i hate that you just use me for your long-a$$ commutes, and you never get the good gas, and you never say thank-you, and you STILL haven’t gotten my muffler fixed.’

and i was all ‘WHAT!? I thought things were going so well  between us. if it means that much to you i’ll totally get you the 93 octane gas next time.’

but she still didn’t start.

that b*tch.

she didn’t even care that i had to cover a meeting in like 10 minutes. nope. she didn’t care one bit.

so i had to track down the only other reporter who works out of my bureau office and have her drive me to the library.

then, after the meeting, i had to beg the night editor to send someone to rescue me so i could get my story in on time.

at this point an angle appeared. 

his name is Mr. Awesome. (true story) and after he drove me to the main newspaper office in Crystal Lake so I could write my story, he was all ”oh, what? you need a ride to naperville, and that’s one hour away? sure. no problem. and don’t you worry your pretty little head about gas money.”

and since my pretty little head already was worried about my car, i listened to him.

and he drove me home.

and then, i had to figure out how the heck i was going to get back to my poor little car, which had found its way to crystal lake after a little boost from my jumper cables. (before you’re all ‘why didn’t you just drive the dang thing home after you jumped it?’ you should know that she kinda died in crystal lake. so there).

BEST FRIEND TO THE RESUCE (ish).

she said she could totally drive me to crystal lake, but only if i waited for her to get off work. and by waited, she meant, wait in her car in her work parking lot because it would be WAY out of the way to come back and pick me up at home when she got off and then drive me to crystal lake.

because car problems force you to work around others schedules, i totally agreed.

also, she said she would lend me the money for the repair, and since i only have $19.47 in my checking account, i was was pretty much her slave at this point.

so i woke up at 6 a.m. and got ready to go to work with her. i grabbed a pillow and a blanket and got comfy. she parked under a tree and said, ‘have fun.’ and i waited for her in the jewel parking lot for four hours.

(aside: i would like to remind everyone at this point that i DO in fact have a master’s degree. and yet i still don’t have the ability to pay for my own car problems, so i have to subject myself to hours on end in a parking lot.)

finally we made our way back to penelope.

she was still in a pissy mood. i jumped her again (which you’d think she’d like) and a few minutes later she died in the middle of the road.

yep. right there on a busy ass two-lane highway. and the truckers were whatever the opposite of sympathetic is. (mean?)

i pretty much feared for my life at this point.

so i started crying.  

my best friend had to turn around and jump the b*tch again so i could make it to the repair shop. then those idiots at the shop told me they just didn’t have any time to look at her until at LEAST friday.

i gave up on life at this point and decided instead to become a tree. (i had heard they don’t need cars)

luckily my best friend pulled me back to reality and helped me find a mechanic who WOULD help me immediately. (thank you god.)

im pretty sure the shop was just a front for a mob operation (he called someone and told him that he should pick up the ‘mexicans’ now) but whatever, because he totally fixed my car.

and it was only $120.80.

which is about the same amount i spend on gas every week.

so i guess i’ll be ok.

and don’t worry. penelope and i have had a little talk, and i don’t think this will be happening again any time soon. (i told her i was seeing other cars, and she totally got her sh*t together. the ‘check engine’ light is even off.)

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i saw the light

i just want to take a second to remind everyone to TURN OFF their brights when they’re passing someone. say on a two-lane highway. in illinois. called Route 2.

that’s all.

*this public service announcement was paid for by the council to eliminate blindness, roadkill and car accidents. for more information on CEBIKCA call 1-800-dim-lite.  

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